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1. That I’m not the only one who tries to get in the wrong car during school pick-up. This past week I am buckling Summer into the third row of our minivan when a woman opens the door, gets into the driver’s seat and shuts the door.

At this point – I sort of panic. I know I’m not being carjacked because carjackers don’t wear tennis skirts. But am I in the wrong car? No, I had just opened it with my keys. Once I mentally confirm that I am in the correct Toyota Sienna, I say, “Excuse me, but I think you’re in the wrong car.”

She then looks back at me and I-swear-to-God-says… “You’re right because I don’t have this many children.” And then she sort of sits there for a moment because she’s either shell shocked or because she loves the smooth silkiness of the leather interior. She finally exits the vehicle and I can only assume went to locate of her own gold minivan.

2. If you can’t get your 6 year-old to go in the pool during her weekly swim lesson, then go to Whole Foods instead. I decided this past week that my dad should take Dylan to her swim lesson while I went grocery shopping because I simply couldn’t take another episode of, “Pay for a lesson while Dylan sits by the edge of the pool and I fume.” And guess what? She went in the water!

Of course, she still whined and carried on but the swim instructor basically just pulled her into the pool. (Not so far off from my idea to push her in. More proof that I should write a parenting book with great chapters like, “Make Grandparents Deal with Your Frustrating Children!” and “My Kids Learned the Butterfly while I Shopped for Avocados).

3. That if you and your husband go out on a night that is do or die for his beloved Phillies in the National League Championship, he will spend 91% of the time watching the game. And the other 9% talking about the game.

4. That if you go to the Big Apple Circus in NYC (Yes, the tickets were free. Yes, the show rocks. My girls just loved it.) and one of your 5 month-old twins has been constipated, it is virtually guaranteed that previously mentioned twin will have a poop explosion during the second act.

5. That if you carve a pumpkin and put it on your front steps, squirrels and rabbits will eat its face off. That will make the 6 year-old who carved it kind of cranky.

24 Responses to the things i recently learned in the suburbs

  • Nicole says:

    Aarrgh, the horror! That is hilariuos, I would be a tad more embarrased.
    My brother got thrown against a car and handcuffed for trying to get into the wrong car. Never do that in the parking lot of a donut shop, I kid you not. He eventually was able to point to his car and explain.

  • Emily says:

    Is there an acorn shortage this fall? What up w the squirrels pile driving through all of the pumpkins? Every pumpkin on our block looks like someone blew a shotgun hole in it.

  • Angie says:

    Hooray for Dylan swimming in the water!! I’m going to carve my pumpkin tonight thanks for the advice I will not put mine out on the steps lol

  • OHmommy says:

    Way to Dylan! Good call on getting someone else to take her. I wish I would have thought of that. My eldest sat my the pool at private lessons for 6 months before getting in. (He’s an awesome swimmer now) It drove me crazy.

  • Daphne says:

    We just doused pumpkin #4 in Tabasco after donating 1-3 to the lousy squirrels. Oh yes, and we had 2 families help us locate our car yesterday at the rec center (me: it looks just like this one, and I thought I parked it in this exact spot…”

  • I totally understand about the poop explosion. This happened to my daughter; unfortunately she was 4 years old, not 4 months, and I ended up in the bathroom washing her legs in the sink while we were supposed to be inside at the “Fuzzy Lemons” kids rock concert.

  • Diane says:

    Being a commsumate Burb-er, nothing about this surprised me except the bit about the squirrels eating the pumpkin. You must have an inferior food stamps program where you live because we have never had our pumpkins ravaged in such a manner. Re: the minivan – if you leave yours as filthy as mine, you will never again get a confused shopper in you car. Homless person maybe, but never someone mistaking my monkey cage for ther own transport. Just an idea.

  • Jacquie says:

    So funny! I got in the wrong car last week! My parents were in town w/both of my aunts. I left them all in my Mom’s Expedition, got Nolan, then back to the car, opened the door, and none of them were there. I was totally confused and then I realized it wasn’t our car! Completely embarrassing but the owner was nowhere around!

  • Kerri says:

    You’ve been busy, as usual! You will quickly realize that your sweet darlings are super sweet darlings so much more for other people. My older kids are adored because when they babysit they clean up after the kids are in bed. So the parents come home to a cleaner house, instead of a messier one. Now they know how to do this at home, but usually will choose to do other more interesting things, like sleep, facebook, ride horses, do their hair, etc. Stuff they don’t do when babysitting for someone else! We now have a 12 passenger van so not as likely for someone to get in it. However, we notice more around as trades people are buying them as their vehicles. Just as long as a plumber doesn’t end up climbing in & freaking the kids out as even the teens have issues with “plumber’s bum” views. Keep the blogging coming. It is lovely to know mine is not the only crazy life!

    Kerri, mom to 11 ( not I did not accidentally type “1” twice!)

  • Had similar van issue this morning where a Dad dropping off kept trying to unlock my car. After much swearing about his “broken clicker” he finally conceded that it might be MY car. “After all,” he said, “mine doesn’t have that many Froot Loops smashed into the carpet.” Yep…. that’s mine.

  • circus daily says:

    HA…love that pumpkin face.

    Man the minivan story…funny. I once was texting while leaving McDonalads, (which disclaimer: since kids I no longer text and drive but still eat McDonalds, whatev) and somehow managed to run over one of those cement parking log thingys…anyways it was in my civic and I got completely stuck, picture a car acting as a teeter totter. Anyways…got a bunch of dudes to help while I bought them all bigmacs. Nothing to do with your story, but reminded me of the occasion for some odd reason.

    Enjoy your week.

  • Momagement says:

    Re #4: You are also guaranteed that if you are too tired to cook and decide to take the kids to Friendly’s you will leave the diaper bag at home. And you will realize this halfway to Friendly’s and decide not to go back for it because you never need it since your toddler never ever poops in public (modest little tyke). And then while you are waiting for your food, your toddler who never ever poops in public decides to fill up her diaper. Blargh.
    (Thank God there was another mom and her kids sitting nearby and she did actually remember her diaper bag and she gave me a diaper. Phew.)

  • amourningmom says:

    I can relate to that woman who got in your car. If you recall, I am your friend who got on the wrong plane and they had to bring me back to the airport. . . So sorry about the pumpkins. xoxo

  • scrappysue says:

    that is one gorgeous cranky face! isn’t it kinda weird that u can only tell your car from the number of children ALREADY in it? that lady mighta needed a nap more than u do kelcey!

  • Heather, Queen of Shake Shake says:

    OMG, I’ve lived in the suburb for 5 years now and not yet has a squirrel eaten anything. Or deers! I feel cheated of an experience.

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kelcey kintner