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I hate to brag but I’m sort of a Baby Name Expert. Yes, it’s a self appointed title. But due to my adventures accidentally giving my kid the wrong name, I receive a lot of emails from women who secretly wonder if they chose the right name.

Well, I am here to relieve all stress on the matter because it absolutely does not matter what you name your child because you will always call him or her by the wrong name.

And don’t think those of you who have one kid are in the clear. Because if you name your daughter Lucy, you are certain to call her by your pet fish’s name about 63% of the time. How do I know it will be 63% of the time? Because I’m a Baby Name Expert (see paragraph one if you’ve somehow forgotten).

Most of the time I just string all 4 of my children’s names together.

Me: “ChaseHarloweSummerDylan, put your coat on! Now.”

Summer: “I’m Summer.”

Me: “I know. That’s what I said.”

Summer: “But you said ChaseHarloweSummerDylan.”

Me: “Exactly. Your name was definitely in there. Put on your coat please.”

Summer: “Actually, my name is Jamie.”

Me: “Since when?”

Summer: “Always.”

Me: “ChaseHarloweSummerDylanJamie, put your coat on!”

Obviously, I now realize George Foreman is a genius. First of all, he got just about everyone in America to buy a grill that is the biggest pain in the ass to clean. And second, he named all five of his sons George. Does this make him a total egomaniac? Indeed!

But the brilliance is that he doesn’t waste valuable brain cells trying to think of all their names. George – put on your coat!  And yes, maybe only one George needs to go outside but who cares! Just lower the temperature in the house and all the boys can wear coats.

Of course, you just know that one of his sons wants to be called Jamie.

He probably makes that one clean the grill.

29 Responses to the baby name expert

  • Penny says:

    Get used to it, it doesn’t get any better : )
    I have 3 adult children and 4 grandchildren and I am constantly calling my adult kids by the wrong names AND calling the grandkids by one of the parents names or their brother/sister/cousins name. So that sentence where you are stringing all the names together makes perfect sense to me, because that’s what it sounds like around my house all the time!

  • Susan says:

    My mother had three sisters and four daughters, so my name was always TheoDoryEstherKathyBethBeckySusan. She always went through all seven names, placing the name of the person being addressed at the end.

  • Hear Hear! George dubs that thing the “Lean, Mean, non-fat grillin’ Machine”, but it really should be the “Lean, Mean, pain-in-the-ass-to-clean Machine”!

    I have one. Every time I reach for it I think, “but wait…I’ll have to clean it…with that f*in useless scraper that turns the residue into hard, brown sap…and then I’ll have to touch that stuff to get it off the scraper. Let’s have hot dogs instead.”


  • Lanie says:

    Super funny Kelc! Is it too late to change all their names to Rick(y) or Kelcey? In my opinion, the “e/y/ie” always makes it easier to say. If you need more substantial evidence please refer to our answering machine message from college. xoxo

  • Becky says:

    I remember when we brought our first born son Alex home. I think my husand and I called him Pepper – our dog’s name – for two weeks. The dog and the sleep deprived parents were obviously completely confused.

  • Jordana says:

    Hilarious!!However, in all honesty, I do still get a bit insulted when you call me by your dog’s name. OMG, totally blanking on your dog in high school that you used to call me fairly regularly. Shadow is coming to mind but that’s not it. WHISPER! Got it. Thanks brain.

  • Betsy says:

    No, I love my George foreman grill. You have to get the one with removable plates. Soak it for 2 min and it sponges right off. (Forget the Jamie Foreman grills without the removable plates. They are useless.)

    The name thing isn’t too bad here. 1 kid, no pets. I do not usually confuse my daughter and husband.

  • Tonya says:

    You seriously crack me up!

    I only have one kid but, yea, you’re right (hence 1st paragraph) for the first year of my son’s life I used to call him by our dog’s, Dudley, name. Especially if I was talking to someone (usually a stranger) about my baby, which then made it really embarrassing to have to say halfway through the conversation: “Sorry, I mean my son’s name is Pierce. Dudley is our dog.”

  • Cara says:

    I am completely convinced that I am going to call my daughter by our dog’s name for her entire life. This is why it’s a bad idea to name dogs with people names. I have a feeling I would be less inclined to accidentally call me daughter “Fido” than “Lucy.”

    Though, when I was a kid my dad still called me by the dog’s name half the time, and his name was Troon.

  • I have four teenagers at home (plus three stepdaughters elsewhere and two grandkids), so no matter how many names I string along, the pet’s names don’t fit in there. The three youngest are very close in age and they are all used to being called by the wrong name.

    My grandfather only had one daughter and one granddaughter, but he still had to go through a list of women’s names to get to mine: his wife’s, his daughter’s, his daughter-in-law’s, and finally mine.

  • Beth says:

    Ok, baby name expert. I’ve got a girl due in March and we’re definitely naming her Stella. But help us out here with a middle name. It was going to be Sophia, but then I began saying ‘Stella Sophia’ in a nasally voice and I already can’t stand the little snot. Yeah, I’m positive she will be a snot with a name like that. We are welcoming any suggestions.

    • Kelcey says:

      If you like Sophie, go for it. Can you really name the middle names of all your friends? I can’t. Plus, I think Stella Sophia sounds pretty. And fancy. But definitely pretty.

      Chase’s middle name is Aspen b/c we like Aspen. And that definitely sounds a bit pretentious.

  • daphne says:

    It doesn’t matter what I call them, my kids refuse to put on their coats. So now I just issue a gentle reminder…”Hey kiddo, it’s f#@%ing freezing outside, so you decide.”

  • Dorothy says:

    My kids are Erin and Matt, totally known as Ermatt or Merin by me as they grew up (ok fine, I still do it). They rolled eyes at me because I never got it right. Now, I have two grandkids who are rarely called Torrin and Kaia (their given names), but are Erin and Matt to me. ?????? Really???? I couldn’t get it right the first time through so now they have to have the previous generation’s names??!! Sheesh.
    I have never called the kid’s by the dog’s name though lol but have called the dog by the other dog’s name or the cats’ names. Am sure they are not impressed with me either.
    Great post!

  • CSY says:

    My mom STILL calls me either Marie or RandiMichael…no, mom – I’m CRYSTAL…your FIRST born, remember?!?!?! Marie -is my aunt and RM is my sister. When RM was a kid she SWORE our brothers names were SeanNathanKerry…

  • British American says:

    Very true! Especially since having our 3rd child – second boy. I keep getting the boys names mixed up. Though my husband has always mixed up all three names more than me. I find that a general “Kids, coats, go!” suffices.

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