I hate to brag but I’m sort of a Baby Name Expert. Yes, it’s a self appointed title. But due to my adventures accidentally giving my kid the wrong name, I receive a lot of emails from women who secretly wonder if they chose the right name.
Well, I am here to relieve all stress on the matter because it absolutely does not matter what you name your child because you will always call him or her by the wrong name.
And don’t think those of you who have one kid are in the clear. Because if you name your daughter Lucy, you are certain to call her by your pet fish’s name about 63% of the time. How do I know it will be 63% of the time? Because I’m a Baby Name Expert (see paragraph one if you’ve somehow forgotten).
Most of the time I just string all 4 of my children’s names together.
Me: “ChaseHarloweSummerDylan, put your coat on! Now.”
Summer: “I’m Summer.”
Me: “I know. That’s what I said.”
Summer: “But you said ChaseHarloweSummerDylan.”
Me: “Exactly. Your name was definitely in there. Put on your coat please.”
Summer: “Actually, my name is Jamie.”
Me: “Since when?”
Me: “ChaseHarloweSummerDylanJamie, put your coat on!”
Obviously, I now realize George Foreman is a genius. First of all, he got just about everyone in America to buy a grill that is the biggest pain in the ass to clean. And second, he named all five of his sons George. Does this make him a total egomaniac? Indeed!
But the brilliance is that he doesn’t waste valuable brain cells trying to think of all their names. George – put on your coat! And yes, maybe only one George needs to go outside but who cares! Just lower the temperature in the house and all the boys can wear coats.
Of course, you just know that one of his sons wants to be called Jamie.
He probably makes that one clean the grill.