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I think being tired is sort of like being drunk because I’m definitely having trouble processing information. And it’s not like I’m sitting down to work out a calculus equation. I’m trying to do simple things like locate my house keys and order a smoothie.

For instance, I went to the gas station a few days ago.  I opted for a full serve station because it was the closest station and I knew it was almost time to feed the twins.

So I pull up at the gas station and give the guy my credit card and zip code.

I give the wrong zip code.

He tells me to try again.

I give the wrong one again.

Because it’s similar to my own, I keep giving my dad’s Cape Cod zip code. I try reminding myself that I have a Masters degree from an Ivy League institution to try to jump start my brain. This strategy does not work. Finally, unable to think of my own zip code, I give the gas attendant the name of my town and he inputs the correct one.

Then comes challenge #2. He tells me to unlatch the gas tank. And I can’t find the lever inside the car. Where is it? I know it’s in here somewhere. He has to show it to me. At this point, I’m pretty sure this guy thinks I stole the credit card and the car.

Thankfully, he doesn’t seem to care.

Since I don’t want anyone reporting me to the police for auto theft, I finally followed all your advice and had a doula come help me overnight.  It was ultra fabulous.  She only woke me up to breastfeed and took care of all the diaper changing, soothing and swaddling.

As Rick pointed out, sleeping in the same room as twins is like trying to sleep in a petting zoo with all the grunts and groans and squawking. Except you don’t have to buy any of those overpriced pellets to feed them. So it was really nice to have a night of quiet.

I’m going to treat myself to this luxury once or twice a week just so I can get a break and be alert enough to relearn my zip code. The morning after the doula left, I emailed her to express my gratitude (although I think she wants a check too). In the email, I wrote, “Thanks so much for last night. It was amazing.”

I know. It sounds like I hired a hooker.

37 Responses to i used to be smart and then i had four kids

  • Toni says:

    I always claim that I have donated my best brain cells to my incubating children. It’s the only explanation I can think of.

  • Nicole says:

    I hope you gave her cash, I don’t think hookers take checks. I have that zip code trouble, too, and yet I can remember my zip and phone from when I was a kid.

  • Shana says:

    Oh, honey. My four kids are ranging in age from 23 yrs to 11 yrs, and I have yet to relearn my zip code. Those brain cells are gone, gone gone. xox

  • Wow – A full service gas station!! That is such a thing of the past here, I don’t know if one exists anymore.
    Sleep is such an essential need of the body, but it IS such a wonderment that when we don’t get it, that the mind doesn’t work. It was used for torture for purposes for good reason!! Congrats on the Doula. We have to take care of ourselves, so we won’t get arrested for car theft!

  • Heather says:

    So funny! I’m always having a hard time remembering my phone numbers. Whenever someone asks, I always say, “Ahhhh” as though it’s a trick question!

    Three cheers for the doula. Every girl needs a support staff!

  • Diane says:

    It’s uncanny! If it weren’t for the fact that you are beautiful, have twins, or can afford to pay $20 a gallon full serve, I’d be reading about me! I just sent my husband and son to the first parent football meeting – a week early. He was not happy. Soon, all of this will be a dream that you will never be able to recall – like your zip code!

  • Meg D says:

    Einstein said that there’s no need to memorize anything you can look up. I would definitely put zip codes in that category!

    And speaking of the gas tank latch, I was at a full service station in NJ last year and when I couldn’t find the latch on our car I offered to call my husband so he could tell us where it is. The attendant looked at me like I was nuts and said he could probably figure it out.

    Since my son was 4 at the time and sleeping through the night my only excuse was this was a “Betty Draper” moment.

    So get yourself a “fainting couch” and enjoy the heck outta that doula! (Oh wait, that just sounded even weirder than your email…)

  • Lucy says:

    I forget what I’m saying mid sentence!
    which is not a good look! So you are allowed to forget numbers… there are so many you have to remember these days.
    Yay for sleep… you deserve every minute!!!

  • Peta says:

    Thanks for the laugh. I have a cloudy memory of those days. Of course, now all my memory is pretty cloudy, and 10 yrs later I STILL have trouble finding the keys. At least I can blame that on the kids. Please, please take care of yourself……it will do no one any good if you accidently drive into someone elses garage and handover the kids to the wrong family, or some other idiocy…..GET SOME SLEEP. Even if you have to pay a hooker. (Wait, maybe they are cheaper than a doula?)

  • Katie says:

    There were times when I thought I was literally going to die due to sleep deprivation in the six months after our twins were born. I read an article in National Geographic that talked about a study that showed that not sleeping for 24 hours was the equivalent to drinking several shots of vodka in an hour. Except way less fun. I feel for you. It does get better.

  • francine Kasen says:

    there are only 2 things worth spending your last dime on……travel and child care!!!! Trust me!!!!!

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    Make believe you’re one of the famous ‘KENNEDYS’ and you’ll know that they had dozens of children and kept their sanity because THEY HAD LOTS OF HELP. Just get that full-time-sleep-in Nanny and your brain will re-start itself.

  • Cara says:

    Good for you. I was once so tired that I almost poured the water for my coffee maker straight into the toaster. Sleep deprivation is the hardest part. Hang in there.

  • Missy says:

    Not long after my second was born, I kept trying to give out the first 7 digits of MY HUSBAND’s SS# when asked for my phone #. That doesn’t make any sense at all, but it was apparently the only number my brain could recall.

    Also kept mixing up my son’s birth date with his birth weight (5.14 and 6.15). Sleep deprivation does terrible stuff.

    Hooray for the nighttime doula!

  • Gretchen says:

    Just yesterday, I wrote something about how when the gas pump prompted me to enter my zip code, I accidentally typed in the address of my parents house from 30 years ago. And I DON’T have newborn twins to blame. I’m thinking it might have been a ripple in the space/time continuum. Either that or menopause.

  • hey, my mom (well after her child-bearing years) went to a gas station with my baby sister (then about 30), filled up the car and drove away. With the gas hose still in the car. She got about as far as the station driveway before my sister yelled STOP and then practically wet herself laughing. So by that standard, you’re batting a thousand.

  • Ann says:

    That is great news about the doula.

    Maybe she would swaddle and rock my husband and he would stop snoring.

    See you soon!! (Big Grin!)

  • traci says:

    The first time I drove my car out of Jersey, I stopped at a gas station in PA, proceeded to grow furious that no one had come to pump my gas, realized it is self serve and then totally forgot what to do.

  • Daphne says:

    I kept getting a busy signal when I called my sister the other day. Then I realized I was dialing my own number over and over again. And I don’t have babies to blame…should I be worried?

  • E says:

    So happy to hear you got the doula!!! Give up smoothies for a year if you have to in order to pay for more nights with her. Your brain will return….

  • Alicia D says:

    oh man, I can relate to the forgetfulness thing…not bc ihave 8 week old twins mind you (and CONGRATS!) but just having 4 kids has sucked the marrow from my brain (if my brain had marrow)…sometimes its amazing to think i actually have my doctorate degree when i send my kids to school without shoes on and forget something every single day.

  • Loved this. I dreamed about this kind of thing when I had my twins (or forget twins! I dreamed about it when I had my first – up every two hours until he was a year old – baby!) DO IT! That’s my opinion – even my slogan these days… If you can afford it? Do it! No guilt or concern for what anyone else thinks. Your family will be happier with a well rested mother. Even if it is only once or twice a week.

    Now more cute twin pictures please.

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