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Get yourself a gigantic twins nursing pillow which can also be used as a flotation device in the event of a water landing.

Hold the first baby like a football (Studies have shown this won’t actually increase your interest in the game of football but it may increase your love of “Friday Night Lights.”)

Get the first baby latched on to your right breast.

Now pick up the second baby. Hold her like a football and get her latched on to your left breast.

Unfortunately, the first baby will have somehow come off your right breast. Get that baby latched on again. Of course, now the second baby has come off. This pattern will continue for a few minutes. Finally, you will have them both latched on. You will weep with joy.

But now one of the babies has now fallen asleep after exactly one minute of nursing. Attempt to wake him. Remove some of his clothes. Blow on his head. Tickle his feet. Sing him Lady Gaga. Threaten to make him watch “Couples Retreat.”Β  He will become more alert after the “Couples Retreat” threat, even though you are obviously bluffing. Babies can be so gullible. Get him nursing again.

Both babies are now breast feeding! At the same time! Time to grab the remote.

Keep both babies attached to your breasts while slowly picking up the remote. Don’t make any sudden movements that will disturb this delicate balance.

Just as you are putting on “Chelsea Lately,” an inadvertent shift in your body has caused the first baby to detach from the breast.

Now you will start crying. Because you’re hormonal. Because you’re tired. Because you have dropped the remote and now have to watch “Win a Date with Tad Hamilton.” Again. With commercials.

Compose yourself, be happy that you get to at least stare at Josh Duhamel and reattach the baby to your right breast.

You’ve done it! Welcome to tandem nursing!! Repeat every 3 hours.

And when you need a break, put your “assistants” to work…

55 Responses to how to nurse two babies at the same time at 3 a.m.

  • anymommy says:

    1) You are absolutely awesome.

    2) That is the cutest onsie I have ever seen. I hold you personally responsible if I decide to have another child because I MUST have a girl and she MUST where that onsie.

  • jenni says:

    Delurking purely to say…I love how the little guy is holding his big sis’ hand. You have a sweet family!

  • sara says:

    You are AMAZING! I’m sure this wasn’t so funny last night, but you’ve still got it, girl! You’re doing so well!!!! And the girls look so cute – and the babies are so cute…ughh!!!! Congrats mama!!!!
    (not on the nursing, but in general)

  • Megan says:

    Oh how precious! what a beautiful picture. It helped me to remember that each hurdle is just a phase that won’t last long…you’re doing great!

  • Karen Bland says:

    That picture of the “assistants” brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I cry easily, but still! That is the best – I know you are so tired and all, but you have FOUR KIDS – it’s so fabulous…you took on a 50% increase in your family in one move! I watched SO much law and order when I was feeding at 3am…I’m quite sure my little COCO will be a special victims units officer…..TV is golden at 3am. xxoo

  • kristen says:

    that’s the sweetest photo i’ve seen in a long time…i love that your girls are such big girl helpers…you’ve got a beautiful family girl, i’m happy for you. xo

  • Diane says:

    My sweet neighbor is a lactation consultant – I must forward this to her. I love the photo of your beautiful children – what a great memory!

  • MommyTime says:

    As a child I used to have fantasies that I was a twin. Then that I was a mother of twins (this was still in the playing with dolls phase of life). Now that I’m old enough to be one, it’s details like this that make me grateful for my singletons. You are a HERO for managing this. (((hugs)))

  • ErinB says:

    HGTV was my best friend during the nursing days :-} Of course I only had one baby so it wasnt such a circus act getting the remote!! You are amazing!!!!!! What lucky babies. Love the pic-much bettter than one of your boobs :-} xoox

  • Jen says:

    SO CUTE…Love this post and picture! The babies look bigger than the last time I saw them. And oh how I remember watching Tad Hamilton while nursing Luke 5 1/2 years ago…

  • You’re awesome! Then there will be the day when you’ll realize you left the remote clear across the room, but never fail! You’ll be confident enough (and their latch will be good enough) that you can gently pick up your nursing pillow, slowly walk across the room, pick up the remote, and make it back to the bed/couch, all while balancing your children precariously on that giant pillow.

  • johanna says:

    The senior assistant looks like she is doing a great job supervising everyone! Sex and the City reruns were my nighttime nursing savior…no wonder my daughter loves shoes πŸ™‚

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    Lucky you had 2 girls first; they’ve got the ‘maternity and caring’ gene that is lacking in little boys. Friend tried giving her son (4 years old) a doll to play with at the park, and he buried it in the sandbox…

  • Amber says:

    That picture is just beautiful!
    BTW, I’ve watched many many shows I’ve hated because Alexa (just one baby) was such a fussy nurser. No moving allowed!

  • Day two home from the NICU with my baby, and after 10 minutes of frustrated trying, I finally got him latched on (with nipple shield and Boppy). Then the doorbell rang. No joke – I signed for a UPS package with said baby, nipple shield and Boppy still attached. No eye contact was made with the mysterious man in Brown. Only a breastfeeding mom can appreciate how hard it is to get all the starts aligned to nurse a baby (let alone TWO!). Kuddos for sticking with it!!!!!!

  • Erin says:

    I love how your girls are concentrating on the task at hand – what an awesome picture! And what an incredible mom you are!

  • cracks me up. I SO remember (well, vaguely. I was pretty freakin tired) how carefully I would arrange my nursing nest before “falling asleep” (ie, lying down for approximately 93 minutes before middle-of-night-nursing): remote here, book over there, glass of water (sure to be tepid by 2AM) over THERE, everything exactly where I would need it for the sleepy shuffle to the couch. Woe to him (speaking to you husband dear) who moved anything even an inch out of place. GIven the level of difficulty involved in nursing even one barely four-pound newborn, I cannot fathom the difficulty involved in doing two. Someone should really buy you at least two pairs of really expensive new shoes. : )

  • Suzette & Jeff says:

    Dear Kelcey & Rick
    It’s so wonderful to see your beautiful family on your blog; Dylan Summer and your adorable twins. Happy Thanksgiving.
    Lots of love from Suzette and Jeff and Village Preschool Center

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kelcey kintner