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Last week, I found myself inside a Lululemon store changing room, completely trapped in an athletic top.

I thought to myself, this is what it must have felt like to be baby Jessica, the 18-month-old that was trapped in a well for 58 hours.

Oh and I had forgotten to put on deodorant.

Baby Jessica probably forgot too.

I went to Lululemon to use a gift certificate that had been in my wallet for three years. I don’t like to rush this kind of thing. I tried on a bunch of athletic tops. I was looking for one that masked my post four babies stomach but instead I found a lot that accentuated it. Which is slightly different.

As I tried on one particular top, it felt a little snug going on but I wasn’t concerned. These are athletic tops. They have some stretch.

And then I tried to take it off.

There was no stretch.

I tried pulling it down to my waist in some misguided attempt to move it over my butt and down my body.

It didn’t work at all.

I tried to pull it over my head again.

My head had gotten bigger.

And then I started sweating which of course made it completely stick to my body with the suction strength of a 1,000 vacuum cleaners.

Full panic set in.  It reminded me of the time a zipper got stuck on one of my boots and my foot started getting so claustrophobic, I almost cut those Steve Madden’s right off me. Obviously, I’m prone to panic in these sort of situations.

I peeked out of the dressing room door.

“Hi! I’m sort of stuck in the top I’m trying on.”

“They run a bit small,” the sales girl informed me about 14 minutes too late. “Try pulling it over your head.”

Really?!! Try pulling it over my head?  What does she think I’m doing in here? Trying to levitate myself out of the top?

But I responded with a big smile, “Okay! I’ll give it a go.”

More tugging, pulling, sweating.

A few minutes later I peaked out again…

“Hi. Me again. You know, the one stuck in your top. I hate to bother you. But I’m totally going to need some assistance. Do you offer that sort of service?”

In she came. Her little blonde young self helped wrangle me out of that shirt which must have been mismarked because I’m pretty confident it was a 3T.

Having extricated myself from a web of Lycra, I’m now doing fine.

Just like baby Jessica.

31 Responses to how long can you live without food and water in the dressing room of an athletic apparel store?

  • E says:

    As always, you crack me up. Comedy perfection. Thanks for sharing your humiliation with your readers–that’s why we love you! I recently tried on a gown of my grandmother’s from the 50s. It went on fine but I could not get that sucker off. After my mom and husband made some (weak) attempts to help, full blown panic set it and I started sweating and screaming “CUT IT OFF ME! GET SCISSORS!!” IT took them about 10 minutes to extricate me and an hour for my heartbeat to return to normal. I admire you for not demanding that the salesclerk get scissors to save you.

  • Marinka says:

    I want a diamond ring. Or two.

    I can’t believe about that close call you had! And there was absolutely nothing on the news about it. I don’t know how much more censorship I can take.

  • Loukia says:

    This made me laugh so hard! I have been stuck in clothes many times in change rooms before. Like, stuck, arms in the air, head suffocated with material stuck. Talk about sweat and wild thrashing in the change room…

  • {sue} says:

    I have a tank top (called Fat Free Dressing – form fitting and named after salad dressing!) that is so much work to get into and out of that I keep it on for 3 days. And every time my husband folds laundry, he puts it in the 6-year old’s basket!

  • daphne says:

    I used sunscreen once to extricate my kid from the playset she had somehow wedged herself into, did you try lubing up? Chapstick may have worked too, or a well placed squirt from a juice box…

  • Oh my gosh, you just reminded me of the time my snap button on my favorite pink cords didn’t work so smarty-pants 9-year-old me thought I’d fix that by crazy gluing it to stay. All went well until I had to go pee and I couldn’t get the snap off! I’ll leave the rest of the story to your imagination ….

  • Abby says:

    Same thing happened to me with a Lululemon tank..it’s a very scary experience!!!I pulled a muscle in my neck that hurt for days.

  • Elisa says:

    Gah, I hate getting stuck in clothes. And I hate having to ask for assistance even more. Did you hightail it out of there after that, or did you manage to find something in the store that didn’t cause a claustrophobia attack? they do have cute stuff… if a tad small.

  • I think this is especially funny because i had the same thing happen to me about 2 weeks ago when I was trying on a shirt that actually was mislabeled (the hanger, which I looked at before putting it on, did not go with the size on the shirt’s tag). Scary stuff.

  • Mexmom says:

    On the positive side you actually broke a sweat so it is like a workout all while shopping, which is much more enjoyable than the gym itself.

  • Shana says:

    I had a similar experience once, with jeans. When I was sober, they went on with just a bit of jumping up and down and then laying on the floor to zip them. After a few cocktails, they were a challenge to get down in the ladies room of a dive bar in the French Quarter. And then? Getting them back up again? Yeah. Right.

  • Shana says:

    That sounds more deviant than it actually was. All I did was pee. The moral of this story is don’t squeeze into your skinny jeans and then bloat up with alcohol and have to go pee in a dive bar. That’s all

    • Sararandom says:

      OMG Shana! I literally snorted Dr.Pepper when I read your follow up comment. I knew what you were saying-you just had to tinkle. But then after your comment I caught the innuendo of what it COULD have sounded like. That was almost better than the original story here! Thanks for the laugh. Painful, but so worth it!

  • Lanie says:

    So glad that you got out of there. i am sure Rick would have brought you food an water (unless you are now engaged to Channing Tatum) Were you able to use the gift certificate? xo

  • Very interesting story, Kelcey! You totally crack me up this morning talking about that event. I am so surprised but at the same time I really shocked to hear that mishap. I am so glad to see you got out of there. 🙂

  • Mel says:

    Don’t be afraid to seek therapy if you find that you are not coping well with the aftermath of this traumatic experience.

  • Bitsy says:

    I know exactly what you mean. I have a sports bra that I have to dislocate a shoulder to get out of. Why do I keep it?

  • SoFo says:

    Oh thank god it’s not just me. In the past month I’ve done this twice inside a Target dressing room. I thought I would never get out of there. Sheer panic.

  • Annisa Johnson says:

    This made me literally laugh out loud… the exact same thing happened to me at Lululemon about 3 months ago! I wear an xsmall top and got stuck in a small top for about 20 minutes and couldn’t get even the small pants over my thighs. I seriously think you are right that Lululemon uses toddler sizing!

  • Denise says:

    That reminded me of the time that I was at my heaviest weight. We had just moved into a home with a big, beautiful jacuzzi tub that I couldn’t wait to try out. After 2 days of unpacking I was exhausted and hurting so I filled that bad boy up and got in. I had a series of events that changed me forever. First, at only 25 years old I had never used a tub like that and didn’t know the water had to be filled a certain amount over the jets. SO when I turned them on I was instantly in a horrifying scramble trying to turn it off while I was in a water tornado shooting water covering the entire bathroom. I finally turned it off and filled it over the jets and then IT happened. The most mortifying and scary day of my life. Being on the heavy side, I had some back fat. And by back fat, I mean a back that looked like I had a huge ass on it. So I went under water to totally immerse myself in the glory of this hot tub. Little did I know that my back fat would suction to the bottom of the tub. AND I MEAN SUCTION!!!!!! I thought I was going to die!!!! I couldn’t scream, I would drown. The more I wiggled the more I suctioned. I was panicking and all I could see was a headline that read “local woman dies in her tub because her ass located on her back suctioned to the tub and she drowned leaving behind a jerk of a husband and 3 wonderful kids”!!!!! What could I do? I was losing air quickly. I finally took both hands from either side and pried myself off the floor of the tub leaving a layer of my back fat skin with it. Last time I ever used one of those damn tubs until I lost ALL of that weight. So, Yes, I understand that feeling all to well. ****groan****

    • Denise says:

      Forgot to mention to this day I have a fear of suction cups. I call it “sucphobia”. I literally cannot use any form of suction cup without being reminded of that horrible day and go into an anxiety attack. My new husband doesn’t understand and laughs at me about this phobia, but he has never had an experience like this and also does not believe I was ever that big and such a thing could happen to a larger person.

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kelcey kintner