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I hate fortune cookies.

I know I should save that kind of venom for something more deserving like evil empires or bolo ties but fortune cookies just get me so mad.

Like here you are at the end of a delicious Asian fusion meal and the finishing touch is a cookie with magical knowledge of what is about to happen to you. A very promising way to end a meal indeed.

Except the cookie tastes like cardboard and the fortune either makes absolutely no sense like… “The landscape of your happiness is running to the wonderment” or it simply is not a fortune at all like… “You found precious friends at sunset three years ago.”

So now, instead of basking in the afterglow of your crispy walnut prawn and chicken dish, you feel cheated and must go home and lock yourself in the closet with your Magic Eight Ball until you feel like you have some kind of inkling of how your next week is going to turn out.

Every time I go to these restaurants, I am quite hopeful that this is the day they have opted to hand out double fudge chocolate chip cookies instead of fortune cookies but sadly, that day has never arrived.

In fact, I recently took my older girls out for sushi and this was 5-year-old Summer’s fortune…

And this is so spot on because Summer is constantly down at the racetrack betting on her favorite horses… usually Daddy Long Legs or El Padrino. But despite her deep passion for  gambling, she absolutely never does it to excess. How does the cookie know?!

By the way, they don’t even hand out fortune cookies in China. It’s more of an American tradition so maybe we could get someone to type up a few new fortunes like, “You are destined to win Mega Millions” or “You will be extremely lucky in love” or “Your kids will not be total jerks to you when they are teenagers” or “Union Rags is going to win the Kentucky Derby so please stop betting on Daddy Long Legs just because you like the name.”

You know, something helpful.


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kelcey kintner