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I should have posted this 24 hours ago. But crap, I have 4 kids. And they keep needing stuff… like food, water, rides to school, reasons why I won’t buy them a fish, that sort of thing.

I’ve never watched a season or even a full show of “Dancing with the Stars.” But this week, I couldn’t stay away – something about the seductive combination of Ralph Macchio (who I died for back in the 1980’s because he was such a crazy cute karate boy even thought he was actually 22) and Kirstie Alley (a lovable train wreck).

As soon as it started, I said to my husband…

“Kirstie Alley looks really good. Don’t you think?”


I don’t know why Rick is always so judgmental about 60-year-old former Cheers’ stars who have eating issues.

She actually was pretty awesome on the dance floor. Of course, I base all my judging on whether I like the song and she danced to Cee Lo’s “Forget You” which is also my current ring tone.

Talk show host/transvestite Wendy Williams who sobs more than Speaker of the House John Boehner really made an impression on me. I believe I became the one millionth person to google “Are Wendy Williams’ boobs real?”

No, they are not.

As one judge brilliantly described it….

“Your dumplings are boiling over.”

Those silicone dumplings did not improve her dancing one bit. She was very bad.

I was a little bummed that Sugar Ray turned out to be the boxing legend and not the 90’s rock band. Rick was disappointed in Sugar Ray Leonard too. The judges agreed that he sort of sucked, saying he was more “beer and pizza” than “champagne and caviar” which doesn’t sound like an insult at all because wouldn’t you rather beer and pizza right now than some fish eggs? But he was so smiley that you sort of forgave him for his terrible dancing.

As for Ralph Macchio, the minute I saw my former karate kid, I knew our love affair was over. His hair looked all dorky and he’s much older than I remember him. Plus, when he danced he had this weird “creepy hand” movement which doesn’t work for me.

But just as I lost my Macchio mojo, Rick found his. He loved his performance. They can have each other. I’d rather dance with Mr. Miyagi if, you know, he wasn’t dead.

There were some other people on the show like Chelsea Kane from the Disney Channel. I don’t know who she is either. She seemed like she was already sleeping with her dancing partner Mark Ballis.

And there was Mike Catherwood, apparently the co-host of the radio show “Loveline” and known as “Psycho Mike” but my pet name for him is, “Fast Forward to the Next Dancer.”

In the end, I tried to vote for Kirstie Alley but my timezone was apparently closed.ย  The recording directed me to the ABC website but that sounded exhausting.

There were definitely some celebs in the studio audience and I can’t confirm anything but I may have seen Florence Henderson leave with Hugh Hefner.

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kelcey kintner