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My husband and I were discussing just how much we’ve learned in past week. Because I don’t want you to think we’re all uppity and smarter than you, I’m going to share all these important life lessons. Once you’ve read this, you can pretty much tell people you now have a master’s degree.

1. If you mistakenly throw your children’s swim goggles into the washing machine, they will be ok.

2. If you mistakenly throw your children’s swim goggles into the dryer, they will definitely not be ok. Especially if you let them “dry” for 70 minutes.

3. Once the IRS audits you, you will be audited frequently. At this point, Rick and I may have to stop putting down Ketel One Vodka as a work deduction.

4. It can cost a lot to park in New York City, especially if you hit other cars while parking.

5. In order to avoid almost burning your house down, you could occasionally clean out the drip tray under your grill. But it might just be easier to get a pet raccoon who will do it for you. Thanks to Liesl on the raccoon idea. Sounds much easier than actual cleaning.

6. No matter how many people you ask, no one understands how teen sensation Justin Bieber’s hair manages to perfectly sweep forward yet stills move gracefully when he shakes his head.

7. If you go to Ikea, you will spend two hours trying to look at furniture while your children hide in wardrobes and bounce on the beds. It will finally occur to you that they have a child drop-off service. You will bring them down there, get them completely stoked about the ball pit only to find out that the play area closed 5 minutes earlier.

8. If you watch the current season of  “Dancing with the Stars” on mute, it’s very very hard to identify the “celebrities” from the professional dancers.

9. If you are 28 weeks pregnant and you sit on a swing, you will probably fall off (even if the swing is not really moving).  It will not be that easy to get up. Everyone watching you will think this is very funny. You might not.

10. The automatic sliding doors on minivans are sort of awesome.

25 Responses to you’re never too old to learn new things!

  • Here’s a question. If you slam your children’s swim goggles in the minivan door will they be ok?

    Hell, they must be glad you “dried” their goggles for them. Nothing worse than wet goggles. Apart from melted goggles I guess.

  • Yes, those doors rock! When my kids were very little, there was only a door on one side and the whole thing was manual. Archaic and cruel for a mom with a car seat!
    Good to know about the goggles…

  • Crystal says:

    Ok, I knew about the goggles…don’t really pay that much attention to JB – JT on the other hand, yea he’s a HUNNY!!! thank you SO much for these insightful life lessons MUCH better than high school!

  • Jen says:

    Love the child drop off at IKEA. Though we usually get called back within 20-30 minutes b/c Luke has set off a fire alarm or something…but, hey, I will take that 30 minutes!

  • Cat says:

    Yikes, are you OK?
    I do have one piece of advice about the raccoons and that is they they need to be only pets. Since they arrived all my koi are gone and the feral cat population is down (not that I miss them spraying my door), however I would like to pick up some chickens and a couple of angora bunnies but I live in fear that the raccoons will confuse them with a drip tray(or perhaps they thought I left them sushi), just like the Koi.

  • ErinB says:

    girl- you are like oprah.
    and where did this justin clown come from? seriously its like he was just dropped on the planet one day.

  • Diane says:

    Why Ikea is off my ‘frequent shop’ locale: They are serious about the height requirements. Caroline is almost 4 yet is just shy of the ‘you must be above this line’ marker. Now checking in one (Sabrina) does me no good, frankly, because Sabrina is the easier one hands down. So when I got Caroline some stacked heels to put her safely in the lawyer’s ‘safety zone’, they made me take her shoes off to measure. So I was not only humiliated in front the line out the door for the ‘Playlaand’, I had a seriously ticked off preschooler to boot to hustle out to the car. Ikea means no fun for short kids in Swedish.

  • Hope you are okay and you must be if you are writing, but #8 I have to disagree. Or maybe I’m missing the joke. Kate Gosselin just works me up. I’m trying to work through it. Do you also do therapy? But when I need a laugh, I just watch Jimmy Fallons takeoff of her Paparazzi dance on Hulu. It makes me smile really big and sometmes laugh.

  • It does cost a lot to park in NY if you hit other cars. And it really really costs a lot if you hit a BMW three days off the lot that doesn’t even have its license plates yet. Not that I’ve done that or anything.

  • Monika says:

    Glad to hear the minivan is growing on you! Not sure why you didn’t just say “I don’t know why Justin Bieber is a teen sensation” because that’s what I was thinking!

  • Deb Ringold says:

    another tip…if a pen goes through the washer, not too big of a problem. The dryer…not good. Lots of ink everywhere. just another little tidbit toward your advanced degree. By the way, you are hysterical…

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