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I’ve been receiving a bunch of holiday cards and as grateful as I am for the wishes of peace, love and joy – frankly, you’re all making me feel like crap. What’s with all the cuteness and perfection?!

Look at some of these photos. I have threatened to photocopy one or two of them and just send them out as my own.

I don’t think three of my kids have ever smiled at the same time. Never mind for a photo.

I mean, come on! I’m going to assume these are all child actors who are hired to do seasonal holiday work. They can’t be REAL kids.

(Of course I got permission do show these photos. And by “permission,” I mean, their lawyers will probably be contacting me very soon.)

I would show my own holiday photo but I left them in a box on my stoop so people could just drive by and pick one up but strangely most people haven’t yet. I guess they still want me to use that fancy postal service thing.

By the way – if you are sending out a really lame, sucky holiday card, please email a copy to me. It would really make my Christmas.

And now for my favorite holiday card this year….

And inside the message reads…

“Please have a fecal sample ready to test for intestinal parasites.”

Okay! I will get on that. Happy Holidays to you too!

Turns out, this card was intended for some cat named Yuki so I’m obviously relieved about that.

38 Responses to why are all these holiday cards so perfect?!

  • Abby says:

    My one craft project of the year is my holiday card. And it’s just me, as you know (Kelcey). It’s in the mail. And it’s spectacular. And if you don’t post it for all the people I don’t know I’ll take it personally. It doesn’t involve all the beautiful children I don’t have but is hilarious nonetheless. xoxoxo

    • Kelcey says:

      OMG – you are so right. Here I was – thinking it was all about me. Poor Yuki. She’s probably pacing back and forth in front of the mailbox right now.

  • Kerri says:

    Too funny. Somehow we managed to get a decent picture of us with our 11 kids, one kid’s partner & my grandson. No one was dressed up, we took it in our drive way ( forest background ) and no shut eyes. The oldest has an awesome camera with a remote! We had. Comments about the stylist as a couple decided to sport rubber boots & I think dh was in crocks. Oh ours did not even make it to the front porch… It only got as far as facebook, compliments of one of the kids!

  • i am always deeply suspect of the overly perfect holiday card – I think that perhaps there are dark secrets lurking under all those happy smiles. that, or someone is holding a taser to their heads (and the taser-holder got photoshopped out of the picture).

  • Karin M says:

    A couple of years ago our family was featured in a campaign ad for our state-wannabe senator (he won). The photographer asked us to look grim (thinking how sad we were about health care costs–we are–and boy, did we look grim). Around the campaign office, that brochure became known as the “angry campaign brochure.” Our friends thought it was hilarious and so did we. And so, when Christmas rolled around, we used it as our holiday photo, with the caption, printed in a lovely font, mind you, “Merry Christmas from the angry Millers.” That holiday I kept picturing our mad mugs featured next to all those perfect photos on our friends’ refrigerators.

  • Sara says:

    K – If it makes you feel better, my father-in-law is a photographer and he said ALL he does during the holidays is photoshop people’s photos. I happen to know, FOR A FACT, that none of those kids are really smiling 😉 And he did edit out a taser-holder at least once.

    (feel better?)

  • Slow Panic says:

    I have some friends who are photographers and they send out the most sickeningly perfect Xmas cards every year. blech. I really am going to do a reality xmas card some year. But it would scare people. Just scare them.

  • Becky says:

    I’m just grateful the chipped tooth, bump/scratch on his forehead and recently self-styled bangs by way of safety scissors weren’t *too* evident in the holiday photo of my 8 year old. As he stood next to his 9 year old brother who had none of those delightful issues going on.

    Happy Holidays!

  • e says:

    Being in the photo biz I can tell you that what looks good on camera is not always so good in real life. And there is often a direct connection between the unhappiness at home and the extraordinary effort to have the whole family look perfect and happy on film. Not always, but sometimes. I’ll note that our family has not gotten out a card in 3 years. And while my husband manages to extract perfection from other families, he CANNOT get our kids to cooperate.

  • Julie says:

    Last year we received a card with two kids sitting on Santa’s lap. The little boy was hysterically crying. Talk about reality!

    Our photographer (who lives down the street) took a gazillion pictures while my kids had a play date with her kids at this park near our house. Her two boys were jumping up and down making faces at our children. We also bribed them with m&ms. That’s why they are smiling in our pic.

    I loved last year’s Folbaum bath photo!

    Merry Christmakkah!

  • daphne says:

    If the picture’s perfect than the only obvious conclusion is that those darling children must be perfect all the time. Isn’t that why the holidays are so beautiful?

  • Jen says:

    I hear you on the card madness. A friend took L & P’s picture while on the swing and singing Lady Gaga—Born this Way, Luke’s favorite song; otherwise I’d have no cute pic of them together. Hope you guys are surviving the holiday break so far…i’m about ready for them to go back to school!

  • Honest Mum says:

    Our Xmas Cards with child dressed as Santa never arrived thus none were sent. At least it’s one less thing my child will hate me for, when he gets older. Happy Holidays!

  • anna says:

    last year we were in a rental house and all the cards came in meant for the prior tenants, and then i realized that the perfect cards of our friends (already making us feel inferior) had NOTHING on this family’s circle of cards – talk about some perfect families.

    of course, since i had no way of forwarding them, i put them up as our own faux perfect friends.

    cause that’s the holiday spirit thing to do. i think.

  • Agent99 says:

    Haha. This years cars was slightly above average only because I shelled out a couple grand for wedding photography. Cleverly, I repurposed a couple of pictures of kids that had eyes open/no frowns. I was too lazy to have the 4th kid’s IV line Photoshopped out, hope no one noticed that. Next year, I’m screwed though!

kelcey kintner