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where’s the duct tape?
So maybe I need to clear something up.
No, I did not duct tape my kids in a corner, as Allison T. suggested, to keep them quiet during my interview with Better TV. Mostly because I don’t currently have any duct tape in my home.
This is sort of how the interview went at first…
“So are you stressed about the holidays?” asked the producer.
“Well – it does get a bit crazy this time of -”
“Mommy, I can’t find any of the hats for the potato heads. And they need hats,” Dylan interjected.
“New shirt. Need new shirt,” Summer insisted because she likes fresh attire every 23 minutes or so.
“And feet. The potato heads need feet. Can you help me find the feet? Where are the feet?” Dylan continued.
“NEW SHIRT!!!!” Summer whined.
Then they both veered off message and decided to immediately change into princess gowns. And Dylan chose to be all Britney and go cammando. So I explained to Dylan, “As a general rule of thumb, we try to keep our underwear on when we have guests over.”
And then I put them in front of the TV to watch a little “Sesame Street” while I finished the interview. No duct tape, scotch tape or any other adhesive needed. 21st century parenting in action.
Meanwhile, I’m such an idiot for complaining about Dylan pooping like clockwork at Whole Foods every week. Where was my gratitude?! (Thank you MN Mama for reminding me about gratitude.)
So here’s my newest rule of thumb. Anytime a kid poops in a toilet, you should just be grateful and shut the hell up.
Because yesterday Summer pooped in the tub. Of course, this has happened before. But it never gets any less gross. So I evacuated the tub, scooped out the poop, cleaned all the toys, scrubbed the tub and then refilled it for Summer and Dylan.
But Dylan was seriously unimpressed with my cleaning efforts.
“I still see poop crumbs,” she said.
But I’m telling you there was not a poop crumb, whatever that is exactly, in sight.
See, now just a few weeks ago, we were all engaged in a spirited debate about the future of this country. And now, I’m blabbering about poop crumbs.
I better go watch Obama on “60 Minutes” and try to pull myself together.
The rest of you, make sure to keep your underwear on if you have guests coming over.
mama bird notes:
Robin S. is the winner of the Ugly Dolls Babo’s Bird and the Hey Ugly Icebat Journal from Psychobaby! Congrats Robin. Please email your address to Kelcey@mamabirddiaries.com and your ugly winnings will be on their way to you.
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Holy Crap! I’m the first one to comment!! And crap seems to be a theme of this post.
Anyway, trying to do an interview with kids in tow is amazing!! And I caught the tail end of the Obama interview–I’m so happy he’s president!
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I am going to work in the phrase ‘poop crumbs’ into as many conversations as possible this week.
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OMG…I live alone and don’t crap in my tub but I don’t think I will be taking a bath for a LONG TIME after reading this post!
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Poop crumbs, now THAT is priceless. She would definitely have seen some of those in our bathroom yesterday since the cat we have captured is not quite accustomed to her litter box!
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“Poop crumbs,” that’s a classic. Baby has pooped in the bathtub more times than I care to remember. Funny how bathtime quickly became one of my husband’s duties…
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“Poop crumbs.” That is a hoot. Well, I guess it is if you’re not living it.
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One week you’re getting out the vote, the next you’re getting out the…well, you get the idea.
(I’ve lived that one…)
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P.S. That duct tape method is called a Redneck Timeout
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I ;ove it…Dylan has coined a new phrase! I will be sure to use it in a sentence today!
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I hope you gave her your most winning smile and said…whats a little more stress around the holidays? As you try to get at least one full (coherent) sentence out. I did an interview with my kids in the back ground playing at our kiddy kitchen set, interviewer thought it would be a good idea, but they couldnt speak…imagine that! She obviously didnt have kids!
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you really know how to ruin it for me when guests come over? why NOT commando for the company? it’s always distracted everyone from my less than stellar cooking skills. sigh.
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you really know how to ruin it for me when guests come over. why NOT commando for the company? it’s always distracted everyone from my less than stellar cooking skills. sigh.
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I still remember the first time one of our kids pooped in the tub. Larry wanted to buy a new one. (Tub, that is, not kid)
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What a great way to start the week! Reading about poop crumbs. I had forgotten all about poop in the tub. Thanks for the laugh!
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Wow, that’s just about all I can say. Wow.
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Oh ha ha waaaa haaaa! “Poop crumbs!” I love it!
And wasn’t Obama just the most fabulous thing on 60 minutes last night? his wife isn’t too bad either. Think she will be my friend?
Sigh.
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Doesn’t it amaze you how glamorous our lives can be;) There are many days where I feel like waste management is my specialty:P
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I enter every bathtime with an evacuation plan. With 3 kids under the age of 4 in 1 tub…the odds are not in my favor.
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That Dylan has future writer written all over her, coming up with clever phrases like that! This made me laugh out loud. But for your sake, I hope it’s the last time you have the privilege of scooping…
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wise, wise words… glad I read this before all of the thanksgiving guests arive.
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Yes, pooping in any toilet is something for which to be thankful. Much better than being pooped on, or poop in the tub, or poop on the floor. Ewwww.
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Can you imagine the poop crumbs from Big Bird?
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I found sometihng else for which you can be grateful for…. you don’t know where the duct tape is…. my goodness…. if I did not use duct tape everyday, my two year old would not make it through nap time or night time without a diaper on. Oh goodness! I am so thankful for duct tape and the fact that I know where it is!
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I have forgotten the horrors of tub poop. man, oh, man. poop crumbs I have not forgotten…they follow me…
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depends on the company!!!
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Well, Tully hasn’t pulled a Caddyshack in the tub in a long time but she does find the comfort of the Costco bathroom the perfect place to lay it down. Saturdays, usually, when there is an actual line formed for the restroom. She yells – Mommy, it’s going to be really big! and then proceeds to grunt and comment on her final product. Never a time goes by when I don’t hear the giggles of the moms or whomever else had the pleasure of sharing the experience with us.
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I am now officially terrified of poop crumbs
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I understand from my sister that years ago there were ‘poop crumbs’ in the swimming pool at the YMCA in Westport, Ct. The entire pool was evacuated; people/poop & water. It was ‘off limits’ for days..She even sent me the Official Notice written by the YMCA staff. I was going to hang it in my bathroom, as a reminder to my guests not to poop in my tub.
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Oh my. that is too funny! But, way to go on your interview!!
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OMG, I’d forgotten all about the poop in the tub incidents. Definitely, one of the grosser mommy moments in my book. Way to go on the interview though!
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But I don’t WANNA WEAR UNDIES!!!! WAHHHHAAAHHHH!!!!
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Poop crumbs..I am joining the rest of the gang on this. that is brilliant..lol
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I’d give anything for a regular pooper these days. Maybe I should up my visits to Whole Foods during the week!
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Haha! Marinka said what I was going to say.
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Does MN Mama duct tape the diapers so they will stay on? I will email her directly – no need to respond. Great post!
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I’ve never read one of these before, and don’t know why clidking to ‘join RSS feed’ since I liked yours so much lead me to a page in hypertext markup language that looked more like a ‘view source’ thingy… but, I just want to tell you that you are a FABulous writer- and just left me (and my husband as i read it to him) with HUGE relief that our children have dopplegangers (not the evil way, though- lol!). Great posting!
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