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Mar
16
2009

So I’m walking to the dentist recently and I have a little time to waste before my appointment, so I run into Urban Outfitters. I’m always convinced that if I pop by this store, I will find an amazing, cute top for $23.

This has never actually happened to me.

The second I walk in, my hears are vibrating from the nonstop pulsing music.  “I Want To Be Trash” is blasting from every corner. That’s the title of the song and pretty much all the lyrics too.

I look at other shoppers so we can make eye contact and momentarily bond over the insanely loud music but all I get are vacant 20-something stares.

At which I point I realize, anyone who has forehead wrinkles and doesn’t understand why someone wants to be trash is maybe too old for Urban Outfitters. So I leave. With no cute top.

And head to the dentist. My appointment goes like this…

1. The dental hygienist points out bone loss on my bottom teeth (which confirms my earlier suspicion that I’m too old for grunge, hipster chains like Urban Outfitters).

2. The dental hygienist tells me that I’m not flossing correctly.

3. The dental hygienist recommends I buy a water pick. I think the last time I saw a water pick was in my mother’s bathroom in the 80s but maybe that’s the decade for cutting edge dental technology.

4. The dental hygienist offers to pull up a water pick demonstration on the internet so I can see how it all works. I mumble something about a babysitter needing to leave early but PROMISE to check it out at home.

5. They try to pin me down for another appointment in 6 months. I commit to nothing.

mama bird notes:

I want to send out some prayers and love to the wonderful Braja of Lost and Found in India. She and her husband were in a terrible car accident last week. Updates can be found here. So please send your healing power their way.


41 Responses to urban jungle

  • Jennifer H says:

    And here I was feeling pretty good about using an Oral-B.

    I had my Urban Outfitters epiphany several years ago. Right around the same time I realized I need to stay out of the clothing section of Anthropologie. Very sad.

  • Jessica says:

    You seem much more like an Anthropologie kind of a gal anyway! Wrinkles there a plenty. (Botox too)

    By the way I have dentalcommitophobia. I keep shopping around looking for Mister Perfect Dentist. Haven’t found him yet!
     

  • Jessica says:

    You seem much more like an Anthropologie kind of gal to me… as for dentists I have Dentalcommitophobia. I keep searching for Mister Perfect Dentist. Haven’t found him yet!

  • Dixie Chick says:

    Yes, there is nothing like the retail world to make one feel old.  I will admit I go to Talbots all the time.  It’s a small store, it’s classic and I can find something to fit me in a short amount of time.  It’s not hip but I do worry that I will be wearing the same outfit as perhaps an even older lady at church.  I don’t have time to shop.
    I hate when the dentist calls, mine schedules 6 months out before I leave.

  • AH! The Evil Urban Outfitters.  That’s also how I am in Anthropology.  I’m all, “Oh I can totally find something cute and hip and in my size.”  Um… no.   Sadly they have no black v-neck sweaters that granted I have 12 of in my closet but I just need one more.

  • Merrily says:

    What I remember most about the water pick is my older brother setting it up so it shot me in the face when I went into the bathroom and turned on the light! Maybe you could find one at an antique storer…

  • Katie says:

    Anytime I hear loud music I know I’m way too old for that store and I keep walking. Usually to Sears where I can oogle small kitchen appliances. Ugh.

    I have an award for you on my blog, come get it.

  • Stop trying to waste your money on those silly little tops. Spend the money on botox instead – then you won’t have those wrinkles on your forehead. It’s a win win situation.

  • When I was little I desperately wanted to play with the water pick. I thought it MUST make the water taste better. Kind of how it tastes better from a straw. In a way – a water pick is like an automatic straw… Now THAT’S and idea! I wonder if anyone has ever thought of that… Calling my patent lawyer right now.

  • Chris says:

    Urban Outfitters…  I did find the classic Charlie Brown Christmas tree there a few years ago.  (I’m with Belle Bamford – go for the Botox.)

    No one can shame a person like a dental hygienist. (No offense t0 the professional hygienists out there – my roommate in college became one.)

  • ErinB says:

    ugh ..I totally have to make a dentist apt.
    this piece did not inspire me to do so…though I do enjoy a new toothbrush!

  • Stacy Quarty says:

    K. I couldn’t listen to more than a few seconds of that trash crap. I guess that makes me old too, especially considering I’ve already had gum surgery… twice!

  • America says:

    Ick, I hate the dentist!  The only thing I hate more is that other doctor who checks a completely different orifice albeit with eerily similar tools!!

    The thing that strikes me the most about my time in the dentist chair is how my tongue suddenly gets a mind of its own.  Normally it just calmly sits in my mouth, minding it’s own business.  But as soon as the hygienist starts poking around in my mouth, my tongue starts flailing around, out of control like a schizophrenic octopus.

    Not exactly my most flattering look!

  • America says:

    Ick, I hate the dentist!  The only thing I hate more is that other doctor who checks a completely different orifice albeit with eerily similar tools!!The thing that strikes me the most about my time in the dentist chair is how my tongue suddenly gets a mind of its own.  Normally it just calmly sits in my mouth, minding it’s own business.  But as soon as the hygienist starts poking around in my mouth, my tongue starts flailing around, out of control like a schizophrenic octopus.Not exactly my most flattering look!

  • PAPA says:

    You ever have the “deep cleaning” – that’s the new thing now.  Costs like a grand and it hurts like hell.  I guess beauty is pain, yeah?

  • ella says:

    I f–ing hate the dentist. (shudder)

    When I to to Forever 21 with my daughter, I feel those eyes on me and I want to say “I don’t even dream of shopping here! I know I’m almost 44! Stop judging me!”
    On the other hand, we discovered a grocery store that apparently plays the soundtrack from our junior high school days 24/7, so we like shopping there.

  • Terra says:

    So not talking about the dentist!  I can totally relate to the shopping trip though, every christmas when I shop for my 20 something neice and nephew…ARGH

  • Vicki says:

    There is an UO right next to a restaurant I take my daughter to here in LA.  EVERY TIME we go to The Stand, I say “oh I’m just going to pop in there real quick and see if there is something inexpensive and cute.”  There is never anything cute, unless I am 18 and a pencil.  And nothing is inexpensive.  But yet, I keep torturing myself by going in there, finding nothing, and then feeling bad about wasting my time.  ARGH!

  • Kim says:

    Look… I have a few lines on my forehead too, and I shop at Urban Outfitters, and love it!  Actually, I often get Mama compliments on my cute tee’s and sweaters, not to mention my cool scarfs!!!!!!  Try shopping online, no loud “trash” music to deal with, and you can hear yourself think!  You can be a hip Mom at any age… wrinkles, or no wrinkles!!!!! 🙂

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    Your dentist visit wasn’t as bad as my friend Gail’s was.  At 12 we both went to the same dentist, she was there for routine cleaning/x-rays.  I waited for her outside (no mothers came with us).  She came out all flushed and confused, and asked me if the dentist took an x-ray of my breast as he did with her.  I laughed, Gail had been ‘molested’ and we were too young and dumb to know better.  Dentists are very weird anyway…

  • Shana says:

    Do you love how much time you get to spend with the hygienist at these visits? According to my paper’s want ads, they made about $14 per hour. Since they do the bulk of the work at the visit, shouldn’t the visit cost a little less?

  • ShallowGal says:

    I gave my husband endless crap when he bought his waterpick. When he bought his travel-sized waterpick, that’s when I realized that I accidentally married John McCain.

  • Rhea says:

    screw that, no way I’m going to dentist every 6 months…unless someone else is paying for me.

    You don’t need a water pick.  Just get a toothpick and look classy.  lol

  • scrappysue says:

    at the risk of sounding like a ‘nan’ – you need to go to the dentist regularly!!!  otherwise you will have problems and won’t be able to eat steak without your falsies falling in your entree etc etc….

    trust me!!!  i’m scheduled for gum surgery (again) next month…

  • MommyTime says:

    When I was in grad school, my friend dubbed that place Urban Crapfitters because their clothing lasts approximately 78 seconds after you first put it on before it begins to disintegrate.  So, music aside, you aren’t missing much by not shopping there.

  • Becca says:

    It is funny that you should mention a water pick.  My dentist recommended the same.  The last one I remember is my grandfather’s and I remember thinking it was fun to play with.  Now I am not so sure that I want one!

    Becca

    Please visit me at http://www.askbecca.com

  • Lanie says:

    It is very loud in Abercrombie & Fitch too.  Urban Outfitters used to have a Centipede machine 🙂 Good thing we went to college so I could discover pop-a-shot!
    Great post!


kelcey kintner


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