I pause a little bit before the maternity store, the one I always rush by without so much as a quick glance. A couple names whirl around in my head. I start to ponder what it really means to be of a family of five.
And then it’s over.
Just like that.
Before it barely began.
I was pregnant.
And now I’m not.
And I can’t believe how much I miss something that never really was.
Only a couple people even knew I was pregnant. It was so early. I would wait. At least a little while. Make sure everything was ok.
But then it wasn’t ok.
And now I’m just left here wondering why.
I’ve known so many women who have had miscarriages. And my empathy has always been deep for these mothers. To feel such a loss.
And now my compassion is even deeper. Now I understand just a little bit more.
And I just want to run out and do something, anything to get my mind off this.
But there is nowhere to go.
Nowhere I won’t feel this.
And now I’m just left here, with all this stillness in the air, all this potential that evaporated before I even had a chance to grasp it.
And I want to crush the sadness but I can’t.
And I want to end the longing but it’s there.
And that is where I am. For now.
And I squeeze my girls a little tighter and my gratitude for them is limitless.