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I pause a little bit before the maternity store, the one I always rush by without so much as a quick glance. A couple names whirl around in my head.ย  I start to ponder what it really means to be of a family of five.

And then it’s over.

Just like that.

Before it barely began.

I was pregnant.

And now I’m not.

And I can’t believe how much I miss something that never really was.

Only a couple people even knew I was pregnant. It was so early. I would wait. At least a little while. Make sure everything was ok.

But then it wasn’t ok.

And now I’m just left here wondering why.

I’ve known so many women who have had miscarriages. And my empathy has always been deep for these mothers. To feel such a loss.

And now my compassion is even deeper. Now I understand just a little bit more.

And I just want to run out and do something, anything to get my mind off this.

But there is nowhere to go.

Nowhere I won’t feel this.

And now I’m just left here, with all this stillness in the air, all this potential that evaporated before I even had a chance to grasp it.

And I want to crush the sadness but I can’t.

And I want to end the longing but it’s there.

And that is where I am. For now.

And I squeeze my girls a little tighter and my gratitude for them is limitless.

115 Responses to unexpected

  • Robyn says:

    I know how you feel and my heart goes out to you.

    The “what could have been” is hard to get over. Even when you’re happy with what you HAVE right now.

    Hugs to you.

  • Rhea says:

    I’m so sorry, Kelcey. I’m glad you shared though, because lots of people wouldn’t. And it’s one of those things we should share and should talk about. I’m not about bottling up secrets.

    I hurt for you but have hope for you as well. Take the time to grieve, you need to.

  • lilith says:

    Dear Kelcey, though we don’t know each other, I just want to hug you and put a smile on your face and tell you that one fine day, you will be alright.

  • stephanie says:

    I’ve been where you are right now. Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I’m so very sorry!!! You are in my thoughts and I am sending a little bit of love your way. I too am going to hold my daughter a little bit tighter today.

  • Wendy says:

    This is not an easy thing – I know, too. But thank you for your courage to speak out. I wish I had heard how “common” it is…it may have eased the shock a little. But only time can ease the pain. I hope time passes quickly for you. You’re in the thoughts of many friends.

  • MamaGeek says:

    Girl, I totally feel ya. I’m an infertile mertile and know this feeling ALL. TOO. WELL. There’s like a secret handshake amongst us and I’m sending you best wishes and a virtual hug.

  • Jennifer says:

    Gosh, I don’t even know what to say. I cannot say I know what you’re going through, but know you and your beautiful family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • rachel says:

    KK- I like everyone else reading this post is with you in your grief. I hope we can help shoulder some of your pain. I am so sorry, and my heart and love is with you, Rick and the girls. Please holler if you need anything at all.

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    It’s also nature’s way of getting rid of an ‘imperfection’…that might have caused you more grief in the long run. The next one will be perfect; just as the first 2 were. Cheer up…get into bed with Rick and start the next one.

  • Diana says:

    Oh, Kelcey, I am so sorry. Thank you for being so brave to share this with others who might have felt alone with a similar sadness. You are in my thoughts.

  • Daphne says:

    So sorry sweetie. It knocked me on my butt when it happened to me–all that helps is time, sorry to say, and hugs from those beautiful gals of yours.

  • Kimberly says:

    kelcey, you are VERY brave to post this.. and expressed yourself beautifully… i am so sorry for you both (as i told you already!)…i love you and am sending lots of hugs! feel good…

  • Becky says:

    I donโ€™t know what to say, just that I have been there. It hurts so much, the loss of that Possibility. It is so difficult to understand.

    With time you begin to heal but you always remember that little life and love it. I carry mine around in my heart all the time.

    I am so sorry for your loss.

  • Robin says:

    Strong. Eloquent. Expressive. I admire you for sharing this for other mothers who know or will one day know the sorrow you’re experiencing. Another squeeze from me. And a moment of silent introspection.

  • Oz says:

    Oh, honey. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I had an early miscarriage before having my boy, and it’s hard. So hard. I hope that all the support you’re getting through the comments, and from friends and family, will help you through this time.

  • Tully's Mama says:

    Kelcey – you expressed your emotions so beautifully. Take care. My thoughts & prayers are with you & your family.

  • Jen Zobel Bieber says:

    Kelcey, I am so sorry. Words don’t seem enough, but want you to know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Quinn says:

    My heart hurts for you. I love you so very much and I so wish that I could take some of your pain away. I hope that with time it will hurt a little less. I’m sending lots of hugs and prayers.

  • myhouseof6 says:

    kelcey, painful to read, im sure so painful to write. im so sorry.
    i hope that allows all of us to step back and remember how blessed we are. good gracious i have four children and dont appreciate what gifts they really are nearly as much as i should.

  • I get it. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks – but it’s amazing how many plans you can make by then. And every time I pulled on a piece of clothing for the next couple of weeks, I’d think, “The last time I wore this, I was pregnant.” It’s a real disappointment and loss.

  • Janna says:

    Sorry for your loss. You’re brave to tell everyone. I had a miscarriage before Abby & had a hard time with the responses people gave me when I told them about it. So I stopped telling people. After time passed, I didn’t mind talking about it. But it’s definitely a loss and I felt like it was a death that I was mourning for a while. So sorry for your loss. Keep hugging your husband & your girls and hang in there.

  • Renee says:

    Kelcey, you are very brave to write so openly and beautifully about such a private and sad matter. I want to tell you that time makes it better, but now, as I read this with tears running down my face, I realize that it hasn’t yet for me. I’m sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

  • LittleJ says:

    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Your post was very courageous.
    I know all too well that there are no words of comfort at this time. I just hope you have plenty of shoulders to lean on and ears to listen to you, Kelcey.

  • Portia says:

    Oh Kelcey…I was waiting for the “humor parenting” punch line….and it never came. I’m so sorry that you had to experience this. It really is a hard thing to get over…and no amount of ‘well be thankful you have 2 already’ or ‘It’s just God’s way’ will ease the emptiness that this loss brings …It simply will just take time. I empathize deeply with you. I know you must have excellent support but if you need an ear I am a good listener and I am here.

  • Lanie says:

    “What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us. ” Helen Keller

    I wish I could say something to make this easier for you and Rick. I know there is nothing I can say or do that will suffice. If there was something I could do or say please know that I would. XOXO

  • Dixie Chick says:

    I wish you were not going through this pain and loss. I do know as well about the pain. We went through infertility for 2 years before having our first child. There were so many devastating disappointments during the whole process. And even after having another child on our own, you never forget the pain and suffering even though others may never get it at all. You find some \\\”sisters\\\” out there who do.
    I\\\’m sorry for you and your family\\\’s loss. I have said a prayer for you.

  • Brittany says:

    Kelcey – I am so sorry to hear of your loss – I know exactly what you are going through as I have had multiple miscarriages and it is something you will never forget. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

  • Madmad says:

    Oh, honey, I’m so sorry! It’s funny how quick we can write these little guys into our life, isn’t it? We think of names and birthdates and rearrange our lives within seconds. Aw. It’s too bad. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  • Sandrine says:

    Oh Kelcey I’m so so so sorry and so sad. I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling. I send you a big big hug.

  • tracey says:

    I wish that there were some reason for it… that we could find meaning in the pains of life…

    You have my love and sympathy. I am so so sorry…

  • Kate says:

    Oh – I’m so sorry. There isn’t anything that could be said to help really… All you can do is allow yourself to feel as bad or good as you need to, to get through. And maybe to get lots of hugs from your kids. Hugging children will always help.

  • Michelle says:

    Oh no. I am so sorry for your loss, it’s horrible and so empty feeling. I have been there, and it’s so unfair. Let the sadness crush you, you are entitled to mourn your loss… and then it will ease up. And you will have your chance at 5 again. You will. I know you will.

  • mp says:

    I have more internet friends then real life friends that have had misscarriages..and OMG I’ve seen it RIP you inside and out. I haven’t had one but beleive me when I say I am VERYVERY sorry for you loss. {{hugs}}

  • Amanda says:

    I know that there are no words that can comfort your loss, but time will help ease the pain. Your words brought me to tears, remembering the shock I felt myself when one minute I thought everything was fine, next minute I’m told my unborn baby will not make it. I was pregnant, and now I’m not, and my heart hurts everyday because of it.

  • Kelcey, my heart goes with you. You are right that there is nowhere to go, but in the end, that is a gift.

    So be sweet with yourself and your family and know that you are wrapped in the love and support of all who know you.

  • Another Mamabird says:

    I follow your blog regularly and find such humor and comfort in it. My heart hurt for you and your family. Your piece was so moving, eloquent and touching. Although I am fortunate to have never experienced your pain, I am guessing that found comfort in your words. Thinking of you

  • Jessi says:

    Kelc, from one mother to another, from one woman to another, from one who has been there numerous times before, I can only express my hugs and thoughts, and sympathy, and all those other feelings and emotions that have no name via leaving you a message on here. I can’t hug you in real life and tell you how sorry I am, but please know that I do understand exactly how you feel and I am truly sorry. I pray that you find the comfort you need to come through this to the other side. If ever you want to talk, or just lean on someone, if ever you need a friend (though you have so many here too!) you know how to reach me. My new email I used here is the one I use for BB messenger too if you use it on your phone also.

  • Amy@UWM says:

    Thank you for having the courage to share your pain. I hope the well wishes, hugs and prayers that are coming to you via this site bring you some measure of comfort.

    I am so very sorry for your loss.

  • Megan says:

    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Be sure to lean on your family and friends for support during this difficult time. If I can do anything please let me know. I will keep you and your wonderful family of four in my prayers! All my love!

  • johanna says:

    Many blessings, hugs, and best wishes being sent to you. Each and every single one of us would wipe your tears and take away the pain for you if we could. I hope time helps to heal. Lots of love to you.

  • Rob Stewart says:

    You are in my prayers – and i am so sorry my dear. I am sending you love and prayers and comfort. Wishing you healing for your heart –

  • calikim says:

    OMG!! I have been out of touch with the MBD’s late this week, but I just checked in and saw this post. I am SO sorry!! It has to be rough….and I wish you all the best recovering from this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Auntie T says:

    Kelcey and Rick,
    I am so sorry … Quinn told me this weekend, I had missed the post last week while away!
    Just know that we love and cherish you!
    Call me anytime. I know about the longing…. that doesn’t go away.

  • Aimee says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had more time to check blogs while I was away instead of being so tardy on this…
    But I want you to know….last year at this very same time, I also miscarried very early on. It was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, and I honestly feel like people can not understand it unless they have gone through it in this case. It is isolating. It is also hard not to feel like your body betrayed you. I felt comfort from an old friend that had one a year before and she told me 2 things 1. it never goes away and 2. hold onto a little something to remind you of this time (not sure if you read my blog last month about the acorn)
    You are not alone. feel free to e-mail me, I would be happy to help you it anyway I can, as a person in the this club nobody ever wants to join.
    Prayers to you.

  • Kim says:

    Oh Kelcey.. I am so sorry.. god do I know the pain though.. and I said the same thing this summer when it happened to me.. going through it makes you understand the pain and loss you feel..

    HUGE HUGE hugs.. huge (and you are so brave to post about it..I never did because I could barely breath it hurt so much)

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kelcey kintner