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When it comes to traveling, it’s really important to follow the proper etiquette. Because it can be hard to remember the do’s and don’ts,  I put together this little cheat sheet for you. Good luck and happy travels.

At the Airport: 

When going though airport security, don’t take your laptop out of the case despite the fact that the TSA officer has shouted for everyone to take their devices out of the cases approximately 40 times. The officer will appreciate your laid back and no stress demeanor.

Do take your laptop or iPad out of its case at the very last minute (about the same time you realize you have three completely full S’well water bottles). The man behind you – who has 16 minutes to catch his flight – will appreciate your commitment to staying hydrated.

If you have children, you can have them burn energy by running circles around people who are trying to make their connecting flights.

You can get lots of great snacks at the airport. This may be your only opportunity to pay close to $10 for a bag of chips so carpe diem!

Be sure to take your children to the bathroom so they can tell you they don’t have to pee. They are going to save “desperately needing to pee” for take off.

On the Airplane: 

At the beginning of the flight, be sure to mention to any nervous passengers, “It’s so exciting to be on this pilot’s first flight!”

Don’t try to stuff too much in the overhead compartment. Your neighbor will hold anything you can’t fit on his or her lap.

There will probably be more dogs than people on your flight. Remember – it doesn’t hurt to travel with a handful of dog biscuits.

This pig was recently on my dad’s flight…

(It seems like pigs are doing a lot more traveling than in the past. If a pig ends up next to you on a flight, don’t panic. Just make sure he’s updated on all emergency procedures and put his oxygen mask on after yours.)

If you’re sitting in the window seat, don’t go to the bathroom during the flight. But if you really really have to go, definitely do it just as drinks are being served and the tray tables are down. Remember climbing  over your neighbors is always an option.  Think of it as a mini American Ninja Warrior competition.

Don’t take off you shoes unless your fellow passengers like the smell of feet. Always assume your fellow passengers like the smell of feet.

If you forget your headphones, politely ask your neighbor, “Can I put one of your earbuds in my ear and watch that movie with you?”

If you end up being seated near the bathroom, you can keep busy by timing how long each person takes in the bathroom and letting them know their speed afterwards.

If you have a crying baby, it’s best to hand out $20 bills at the end of the flight. Or give one of the passengers your baby as a thank you. Your choice.

Once You Arrive at Your Destination: 

Be sure to tell the taxi or Uber driver, exactly where to go. Because they’ve only lived in that city for 30 years. Plus you know so much more than Google maps.

This is a good time to make loud cell phone calls so the driver can really understand the hardships of your life like Bobby’s soccer class conflicting with Julia’s piano lesson.

Be sure to get a 5 star commitment from your Uber driver. Do whatever it takes… compliment him. Tip. Offer to send one of his kids to college. The point is – get that 5 star rating.

When you reach your destination, feel confident that you have been a truly polite and gracious traveler.

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kelcey kintner