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Dec
11
2013

You can drive while talking on your phone while giving yourself a facial while working on an excel spreadsheet. That is all fine. Just don’t leave your trash can outside of your garage or you will be ticketed. Because Florida don’t put up with that crap.

Women work out in full make up.

These women also don’t sweat.

Every conversation somehow ends up a conversation about boob jobs.

Floridians are super serious about their Christmas decorations. Like if your lights don’t dance to the rhythm of specific holidays songs, just shut them off because nobody needs to see your amateur, half ass efforts.

79 degree weather means boots and sweatshirts. Maybe a light vest. I just felt a breeze. Better grab a coat.

No one has yet to say to me, “So what do you think of the Ukraine situation?” But probably in New York, nobody would ask me either.

Despite the humidity, everyone’s hair looks fantastic.

You must own sunglasses. And when you lose yours, you will be forced to wear your 9-year-old’s rhinestone pair. So you will buy a replacement at a local pharmacy. You will then break those and be forced to once again to wear your tween’s glasses. This situation will keep repeating itself.

You will wait 2 to 4 minutes at traffic lights. It will seem like an hour and a half.

You will start to wonder if Publix is some kind of mafia run supermarket chain because there is one in every single shopping center. But once you find out they give free cookies to kids at the bakery, you will no longer care about that organized crime connection.

Every bizarre national story you hear on the news will take place in Florida.

Despite bears attacking innocent women in gated communities, sink holes, alligators and George Zimmerman, it’s still 80 degrees and sunny.

palm tree

mama bird notes:

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13 Responses to things i’ve learned about florida

  • Kristina Dorfman says:

    Hysterical… and by the way, it will stop being 80 degrees and sunny and start being 40 degrees and WINDY when we arrived in December to see my in-laws. Same crap weather every year when we’re there, despite my pleas for warmer weather before we arrive.

  • hokgardner says:

    We moved from Massachusetts to Sarasota, FL when I was 8. Up north, my dad had raced white water canoes. In Florida, white water is hard to come by. But he decided to put the canoe in the lake behind our house and paddle around for a work out. As he was carrying the canoe, one of the neighbors came running, yelling “No! No! There are alligators in there. You can’t canoe in there!”

    Mom took one look at the alligator-infested lake in our backyard and said, “Where the hell did you make us move?” and slammed the door.

    And Publix cakes are the best.

  • LeeAnn Fritsch says:

    I am from Palm Beach Gardens. I now live in Tolland, CT. I miss Florida. I miss my family. I miss Publix the MOST!!! The heat I can pass on and you will find that your skin will always be dewy and fresh because of the constant humidity. You won’t dry out. Welcome to my home sweet lady.

  • Princess Judy says:

    We have a saying here in Arizona: Thank God for Florida!

    “Every bizarre national story you hear on the news will take place in Florida.”

  • Jen says:

    I’m so curious about how you’r handling the “culture” shock of living outside of New York! I guess I’m getting a sense after this post, ha ha. After six months of living in Georgetown TX, loving our gorgeous limestone house and pool, Eric and I looked at each other and were like “we have to get back to NY!” It was like being on vacation. We loved Austin, but it was still, gotta get back, gotta get back… and now that I am back, finally after a year and a half, it feels like I never left. BUT man, what an adjustment it was coming home. There definitely is something to be said for space and warm weather and access to schools that you’re not freaking out about the next round of applications to get in! But also love the diversity, access to a 3 hour Shakespeare play on Broadway that blows your mind, then of course the food. It’s all give and take, girl, give and take!

  • Elizabeth says:

    Bam. Nailed it. I moved to Miami (first South Beach then Coral Gables cuz I ain’t about that South Beach life) shortly after getting married, and I totally agree that the area’s subculture (and weather) is quirky…but totally awesome. There’s always such a random hodge podge of events going on- everything from Art Basel to Urban Beach Week. I also had to re-train my thinking about weather- winter=awesome, summer=rainrainsomuchrain. I haven’t been back since moving to LA, but hope to go for Art Basel next year. Should we maybe meet at Publix for cookies?


kelcey kintner


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