That Elf on a Shelf is always staring at me and I’m confident these are the things he’s thinking…
1. I wonder how long that lady is going to look for her keys. I can see them right there under the couch. She’s checked her back pocket 4 times. Lady, they are under the couch!!
2. These kids seriously eat more off the floor than their plates.
3. Oh man, they forgot to move me again. I wonder what excuse they are going to use this time. I like the one about me having a bit of sciatica.
4. That 4 year old boy just asked his mother 14 times if he could have a snack. Dude, you aren’t getting a snack.
5. Oh wait, 14 might be his lucky number after all. He broke her. He got a snack!
6. I would do anything to change my outfit. I’m soooo over red. I wish I could wear navy. I look fabulous is navy.
7. No one around here is ever going to guess that I’m the mastermind behind the Sony hacking scheme.
8. Where are the Barbies? I can’t find them anywhere. Did they get rid of the Barbies? They know I like to hang with Barbies late night. Come on!! Last year I hung out in the Barbie hot tub!
9. Pizza 3 nights in a row. Seriously people?! You’re mailing this parenting thing in.
10. Why would you buy a kid a drum set?
11. Hey lady, if you’re going to pour yourself a glass of Sauvignon Blanc, don’t forget a glass for the elf. I’m right up here!
12. Can someone please change the channel from Bravo?! A little variety folks!
13. Do you know they are trying to make me work all year round by turning me into a birthday elf! I seriously need a new contract.
14. It’s hard living in a world with so much Elf on a Shelf hate.
15. Did they just turn out the lights and go to sleep. Hello? Hello? Isn’t anyone going to move me? Hello?
Check out my latest piece on Lifetime Moms. Ashton Kutcher has declared that he and Mila Kunis aren’t getting a nanny. But trust me celebrity power couple, if you don’t want to turn into crazed, exhausted maniacs, you’re going to need some support.