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My mother has been terribly concerned about my well being.

She is worried that I may be suffering from some kind of “post election withdrawal” like this girl.

I assured her that I am completely fine.

But now, I think, she worries that I am suffering from “post election withdrawal denial.”

A slightly different but still serious disorder. I’m totally not. Seriously, I’m not.

I am actually feeling very hopeful and calm these days.

Except at the supermarket.

Because as you might remember, my daughter has a pension for pooping at the grocery store.

Every single week at Whole Foods, Dylan announces that she has to poop.

And it’s always at the hot prepared foods section.

Why is that exactly?!

So I have to immediately get a Whole Foods employee to escort us to the bathroom in the back, do the whole pooping production with Dylan and then convince Summer that yes, she truly does want to be buckled back into the shopping cart. And as Summer whimpers, it’s back to the hot prepared foods section to finish our order.

At this point, we’ve gone to the bathroom so many times at Whole Foods, that I try to seek out new employees to escort us to the back. What if the workers start to think that I have some kind of weird disorder where I won’t let my kids poop at home?

And why doesn’t Whole Foods in Chelsea have a normal, public bathroom? You know, one you can visit WITHOUT AN ESCORT.

Once, I actually revolted against the Whole Foods buddy system and went back there without my fancy escort and they totally yelled at me.

Look, I don’t need that kind of grief. I’m just trying to buy some organic, locally grown, trade free, guilt free, plastic bag free, environmentally friendly, paraben free, SPF 30 groceries. Hmm… I think that’s the Whole Foods promise.ย  Something like that anyway.

So yes mom, as you can see, even without the poll checking, phone banking and campaign obsessing…my life is still full and meaningful.

Really, I promise.

35 Responses to the whole foods promise

  • stephanie says:

    I am a HUGE fan of Whole Foods! However, I have never needed an escort into the bathroom at our local WF. I was a very frequent guest while pregnant with Tyler. You’d think they’d want to know what I was doing in there all the time. Luckily, she is still in diapers (did I REALLY just say that?!?!?) but I know our public restroom days will be here soon.

    Post election withdrawal….none here!!! Our new car was actually keyed, two days after the election, because of the Obama magnet on the back. Total bummer that someone would be so hateful. This country has come so far but we obviously still have a ways to go. Snapped me right out of the withdrawal I was experiencing!!!

  • kristen says:

    yet another reason to move to MY burbia….a brand-new, shiny, shiny Whole Foods (like the one in tribeca) and you can walk into the bathroom whenever you please.

    and if that’s not enough, you can go to target in the same complex AND starcrack.

    seriously, what else do you need? hahaha

  • myhouseof6 says:

    stephanie – sorry, even crazy me wouldn’t do such a thing.
    kelcey – don’t you worry a bit – they get paid to help customers, that is their job. if they get fussy with you just whip out that fancy porta potty and have her go IN the hot food section.

  • Merrily says:

    I have had the have-to-poop-in-the-grocery-store-right-NOW! syndrome myself. I think it is has something to do with the yards walked combined with the salivation factor…?

  • I feel for Dylan. I used to have this thing that whenever I was shopping for greeting cards in Walgreen’s I had to poop.
    Wow, did I just put that on the internets for all to see.

    Maybe I should just stick to posting about Election Withdrawal.

  • maggie says:

    Just be thankful that you have access to a Whole Foods. I went through major WF withdrawl when we moved from San Antonio, TX to Roanoke, VA. The closest one is 2 hours away!

  • Rhea says:

    Some places are just bowel-inspiring. Is it something in the air? The lights? I just don’t know.

    I wouldn’t like Whole Foods buddy system either. Are we back in elementary school again?

  • Rhea says:

    BTW, my mom pees all the time. I think because she drinks tons of water all day…and she knows all the best bathrooms around town.

    I’m serious.

    It’s hilarious.

  • misty says:

    that is really interesting… the upside is, if she’s ever constipated- you know exactly where to go and what to do…

    but more interesting is how annoying this has to get for them (not you, but taking EVERY customer who needs to go, back there)… I don’t understand their reasoning for no Public Restroom.

  • Oz says:

    The bathroom at our W Foods is public, which was very necessary for me while pregnant. I don’t think I ever made it through a grocery trip without having to pee.

    Why IS it in the back? Is it just because of the structure of the store, or is it some obscure code thing? Maybe you could start a letter-writing campaign, put some of those get out the vote skills to use.

  • MN Mama says:

    I agree with Daphne…. I think you may be ready for the burbs. We have plenty of public restrooms in our stores here. The election is not over here either. We still do not have a senator. Ugh! It is ugly.

  • Jodie says:

    WHY do children do this to us? My daughter LOVES public bathrooms, which is exactly the opposite of how I feel about them. This, by far, is my least favorite thing about motherhood.

  • Buffy Blackwell says:

    My 8-year old is the p*ss wizard. No matter where we go, no matter that she’s just gone at home, this child has to pee at EVERY place we go. In restaurants, she likes to wait until my food is served and then announce “DA NA NA NA-it’s potty time” (think MC Hammer and “Hammertime”). I know this is advance retribution for the mental anguish I will surely inflict on her when she becomes a teenager.

    Of course the 2-year old is now taking off her pants by herself and peeing in her pot (and on the bathroom rug and on her clothes and sometimes just right on the floor). My favorite is when she empties the poop into the tub and I happen upon it…it’s a good thing my little suckers are so adorable!

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    Myhouseofsix has the right idea; let Dylan poop in the hot food section; right into your traveling potty on the floor. We call it ‘Whole Paycheck’ here; that’s why I shop at Trader Joe’s. Bathroom’s right up front at our store; new buildings do that. They recognize people do pee and poop…so they don’t have to hire more help to be Bathroom Escorts.

  • Madge says:

    maybe you should place some whole food type items around your bathroom at home, to inspire dylan to poop before you go shopping. that wouldn’t be any trouble at all would it…

  • Jacquie says:

    When you move out of the city, going to the Whole Foods bathroom without an escort will be right up there with being able to climb trees without a fine!

  • patois says:

    I thought my eldest child was a one-of-a-kind with that inclination. He’d never poop anywhere outside of the house, until we started house hunting. Then there was this one house that we visited several times. Every time, he had to go. Yeah, we had to buy the house.

  • ewe_are_here says:

    I hope when they yelled at you for taking your daughter to the bathroom without a buddy, you responded really loudly with a ‘What? Did you just tell to let my daughter poop in your store rather than use your precious bathroom?’

  • Kim says:


    As of right now I do not have a Whole Foods near me.. I cannot wait to experience the glory of one in Spring of 2009.

  • MN Mama says:

    I am trying to be grateful in all circumstances… it is my new thing… so here is my trying to be grateful in your situation. Can you be grateful that Dylan always has to go to the bathroom in the same store so you don’t have to get to know a new bathroom but are already familiar with the one in whole foods? Just a positive spin. I hope it helps. Or you could just move to the burbs where we have lots of bathrooms in all sorts of stores and you don’t have to go with an employee. Take your pick.

  • scrappysue says:

    i find going ‘out back’ of some stores totally frightening! the employee only section shouldn’t be seen sometimes i tell ya! miss 19 always needed to poop as soon as she got to her best friend’s house – kids are weird

kelcey kintner