Guest post by 2 1/2 year-old Chase and Harlowe
Hey everybody! It’s Chase and Harlowe. It’s our first guest post together and — “CHASE – GET OFF THE KEYS!!!! GET OFF!!!!”
“HARLOWE – YOU NOT NICE. YOU NOT NICE.”
“CHASE LICK THE KEYS. CHASE LICK THE KEYS!!!”
Where were we? Oh right, our first guest post together. Our mother would have written it herself but she says we are pushing her to the edge of a nervous breakdown (whatever that means) and she’s resting right now.
We have been taking turns throwing tantrums and let me tell you, that lady can not handle a little crying. And by “a little,” we mean 6 or 7 hours. That woman is so fragile.
Anywho (isn’t that the dumbest made up word), we thought it would be fun to come up with a short list of typical toddler behavior in case you have a toddler and think there is something seriously wrong with your child. There isn’t. We toddlers just like to seriously mess with you.
And because the two of us are overachieving toddlers, we try to fit in all these behaviors in one day. We really encourage all kids 3 and under to do the same. So here we go….
Things Toddlers Do For Fun:
Refusal to wear certain clothing.
Refusal to wear any clothing.
This behavior is usually 2 minutes before mom says we absolutely, positively must leave the house.
Complete depression and upset over a microscopic drop of water on our clothes.
Complete depression and upset over a nonexistent drop of of water on our clothes.
Dislike of the chicken nuggets that we LOVED yesterday. Why would she try to feed those to us today?! They are so disgusting.
Refusal to get strapped into the car seat. We’d rather drive.
New skills like we can now climb up on the kitchen counter. Hey, the toaster is so easy to turn on!
Need for band aids hourly for non existent boo boos.
Total outrage over the fact that mom just ran out of band aids.
Melt down over not wanting to take a bath followed by refusal to get out of the bath.
Refusal to wear a hat when it’s 17 degrees out.
Mental breakdown and uncontrollable sobbing because mom can’t find our favorite wool hats when it’s 87 degrees out.
Only want to play with toys that some other kid is holding.
Happy to play independently until we catch mom trying to sneak into the bathroom alone.
Will use super human strength to knock down the bathroom door if mom tries to lock it so she can pee alone. What’s her deal anyway?
Our underwear is too tight. And maybe too loose too.
Ability to repeat the same phrase 10,000 times. Mom has no idea what we are saying and she looks, what’s that word? Oh yea, exasperated.
She tells us to stop talking. As if that will work. We keep talking!
She threatens a time out if we don’t stop repeating the same unintelligible phrase.
We keep talking! We know she’s bluffing with that time-out thing. You can’t give a kid a time out for talking.
Damn. We’re in time out.
We’re back! We keep repeating the same phrase.
On the 999,999 time, she finally realizes that we are NOT saying “Mom, you’re a bore” but rather, “Mom, where’s my dinosaur?”
She always finds the dinosaur. Really, she’s the best mom ever. I don’t know why we torture her. One of these days, we are totally going to thank her by letting her pee alone.