I adore summer. It’s the rock star of all the seasons. It’s warm. There is so much to do. If you’re hungry, you can eat greasy fries at the pool club. If you’re thirsty, you can buy a cup of lemonade for 25 cents (or 50 cents if you live on the ritzy side of town).
You can sip gin and tonics at sunset on the beach and gaze out at the gorgeous ocean. You get to wear flip flops. Everywhere. It’s completely awesome and brilliant.
Except for stupid sand.
Sand is so ridiculous and dumb. It sticks to everything. It’s itchy. It finds its way into every corner of your house. It burns your feet. It flies in your eyes. It ends up on your towel. It then ends up in your va-jay-jay and your kids’ nooks and crannies. Sand is just a crazy menace. Like Wiener, Schwarzenegger and Edwards combined. Yes, that bad.
So I’m thinking we can replace all that awful beach sand with something a little more user friendly like…
Pavement: Imagine the awesome roller blading and biking at the beach. You can ride right into the surf!! Downside: That blacktop shit is HOT.
Wood chips: Unlike sand, I’ve never found a wood chip in my lady parts. Downside: Have to travel with a tweezer to constantly remove splinters from everyone’s feet.
Grass: Imagine running around on soft thick grass at the beach. Downside: Mowing all that grass. Upside: We’ll make that cad bachelor Bentley do it all!!
Feathers: Soft and luxurious. Downside: It might look like a bunch of birds died on our beaches.
Throw Pillows: Nate Berkus can design all our shorelines. So comfy and gorgeous. Downside: Some might view this as a waste of money during a time when government budgets are a bit strained.
Candy Corns: We can enjoy an endless supply of delicious candy while lounging at the shore. Downside: I’ll be completely nauseous at the end of every beach day but still won’t stop eating the stuff.
Justin Bieber sickers: Where else can we put them all? Think of it as quality time at the beach with JB. Downside: It will inspire me to keep singing that same line over and over again,”Eenie Meenie Miney Mo Lova.” Don’t even pretend like you don’t know that song. You don’t?! Well, trust me, it’s insanely catchy.
Okay, I realize any of these options are going to take some time and might not be in place when I get to the Jersey shore this weekend.
So for now, there is sand.
Lots and lots of sand.
Note: This post was surprisingly inspired by Wendi’s hatred of summer and 100 degree days in Texas.