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These twins are really kicking my ass at night.

Every three hours… I change them, nurse them, give them a supplemental bottle (which they need), change them again, lose their pacifiers, find their pacifiers, swaddle them and get them back to sleep. Then I close my eyes for three seconds and it starts all over again.

The nights feel so long and overwhelming. It’s just me, the twins and the Kardashians.Β  Or if the Kardashians are unavailable, I watch movies like “The Hangover,” “Knocked Up” and “Reality Bites.” I think I’m still in love with Ethan Hawke circa 1994. The sex appeal of a cool, grungy guy with no job is just timeless.

Most of the time, I feel like I am in a total daze. Like just today, I locked Rick in the basement. There was an odd banging noise coming from down there and my first thought was, “The raccoons are seeking some kind of revenge for their fallen comrade” but then I realized it was just my husband.

“Honey, you locked me in the basement,” he said upon his release.

“Yeah, sorry. I forgot you were down there,” I explained.

“You literally saw me down there one minute ago.”

“Honey, I just gave birth to two children. I don’t have the energy to remember your whereabouts at all times. You’re lucky you didn’t spend the afternoon in the basement.”

Some people are so ungrateful.

And I’m not the only one who’s exhausted.

Rick attempted to put toothpaste on his face the other morning, in lieu of sun screen.

And when we ran into some friends in town, he introduced the twins as, “Chad and Harlowe.” He never even realized his mistake which means he’s super tired or maybe we did name our son Chad and I’m just out of the loop. I’m going to follow up on that. When I have the energy.

A lot of Rick’s family visited us this week. Here’s my favorite picture….

Rick’s grandmother with Chase.Β  Or Chad. We’re flexible.

48 Responses to the nights with newborns can make a girl sob

  • Joanna says:

    And here I thought I was strange for watching the Kardashians all last night when my 5 week old wouldn’t sleep. It’s night to know I’m not the only one who falls into sleep-deprivation induced reality television marathons.

  • Momcat says:

    You’ll certainly remember your son’s name in a little while when you are ‘chase-ing’ him around as a toddler!

  • Oh Kelcey, I am feeling for you, mama. I can’t tell you how many times i cried and thought “i’m not going to make it through this” in the wee hours. and i only had one baby and one toddler. many kisses and prayers for you.

    And Chad looks adorable. or whatever the heck his name is.

  • Susan says:

    I remember those nights with my twins. My goal every morning was to get dressed by 10 am and start my day.

  • Cherie says:

    Hey Kelcey – there is this fabulous job that some crazy people do – it’s called night nanny/nurse – even if you did it for 4 out of 7 nights – you could at least catch some consecutive hours of sleep – and therefore perhaps, and i say perhaps cause I can’t imagine how exhausted you are, you might not lock ur hubby in the basement. Great picture of Mommom with Chad…or is it Chase?

  • Your title clutched my heart strings. I would like to keep my reply light and witty but as I went through postpartum depression with my first child- newborns always make me think of those dark days- at first. And it wasn’t twins but it was round the clock nursing every 2 hours for 6 months. The time that was just supposed to be so “wonderful” was just NOT. And no one wants to talk about it. I had one friend who told me it was like boot camp hell. She was the only one and I was so thankful that I had an inkling that it could be so difficult. The fact that you are still writing and with humor is wonderful. Chad/Chase and Harlowe will eventually sleep and be more independant as you know. The Kardashians are a seductive waste of time!!

  • Mary says:

    Though I don’t have twins I have a 5 week old who is pretty demanding in the middle of the night as well! Thanks for blogging and making sure we don’t feel all alone out there at 4 in the morning! πŸ™‚

  • Chris says:

    You made me laugh! I’m so sorry about the fatigue. There’s truly nothing worse than severe sleep deprivation. I feel real anxiety remembering my own from years ago. Hang in there, Mama. You’re doing great. Those babies will be sleeping through the night before you know it… I hope! xx

  • Robyn says:

    I remember the sleep deprivation well and I didn’t have 2 newborns at once! I feel for you – I don’t know how you had the energy to bang out an awesome post.

    I love that picture – it’s so wonderful she can enjoy her great grandchildren.

  • Bitsy says:

    I wish I could come over and help you because I can never forget that desperate feeling I would get every night as “bedtime” approached. This phase is so tough but you will make it. I’m so impressed every time you put up a new awesome post. Hang in there!

  • Nikosha says:

    I just laughed so hard I cried. I love the part about “Chad”. You truly have a gift, whether you are sleeping or not, please keep up the great writing. Hilarious!!

  • Tracy says:

    You are my hero for taking care of four kids (including 2 newborn twins) and still taking time to blog and make me laugh!

  • Mary says:

    I am about 3 weeks away from baby #2 arriving and am terrified thinking about those sleepless nights! So sorry you are so wiped….hope those twins start sleeping for you soon! Oh…and I watched Reality Bites the other night as well…I’m still a little in love too!

  • ErinB says:

    You may be exhausted but I think if possible you are getting funnier? Or is that the sleepless insanity setting in? My heart goes out to you- I remember those endless nursing nights..and I only had one baby so I am can only imagine your level of fatigue! You are doing the most amazing job and those babies are so very lucky to have you and basement Rick :-} I know it seems like a bottomless hole now but this haze will get clearer! Hang in there. Love ya and so proud of you! xo

  • francine Kasen says:

    My reqirements for babysitters and night nannies was the same….if your last name is NOT “The Ripper” you qualified! Think about it! Love to all.

  • jean says:

    Reminds me of the story of the woman who put preparation H on her teeth instead of toothpaste…except I don’t think she had the ‘just given birth to two children’ excuse….You Are Amazing…<3

  • Momma Goose says:

    You slay me!! I’m impressed that you’re forming full sentences on that much sleep, never mind witty blog posts.

    I also can’t help but notice that our pen names are similar, although we spell “Mama/Momma” differently. That must be because, as separate bird species, we have differing dialects. Obviously.

    I love your blog!!!! πŸ™‚

  • shay says:

    You are making it all come back in glaring detail! And I only had one at a time! Keep it up – yikes. It can’t go on forever right?! Eventually they can find their own souther or something πŸ˜‰

  • kim says:

    I feel for a faction of your sleep deprived mind.. Twin?! I am wishing a good few hours of sleep soon….

    Beautiful Picture of Rick’s Grandmother and Chase aka Chad…..

    Hang in there Kelsey!

  • Diane says:

    Try Tropic Thunder for a different twist on late night tv. Tom Cruise is a real hoot. And don’t worry about the sleep – it will get better in a few years. πŸ™‚ The mantra in our house was ‘Sleep is overrated’ – I think we were too tired to even believe it for a while.

  • Inna says:

    Wow, that means she’s a great-grandmother. How awesome!
    And I hear toothpaste is just as good as sunscreen at protecting from UVB and UVA rays.

  • johanna says:

    i produced 2 non sleeping children. I missed the check off box for the sleep gene on my baby order. my 10mo old is just starting to sleep now and i’m just beat tired so I can’t imagine your tired eyes. BUT you’ve made it this far and every picture of one of your kids shows healthy, growing kids so you are doing awesome. Hang in there. I hear when they turn 25 and get married things will get easier!! ha πŸ™‚

  • red pen mama says:

    As much as I am looking forward to having this new baby (only one, thank heavens), I am not looking forward to the daze of exhaustion.

    As always, you are dealing with the situation with humor. Humor will get you through. And maybe Rick giving that supplemental bottle? πŸ˜‰

    Hang in there, mama. Your children are beautiful.

  • christy says:

    I hope they start sleeping longer for you soon. Can Rick help and give them bottles and change their diapers at night? I’m sure you’ve already thought of that though…big hug.

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    You must be feeding Harlowe more than you imagine. She’s gotten so big and looks much ‘older’ than Chase.

  • Courtney says:

    I second the night nurse suggestion. We were strongly considering it (actually interviewed one) to help us with the twins 2 nights a week, but then my mother-in-law offered to spend the night at our house a couple of nights a week so that hubby and I could take turns getting a little sleep. I highly recommend looking into the night nurse thing – you can probably get referrals by checking with a Moms of Multiples group in your area. On a side note, I highly recommend the poker tournaments on tv at 2:30AM – I became quite attached to them when the twins were first born.

  • you are so amazing. I haven’t written my blog in a week because I’m exhausted, and I’ve only got one two week old baby who is kicking my ass too at night. You are my shero. This post had me in tears it was so funny.

  • Erin says:

    You’re exhausted and your blog is still insanely funny! Sorry that some of it is at your husband’s expense. In my haze of sleep depravation after having baby #2 I told my 2 1/2 year old that he wasn’t allowed to have an apple until he finished his french fries. That’s right, no healthy food until you clean the crap off your plate!

  • MommyTime says:

    Oh, Mama, you have my sympathy. I am so sorry you are so tired, and I don’t have any way to help. But might I suggest adding a two-way knob on the basement door, just in case, so no one accidentally gets left down there all day?

  • This is just mean of me… but I’m so glad I don’t have infant twins right now. But I’m sorry you’re so tired. And that you keep losing your husband in the basement. Or locking him down there to make sure you don’t get another set of twins. I’m not sure what your motivation was.

  • Julie says:

    I just almost peed my pants. SO FUNNY!

    Loved my night nurse. Saved my sanity and I only had her for 3 nights.

    I feel for you. Hang in there.

  • E says:

    It really does pass. And I have sleep trained twins so I have seen your future and it much better rested. Hang in there, girl.

  • Arielle says:

    I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts. You’re quick-witted and direct. Very refreshing! PS To this day, my mother will list all my sisters names (when we were younger, the dogs names were often also included…) before landing on mine. Never a reflection of the love- just a busy momma’s (or in your case, dad’s) brain! thanks πŸ™‚

  • kt says:

    You can do it! You will not remember any of this after 6 mos anyway, so chronicling it through your blog is perfect–you’ll have a record of your daze! I remember crying and calling my husband at work when my twins were inconsolable—or maybe it was just being babies–whatever–it is hard…and it gets better…in different ways…and harder in others…but the love always stays the same–and I’m not just sayin’ that…;) let it be–let it flow–crying is ok…for everyone…;)

  • Ashley Y says:

    It doesn’t get better! My girls are 10 months and sleeping through the night like champs. (although I say that and I am responding to this post 2 weeks later)

  • Bridget says:

    As a momma of almost-two-year-old-twins, I found this hilarious. I’m starting to doubt it gets better. This is just plain exhausting.

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kelcey kintner