This weekend was sort of typical. You know, we went out to dinner on Saturday night and when we got back to our car, there were two guys hanging out outside a car right next to us.
It seemed a little odd because it was 11:30 at night in a dark abandoned parking lot. But I was like, hey, they are probably discussing their Stella & Dot business. I mean, the holiday line did just come out.
And then as we got into our car, you know the gold minivan with the big elementary school magnet on it but not the family decals on the back window because my god, those make me so crazy although I’m not sure why, we glanced into the car next to us.
And two people were having sex inside.
I can’t really figure out why – in this near empty parking lot – they were right next to us. Because frankly, if I was going to have sex in a vehicle with undarkened windows while my two friends loitered nearby, I probably wouldn’t park right next to someone else.
Of course, I don’t have a lot of sex in cars so maybe I don’t know the etiquette.
As soon as we got in our car, I immediately locked the doors. Because you know how often a couple having sex in a car, jumps out of it and then tries to hijack a minivan.
Actually, if someone tried to hijack my minivan, I would so let them have it. I’d be like, “Hey, just give me one second to grab my iPod and the orange plastic flute in the backseat because my 2-year-old son is obsessed with it and then the rest of this dream mobile is yours. If I was feeling extra nice, I’d let them know that despite the fact that we just pulled 3 DVD’s out of the DVD player, one still seems to be stuck in there. Oh and there are ring pops in the glove compartment if they’re hungry.
And if they had robbers’ remorse (which who wouldn’t after stealing a minivan with cheese nips grounded into the carpet), I’d tell them not to bother trying to return it by pressing “Home” on the GPS because I already programmed it with the address of the PTO President who’s desperately looking for more volunteers for the school fair so good luck getting away without committing to running the spin art room.
But you know what? That couple in the car (aka hooker and a guy who pays for hookers) never got out and hijacked us.
Maybe they were waiting for a car with a family sticker.
P.S. If you have a family sticker, please don’t be mad at me. Now that’s I’ve made fun of them, I predict that I have approximately 43 days until I get one myself.