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Oct
22
2012

This weekend was sort of typical. You know, we went out to dinner on Saturday night and when we got back to our car, there were two guys hanging out outside a car right next to us.

It seemed a little odd because it was 11:30 at night in a dark abandoned parking lot. But I was like, hey, they are probably discussing their Stella & Dot business. I mean, the holiday line did just come out.

And then as we got into our car, you know the gold minivan with the big elementary school magnet on it but not the family decals on the back window because my god, those make me so crazy although I’m not sure why, we glanced into the car next to us.

And two people were having sex inside.

Okay.

I can’t really figure out why – in this near empty parking lot – they were right next to us. Because frankly, if I was going to have sex in a vehicle with undarkened windows while my two friends loitered nearby, I probably wouldn’t park right next to someone else.

Of course, I don’t have a lot of sex in cars so maybe I don’t know the etiquette.

As soon as we got in our car, I immediately locked the doors. Because you know how often a couple having sex in a car, jumps out of it and then tries to hijack a minivan.

Actually, if someone tried to hijack my minivan, I would so let them have it. I’d be like, “Hey, just give me one second to grab my iPod and the orange plastic flute in the backseat because my 2-year-old son is obsessed with it and then the rest of this dream mobile is yours. If I was feeling extra nice, I’d let them know that despite the fact that we just pulled 3 DVD’s out of the DVD player, one still seems to be stuck in there. Oh and there are ring pops in the glove compartment if they’re hungry.

And if they had robbers’ remorse (which who wouldn’t after stealing a minivan with cheese nips grounded into the carpet), I’d tell them not to bother trying to return it by pressing “Home” on the GPS because I already programmed it with the address of the PTO President who’s desperately looking for more volunteers for the school fair so good luck getting away without committing to running the spin art room.

But you know what? That couple in the car (aka hooker and a guy who pays for hookers) never got out and hijacked us.

Maybe they were waiting for a car with a family sticker.

P.S. If you have a family sticker, please don’t be mad at me. Now that’s I’ve made fun of them, I predict that I have approximately 43 days until I get one myself.


26 Responses to the family sticker

  • neal says:

    I know how you feel about those stickers, but then again wouldn’t it have been nice if that other car had some sort of stick-person stickers on indicating what kind of activity goes on inside of it? I mean, not “nice,” exactly, but at least it’d give you a little heads-up.

  • I can NEVER FIGURE OUT why, in a huge parking lot, someone ALWAYS parks right next to my suv. And they of course, always come out the same time as us, and then get mad because i am buckling my children. But i have not run across hookers yet, so i shall count my lucky stars. We don’t have the family stickers yet, but i live in fear of the day when we get them. Because we WILL end up with them. We will.

  • Rachel says:

    I feel the same way about stickers. To get the minivan is a blow to one’s self-esteem, but to get the stickers, well, that’s a death unto itself. The only ones that I have seen that are even remotely “cool” (dare I use that word?) were Star Wars stickers: the dog was an AT-AT. And now I have revealed that I know what an AT-AT is, I have no cred left.

    They make me crazy too, for some indefinable reason.

  • bitsy says:

    Don’t get the stickers!! I hate them, too. Just like those awful Christmas letters some people insist on writing. The only way I’m getting those stickers is if they come out with the satire version. You know – dad is scratched off, mom is passed out drunk, Janie is rolling a toke, and Johnny is all tatted up. Oh and the dog is a ferret. Taking a dump.

  • Marinka says:

    One time we were stuck in traffic behind one of those stickers and my husband said that it was a Mormon family because the man had a lot of wives. I pointed out that they were CHILDREN and not wives and then he said that on Big Love, Roman married a really young girl so it was totally possible.

    Thank you for making me relive that terrible day in my marriage.

  • Laura says:

    Ok so the fam stickers, I can’t decide if I think they’re cute or I hate them. I did see one once that said “The A** Family” and put names under each of the characters: Kick, Fat, Kiss, Smart etc. So hilarious!

  • MelB says:

    We make fun of those stickers too (although I have many good friends who have them and love those people dearly)… but I admit, I have been tempted to get the Star Wars theme’d ones… just haven’t made the mental leap required to do so yet. LOL!!

  • You have just doomed yourself to getting one of those stickers, you know. And then get the one that says “My Honor Student is Smarter Than The People Having Sex In The Car Next To Us”.

  • e says:

    The only set of those nauseating stickers I’ve ever liked is one where members of the family were decapitated or missing limbs. At least that was funny. I don’t gross out easily but I gotta say there is something uber-gross about having sex in a car, in plain view, with two buddies waiting. I don’t even wanna know….

  • sara says:

    OMG – that sticker is TERRIBLE. The dad is playing golf and on his cell – the mom is what…..shopping?? in a tennis skirt?….. REALLY???!!!! are we in 1950? C’mon people.

  • luvmypeanut says:

    I actually got behind one the other day that had so many d@mn kids i was counting and then adding up the cost because at $4.95 a piece and this soccer mom apparently had a husband, 6 kids, 3 dogs and 2 cats, that shit adds up!

  • Mexmom says:

    I actually like them, but not in my car, I know I am weird, I don’t think I would want one, but I do enjoy seeing them in other cars.

  • Dorothy says:

    Had to comment. First, euww, get a room people.
    As for the stickers, my daughter has two kids and has always hated those stickers with a passion. Has a real phobia or something about them and is forever making disparing comments about them when we see them. So last week, what did I see on her car? Well, yes, the family, but the zombie family lol. Gross. My poor grandson is missing an arm. Blood everywhere. I have blocked out what they did with my granddaughter. Hahaha. The kids have a dog too but no zombie dog stickers were available. LOL my daughter’s favorite holiday has always been Halloween so this is quite fitting.
    Can’t wait to see what ends up on your window!

  • Heather says:

    Yes those stickers drive me insane!! I blogged about it and it is amazing the number of people that randomly happen upon my blog because they are searching for those stupid stickers for their own van. So many in fact that I almost feel bad that when they get to my blog I make such fun of them.

    Also, when I was a nanny the family I worked for got their mini-van stolen (the one I was in charge of driving) and I was so excited to have a rental CAR…or hopefully a nice SUV…for a while…but then they rented a mini-van…Fail :(

  • Thais says:

    Not that I’m going to get one…but where does one get one of these stickers? I feel like every other family in the entire United States (including Canada) has one, and I’ve never even seen them for sale.

  • Leigh Ann says:

    I thought you were going to get mugged. I’ve never been so glad to read about hooker sex in my life.

  • British American says:

    So I really like the family stickers! I actually got mine at a dollar store – which was even more exciting, as then it only cost $5 in total for my family, rather than $5 per person. I like them especially when my daughter is at school and I’m out with my 2 preschool boys and then you can tell I have another kid. Which is probably really lame to like that – but I totally do!
    And my kids like spotting them on other cars. The other day we parked next to a car that had the same style of stickers from the $ store – so we’re like “Hey, it’s us! Minus our daughter, plus a dog and with a different Mom!” Yeah, we are lame!


kelcey kintner


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