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I recently overhead the following conversation at a coffee shop between two 20-something girls. (In New York City, the tables are so close together, it takes absolutely no effort to overhear a conversation.)

“I took myself off all the social networks. Facebook, My Space, everything.”

“What?! Why?” her friend says, obviously horrified.

“Because of an ex-boyfriend.”

“Oh I see. A crazy ex-boyfriend is stalking you. ”

“Oh no. He’s normal. I was the crazy one. I would follow all his updates. Figure out who he was dating. Where they were going. It was bad. Those social networks were making me crazy.”

Honestly, I totally understand where this chick is coming from.

I think if I was single and dating and some douche bag loser guy broke up with me, I’d have my friends take awesome glam photos of me with hot guy models and then post them on Facebook so I looked insanely happy and carefree.

I mean, who wouldn’t take the time to do that?!

When you’re married, you really just scroll through your ex-boyfriends’ profiles from time to time, checking to make sure they’re still destitute, living unhappily without you. But for some reason, they always seem to be doing just fine.

Of course, if you want to go a notch lower, you can always check out your friend’s ex-boyfriends. I recently did some detective work for a girlfriend of mine because we got curious about this guy we both knew, who she dated in the 90s.

And this friend of mine is not on Facebook. That’s troubling all on its own. I don’t know why some people think they can ignore the siren song of those lost camp friends and long forgotten former co-workers. They will eventually recruit you to the cult of Facebook and demand a status update.

But my friend is still holding out and I wanted to help her in her time of desperate need.

So I found her ex on Facebook, friended him and reported back with pertinent information from his profile… like he’s single, employed, living in his parent’s garage, addicted to clove cigarettes and still madly in love with her.

Ok I might have added a little creative flourish.

I can definitely confirm that he’s single and employed. All that other stuff is just a hunch.

50 Responses to the facebook ex

  • Jessica says:

    Great Post!

    Facebook would have ruined me in my late teens and twenties… less secure about myself than I was in my 30s, I would have been a nervous wreck and would have surely gone crazy. It’s a terrible time (era) to be young and single. Because if you want to be crazy you really can’t. You can’t stalk and you can’t call to check up a bazillion times to see if He’s home or out with someone. Called ID ruined all that. Do you remember hanging out with your friends at a great big sleepover party in Middle School and prank calling your crush, or Sally’s crush, or Jenny’s crush… and the boy would pick up the phone and hear all these little teeny bopper girls laughing in unison? Those were the days… the good old days that our daughters will never get to experience…

  • kristen says:

    i wish i’d been sitting with you in a cafe yesterday…feh, so close and so far!!

    i only have one ex-boyfriend on facebook…well, two if you consider his friend that i dated briefly, but i’m not.  what’s strange is that all the ex-boyfriends friends who were complete jerks to me, are now my friend on facebook. i guess middle-age makes people nostalgic.

  • I was just thinking yesterday about how much I need to post a blog entry about Facebook.  Mainly because I have replaced every moment of online time that I might have blogged with Facebook time.  *sigh*  

    I’ve only “found” one or two exes on FB…. so far.   😉

  • Shani says:

    So far no ex-boyfriends on Facebook (I didn’t date much, though), thank goodness, because I would have to launch a minor investigation for the same reasons you listed above.  I come across a guy who I was good friends with in college, but I haven’t spoken to him since he awkwardly (and drunkenly) professed his love while his girlfriend (my good friend) was 10 feet away.  Ah, the good ol’ days of college drama.  Guess that’s why there are so many tv shows on the topic! Needless to say, I didn’t friend him! LOL. Have a great day!

  • What a crazy coincidence! All of my ex’s are currently single, living in their parents’ garages, addicted to clove cigarettes and madly in love with me.  Or at least that’s what my best friend told me.

  • Robyn says:

    I’m convinced that FB is going to be the downfall of American society. I don’t know how, but  something is going to happen. How else do you explain something so addictive and free???

  • christy says:

    If I was single and had an exboyfriend on FB, I would totally have my girlfriends take fab photos of me with hot firemen. That would show him!

  • Well we all know my drama with Facebook. My lesson for all, if you are going to blog about a loser, make sure you DON\\\’T put the URL to said blog as your status while keeping him as a Facebook friend. 

    I\\\’m so addicted though.  I think I need a FB intervention.

  • Jordana says:

    I am SOOOOOO happy I am not single anymore. I would absolutely be crazy with all this technology. Texting, cell phones, instantaneously uploading photos. God would there be a world of trouble.

  • tracey says:

    Ok, don’t tell my hubby, but I continuously check to see if my ex is on Facebook… WHY?!? Hopeful that he’s miserable? No, cuz I broke HIS heart. But curious… VERY curious…

  • Glad I read comments – because I was going to just reiterate a lot of what Jessica said. Sometimes I wonder how we survived the technology stone ages… I mean, in MY early 20s I didn’t even have a cell phone. Once when driving some friends to the Hamptons, my car ran out of gas (I know – the nerve) on Sunrise highway just after sunset. I had to walk through a field in the dark and climb a fence to get to house where I could make a phone call. True story.

    Forget about Facebook – I think my entire social network would have imploded from all of the unbridled “access.” These 20 somethings today are one step away from downloading their brains onto jump drives. They always tell you how important it is to back everything up…

    Okay – now I’M not even sure what I’m talking about.

  • lswain says:

    facebook was invented so you could peek into the lives of everyone you are curious about but dont want to talk to face to face or maintain relationships with. its brilliant and the biggest time suck of all time.  gotta go update my status…

  • Katie says:

    TOTALLY get it and so very glad the social networking sites didn’t exist during my dating years. I would have been a total psycho. Hell, I still remember being upset about that caller ID thing. Now they’d know I was the one calling and hanging up.

  • Pearl says:

    A girlfriend of mine in the NYC has been burned this exact way by facebook, myspace, and friendster (remember that one???)

    I mainly use facebook for important stuff like researching how many of the brandi’s from my high school are fat now. 

  • I think your friend and the rest of the productive world needs to stay far far away from Facebook.  I am married with three kids and I still cyberstalk my highschool boyfriend because we’re Facebook friends.  We don’t talk, but by God, I check on him biweekly to make sure he is still single and/or infested herpes (assumption based on the pic of current girlfriend).  Its a disease and an incurable addiction.  Thinking of moving on to crack to  break Facebook habit.

  • Lanie says:

    Just think of the things we had to resort to (I won’t give details, I promise)!  We (and a few of our exs) are very lucky that facebook was not around when we were in college (or high school or our 20’s. . .).  Great post!  🙂

  • Chris says:

    Addicted to clove cigarettes says it all!  I’ve found myself checking a certain someone’s page a little more *compulsively* than I care to admit.  Damn Facebook.

  • Cate says:

    THIS is why it’s more of us “oldies” (mid 30s…old? seriously?!) FBing it now: we’re ready to face reality.
    Those college kids can’t handle the truth!

    Okay, maybe I exaggerate.

  • anna see says:

    Facebook is sucking my brains out of my head. I’ll have the thought, “Why don’t I read a book,” and seconds later, I’ve logged onto Facebook for a little cyberstalking. I’m almost 40. Can’t imagine what it’s like for single 20-somethings!

  • Mrs4444 says:

    Love your sense of humor 🙂  My HS boyfriend is not on Facebook, and I’m good with that. We ran into a HS friend of my husband’s tonight, and it was comical how stuck in HS he still is. Pretty funny.

  • Cathy says:

    I can’t keep up with FB and blog, too.  Blogging is addicting enough that I’m on the computer more than I want to be. I can’t imagine trying to move on from a relationship when both parties are on FB–all those daily updates would get to you after a while.

  • courtney says:

    so I won’t stalk my ex’s, but I most certainly will help a girlfriend out and stalk their’s 🙂  honestly, their ex-bfs are way more interesting than mine will ever be!

  • I LOVE THIS POST.  I am laughing my head off.  I’m also thinking about all of us–who didn’t grow up with FB but are hooked–and what this will look like for our kids in 20 years…  Yikes.

  • Terra says:

    I have thought about that with my two girls growing up what a whole new spin it throws on bad breakup etc.  ARGH.  I am not ready.  I am not even on face book.

  • ella says:

    Even us old farts (40+) love FB.
    You should SEE my profile photos! All 10 years old, 20 lbs. ago. I look ah-may-zing.
    You can be as young and as thin as you like on FB. I love it.

  • Marya says:

    I worried about old boyfriends looking me up on FB but it hasn’t happened yet. I guess they’ve moved on 🙂 I am also too busy blogging to keep up with FB.

  • Mel says:

    If you think that is bad – try dating a man in his late 40’s for a year and a half.  Being very in love with him and adoring his kids and then he breaks up with you out of the blue!   Abruptly – over the phone, saying his kids are asking for 100% of his time, which means putting you and him on hold!

    Your heart is broken – but you hold your head high and don’t press him for the REAL reasons.

    A month later he posts photos of you and him, you along and you and his kids!  Then a few months later he adds your full name to the photos.  He claims that sooo many old friends were asking who you were – that he thought this would be easier.  Then jokes if you get a lot of calls from guys – you’ll know why, and he’s sorry!

    Ummmm take the pictures off – and no one will ask!   It’s continued to upset me.

    I think there should be Facebook police!

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kelcey kintner