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Don’t you miss those days when you had an endless amount of time to leisurely linger over each and every page of the New York Times? Er, uh, I mean the New York Post. The other day, I was skimming the Post because I don’t want to miss one sensationalized, over-dramatized, gossipy beat in this city and I saw this…

A brother and sister, touring a South African safari park, crossed paths with this six-ton elephant. I showed the photo to my daughter Dylan.

“Honey, look at this huge elephant. He’s resting his… um… He put his…” I point to the picture. “What’s that called?” I ask.

“Trunk,” My 3 1/2 year-old responds.

“Oh, yeah. Now why couldn’t I think of that? He’s resting his trunk on their car. Isn’t that funny?!”

I am hoping that my inability to think of the word “trunk” is a symptom of my 6:30 am wakeup calls, rather than the slow deterioration of my brain. But there is something just a tad unsettling about your toddler reminding you of the name of something you’ve known since your toddler days.

By the way, that duo, with the elephant, is totally fine. The ginormous animal just kind of hung out there for about 6 tense minutes and then wondered off into the brush.

But seriously, couldn’t they just drive away? How fast could an elephant possibly run? He weighs 6 tons for gosh sakes. But what do I know? I couldn’t even come up with the word “trunk” so I’m obviously no elephant savant.

I don’t know how to segue from elephants to really anything else in my life, so – head’s up – we’re done with elephants. I mean, for now. They could totally make a come back. I like to keep things spicy and unpredictable around here.

So yesterday, that THING happened.

You know, when a complete stranger or maybe someone you know walks right on up to you and says those lovely, touching words, “When are you expecting?”

Umm… expecting what exactly? A baby? Oh you see, really super funny story, I’M NOT PREGNANT. But heck, LOOKING pregnant is just as fun. Maybe I’ll kill the afternoon registering for some layette.

So let’s just all agree that unless you see a delivery table, no need to ask a woman when she’s due. If you actually see the delivery table and a woman is laying on it and she looks reasonably uncomfortable and there are a lot of people in white coats and scrubs, then go ahead and ask. If not, skip it.

Jeesh… Way to make a girl feel like an elephant. Oh, there you go. I told you those animals would pop up again.

mama bird notes

We have a guest contributing mama today! Diane LeBleu’s husband has a knack for getting in fender benders and this mama is getting fed up. Click here to read more.

Last chance to enter the mama’s survival kit giveaway! It includes decadent, organic homemade chocolates from nunu chocolates, organic coffee from Grounds for Change, and some eco friendly, fabulous wine from Parducci. To enter to win, just leave a comment this week on the mama bird diaries.

47 Responses to the elephant who loves volkswagens

  • Robin says:

    Just the other day, my own 4 year old daughter told me I looked like I had a baby in my belly. Thanks, babe. Nothin' like family to keep you feelin' good about yourself.

  • Jennifer H says:

    I've had that question a couple of times, and I have yet to come up with a great, witty answer. Like, "Oh, I'm not pregnant, I just ate a dozen Krispy Kremes about an hour ago."

    Seriously, unless there's a baby exiting the birth canal…don't ask, people!

    That elephant business is crazy. I thought the same thing: Why not just drive away?

    But, who was taking the photo? It seems like that person would be in a bit more danger than the car occupants? So many questions…

  • Erin says:

    I almost asked a women that very question today and then luckly I remembered that sage old advice. Don't! Whew, close call. Funny post (as usual) 🙂

  • Abby Siegel says:

    What's really funny is that right before I read this I was with my old camp friends (boys) and one of them said he was so stupid that he used to ask women how far along they were. Then I read this to him. Also, I have ridden an elephant before in Thailand and they are huge, but mostly harmless. The boy ones also have very large ding dongs.

  • Seriously?! There is no way you could have looked preg-o, I've seen the pictures. Aah, people. Whatever happened to hello to a complete stranger!

    Umm..and the comment above me-Abby with her camp friends, now I am feeling super jealous, no camp reunions, no camp friends. Poor me.

  • ErinB says:

    1. elephant on car- this is why i wont ever go on a safari

    2. mistaken as pregnant? oh welcome to my world….


  • Shannon says:

    Has happened to me…I don't know who felt worse – me for being asked or my friend for being so unaware/insensitive!

    "Elephant savant" – love that term!

  • Cat says:

    Although I am fond of my potbelly, that question was never more irritating as when it happened after my miscarriage, so trust me, it could be worse.

  • I almost asked someone that very questions this morning and BIT MY TONGUE because I've been asked that before- and I didn't so much appreciate it!!

    I can't imagine that you, oh lovely one, even come close to looking pregnant. Seriously.

  • Robyn says:

    OMG! I hope you made them feel REALLY uncomfortable and didn't just laugh it off. 7 months AFTER Bear was born, 2 people in a 2 week period asked me when I was due — and I was wearing a size 4!!!

  • Aimee says:

    Holy crap I feel your pain!

    This just happened to me recently at a local super market! The bagger said something like my 2 yr old is acting up since a sibling in on the way! I was like WHAT MY HUSBAND MADE A BABY WITH ANOTHER WOMEN?! LOL

    The thing is no matter how much baby wieght you lose after baby..there is a muffin top…and sadly all moms everywhere seem to get the question! A friend of mine that weighs LESS then she did before having a baby was just asked! I have since learned…never ask..even if there is a head poking out of there! Just don't ask!

  • Kelsey Kleiman says:

    I have been asked this question many times: before I was ever pregnant, in the months after I had a child, in the years after I had a child and after a miscarriage. I'm usually torn between saying "go f*#$ yourself" and "no, but I look it." So, I seethe a bit while simultaneously hoping that the person learned their lesson and doesn't beat themself up over it all day. I only wish that somebody would have asked when I was hugely pregnant and wanted to sit down on the subway. I took the subway every day, twice a day during my entire pregnancy and was offered a seat once!

  • Bitsy says:

    1. I don't see how that could possibly happen to you, I've seen pictures of you, you don't look like you've ever been pregnant.

    2. wa, take a little closer look at that elephant, that ain't no Mrs.

    3. I once had the exact opposite thing happen to me. I was about 10 months pregnant and HUGE and this man who knew me asked me if I had had the baby yet. I just stared at him waiting for him to laugh but he didn't, he was serious!

  • Kelsey Johnson says:

    My car looks like it got trunked! I got t-boned earlier this week- does that count for a much needed survival kit?

  • Queen Goob says:

    Guys…..that elephant isn't a girl, he's got two trunks!

    And that lady that asked when you were due? Yeah, that one. Is she still in the land of the living?

  • Becky says:

    Honey, if you are an elephant I am a … um… I am a… I'm a DINOSAUER!

    and p.s. I forget, oh god, what are those called… I forget… I forget… WORDS! Yes that's it! I forget WORDS all the time. 🙂

  • Gabriella's Mom says:

    I like Elephants and that is one impressive trunk. When I started reading this blog I thought it was getting dirty…so I kept reading, glad I did! So funny. The preggie comment goes well with contributing mambird Jordana's POF (Pregnant or Fat) PS: I need that Mama's Survival Kit!

  • Francine Kasen says:

    Hey Kelc, I have never told anyone about the few times the preggo question was asked me….once by a gas station attendant and I was sitting behind the wheel of my car !!. It is sooo hurtful and embarrassing that I still remember them vividly.(and my baby turned 24 yesterday) I must say, I am extremely comforted by all you lovely young things sharing this same story. Let's come up with the ULTIMATE RESPONSE and make it as famous as "yada yada yada", or "not that there's anything wrong with that". Come on girls…. think!!!

  • Mary Alice says:

    Ohhh. I am so sorry. See, this happened to my little tiny sliver of a friend the other day at the super market too. She was wearing one of the loose tops that are so popular now. Afterwards I said the same thing…."unless you actually can see the baby head crowning…one should never say ANYTHING."

  • mp says:

    See..it's the darn babydoll tops that gets everyone confused. I can never look stylish because I look Fatter.. But you are a twig. WTF? Did you slap her?

    Personally I like the Gorilla / Suitcase commercials.

  • Jeanelle says:

    I've decided that when someone makes that horribly socially unaware mistake, it says a lot more about their manners and overall etiquette than it does about the way we actually look.

    I totally agree, I completely ignored someone at work for a few months because I didn't know how to talk to them without offending them for NOT asking about their potential pregnancy or offending them FOR asking about their potential pregnancy…she did turn out to be pregnant.

  • holli says:

    okay, I tried to comment from my phone and it wouldn't go through.. I can't believe all that keypad typing and BOOM – error message. GAAAAH!! That's what I get for being lazy.

    You are such a hoot and I think you tied the two stories together beautifully.. plus, you made me crack up. You must have been wearing something crazy, because I've had the pleasure of being in your presence and I specifically told you how very lovely I think you are. Of course that goes beyond looks, but screw that fweak! I have degree to teach English and my grasp of the language is slipping at a frightening rate. I blame it on everyone else.

  • Portia says:

    LOL…you mamas have filthy minds! I had to go back and look at the picture again to find his '2nd trunk/5th leg'. LMAO!!

  • Mama Bee says:

    Even if I *know* that a friend is pregnant, unless I see a hand waving at me from her baby hole, I won't even touch the topic! The cost of being wrong is just not worth the "congratulations!" 🙂

  • Kristin says:

    Hmmmm – chocolate, coffee, wine – what else could a girl want? I'm glad the elephant was only resting his trunk on the car, and not his ….. tail. Now, what did you think I was going to say?!

  • Okay, talk about "unsettling," that fifth leg did it for me! Sorry for the dirty mind…

    While I have never asked that stupid question, I have asked another. I said, "You must be due ANY DAY to a poor, 7-months pregnant woman. Of course, I had no experience of my own in that dept (Idiot that I was), and I have never said anything like it since.

  • Damselfly says:

    Someone did NOT ask when you're expecting! I had a college friend on her way to getting her hair cut who did that to the stylist. The stylist was NOT happy. My friend decided that was not a good day for a haircut…

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kelcey kintner