Dear Eddie, my Starbucks barista,

I knew I had to write soon. You know, before you filled out a missing persons report. I just want you know that a part of me will always love you. I mean, your coffee. But the caffeine just wasn’t working for me. It was making me shaky and a little nauseous. As you know, I tried decaffeinated coffee for a few days but the idea of spending nearly four dollars a day on decaf also makes me shaky and nauseous.

With love, Kelcey

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Dearest Kelcey,

My heart is breaking. Of course, I’m quite relieved to know that you are safe. Each day you were noticeably absent, I grew more and more worried. I beg you to come back. I still mumble your order… half caf grande soy no foam latte… in my sleep. And that’s when I can sleep. My life is empty without your daily order. Please reconsider your decision.

Love you more than all the coffee beans, Eddie

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Dear Eddie, my Starbucks barista,

I know you’re in pain. But think of all those other regular customers. The way they line up to see you every day. You will soon forget me. I promise.

With love, Kelcey

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My dearest Kelcey,

Maybe you didn’t see our new Valentine’s Day cup that we debuted this year. It was whimsical, flirty and romantic. There are more specialty cups coming. St Patrick’s Day will knock your socks off.

Love you more than all those green stopper things that keep your coffee from spilling and burning your delicate hands, Eddie

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Dear Eddie, my Starbucks barista,

Listen, you’re not losing me forever. I promise to stop in from time to time for one of those egg white turkey bacon breakfast sandwiches. Because that is some sweet godly goodness on an english muffin my friend.

With love, Kelcey

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Dearest Kelcey,

Is this because we overcharged you for soy milk for months and months and then finally got around to mentioning that if you got a Starbucks gold card, the soy milk would be free?

Love you more than all the Starbucks cups that fill our landfills, Eddie.

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Dear Eddie, my Starbucks barista,

It is true that it took me a good long time to get over my bitterness stemming from your soy milk deceit. But this is really about how caffeine can make me feel like a crack addict in withdrawal. And because I was starting to worry that when my kids asked me why there was no money for college, I’d have to drive them by the local Starbucks to show them my “investment.”

With love, Kelcey

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Dearest Kelcey,

But your children can work as Starbucks baristas while putting themselves through college!

Love you more than all the hours that guy Al spends on his laptop without ever ordering anything, Eddie

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Dear Eddie, my Starbucks barista

It’s over. Please stop blasting, “Don’t You Forget About Me” from behind the counter.  It’s embarrassing.

With love, Kelcey

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Dearest Kelcey,

You’ll be back.

Love you more than all the really gross Starbucks bathrooms, Eddie

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Dear Eddie, my Starbucks barista,

Yeah, probably.

With love, Kelcey