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Remember how we thought we had sold our apartment when our buyer suddenly headed off to Central America on a vacation and apparently is still lost in the jungle and surviving solely on bananas and berries because we never heard from him again?

Well, we found another buyer. One without immediate international travel plans. Nothing is signed yet so please please please don’t even consider offering us even one smidge of congratulations. Not a mazel tov. Not even a thumbs up. Seriously, put your thumb down. Why are you trying to curse me?!

And now I’m sort of FREAKING.

Because what the hell do I know about living in the suburbs? Sure, I grew up in the suburbs but you know, I was like 11. That was 4 billion years ago.

I mean, what if no one likes me. For instance, I drop off  Summer at this class twice a week here in the West Village and it’s basically nanny central except for two other moms who can barely say hello to me because apparently they have so much riveting material to discuss with each other. They practically skip off to coffee hand and hand and I sort of look down at my Blackberry like I have something VERY important going on but really, I’m just wondering why they are so unfriendly.

So what if ALL the moms in Westchester are like that?

Also, my one Westchester friend told me that in her town everyone wears exercise pants 24/7… like they are headed to the gym or just went to the gym or might someday go to the gym. And she, an ex-NYC girl, finally broke down and started wearing exercise pants too.

So, of course, I’m now imagining the rest of my life in exercise pants and frankly, I don’t think I own enough.

And not only do I need to order some Lululemon like immediately but I also have to start reading books because I think book clubs are the key to making new smart, funny, fabulous friends.

But reading could seriously take my focus off “Gossip Girl”, “90210” and other teen dramas that need my undivided attention (not to mention all the Zac Efron TV appearances lately) so maybe I should find a TV club where I could make so-so smart, funny, fabulous friends.

And I think I’m going to need a suburb transition support group.

Because obviously, I’m prone to nervous breakdowns over exercise pants.

mama bird notes:

Have you seen Contributing Mama Daphne Biener’s piece on high fructose corn syrup? YOU MUST. It’s scary but incredible information. Click here to read more.

Are you going to Blogher ‘09 in Chicago this summer? Jessica, Wendi, Christy, Anna and I need more votes for our proposed panel on humor, “Dying is Easy, Comedy is Hard.”

If you’re interested, please sign up. Seriously, help us gals out. Click here and tell BlogHer that you want to hear our fabulous insights on humor writing. Oh, and then shoot me an email with your fabulous insights on humor writing so I have something to talk about.

Finally, a thank you to Lainie of My Baby Blog for saying such sweet things about me. I am very humbled.

64 Responses to suburbs anonymous

  • OHmommy says:

    Heh.  I have not given into the Lululemon craze.  I guess that is why I still am always looking down at my BB at preschool drop off in the suburbs.  Heh, you might have a point.  I might need to get some yoga pants tomorrow.  😉

  • Kirsten says:

    We’ve been in the suburbs for almost three years and I still feel a little bit like a fish out of water.  And I even wear exercise pants almost every day.  But then I drive to the grocery store and park right in front.  Then I drive home and I don’t have to carry my groceries up any staircases and I feel a little bit better.

    I will gladly join your support group though.

  • amy says:

    omg, we live on the outer neighborhood of seattle and it totally felt like suburbia when we first moved there and now…  it feels sort of urban. that’s how uncool i’ve become since moving here. and also, i wear exercise pants when i carpool the kids to school. sigh…

    on the other hand, the kids are happy and have room to run and ride their bikes?

  • stoneskin says:

    If you said “exercise pants” over hear we would grin because to us pants=underwear.  I think our equivalent is “joggers”.  Maybe I should start wearing them more.
    Hope the house buyer works out.

  • Abby Siegel says:

    Oh Kelcey-so many thoughts that maybe I shouldn’t post on a blog but you asked…
    1. I am a Lululemon worshipper. Who got me into it? MY MOM! It’s Canadian, my dad works in Toronto, we’re all into it. I love Lululemon, and thankfully can wear it 24/7 cuz I work at home.
    2. I won’t wish you good luck because you moving to the burbs=you leaving me in the city. Yes, I’m making it about me. I’ll miss you-and you know I’ll come visit-but I beg you, don’t leave me!
    3. How could the mommies at the current school NOT like you? better yet, why have you not asked me to come with you for drop off, then coffee, or better yet mimosas? Honey, call me!

    I love you, you’ll be fine. But I’ll miss you more than I can say in a blog. And if you don’t come visit me in NYC I will hurt you (gently). xoxoxoxo

  • kathy says:

    Okay three of my sisters live in the “burbs” granted it’s NJ so maybe it is different cause it is Jersey and enough said! There you have to play tennis that is a must, coffee drinker and Alcohol another must . Sorry one out of the 3 wear exercise clothes damn your screwed! I think you will be thge “It” girl! And trusted me my sisters live for GG and all the all shows.

  • Jessica Ryan says:

    I am howling, seriously howling over here!
    Not too many moms wear yoga pants here, but we’re in CT and so that’s really another story, isn’t it. You’ll do just fine in the burbs. I did OK transitioning to a town filled with mostly cows and horses. Yes, we bought a John Deere and yes, I’ve driven it… in heels!!!

  • christy says:

    I’m in the burbs sitting at the computer in velour pants and super comfy. I’m so out of it I’ve never even heard of luluemon! I’ve just joined a moms group – MOMS International and have met some right bitches, and some very nice down to earth women…you should look them up in your town!

  • Bitsy says:

    Don’t wear the exercise pants!!! Except to exercise. And don’t ever go out with exercise pants and your visor. Never. But, I love the idea of a t.v. club. Who really reads the books in those book clubs? And they never choose the books I like anyway. Dare to be different, Kelcey!

  • Aimee says:

    I totally feel your pain! What a massive adjustment NYC to the burbs was–not only to me as a person–but to my big ol’ butt because I was no longer walking everywhere and now driving everywhere. It is hard to also submurge yourself if a new town, and start Mom dating all over again! You will do fine, and I am sure if you have to wear gym pants that your butt won’t grow either! (I am sure they wear them for motivation!)

  • Cathy says:

    I remember freaking out when I moved back to the suburbs, too. One of my bosses acted like I moved to the moon. You’ll be fine, and sweat pants are optional.

  • I’ll talk you through it, babe.  And remember, you have to wear colorful clothes now.  I still remember the time our whole family trekked up to my cousin’s Upper West Side apartment for my uncle’s 80th birthday party.  We were the only people there not wearing black/denim.  We looked as though we had just popped in from the circus.

  • Oh, and there are fewer nannies.  That’s a good thing.  I never could understand what middle-aged woman in her right mind would allow a nubile young thing into her home to care for her children and make her look bad by comparison.

  • Chris says:

    I’ll send you a warm buzz regarding the potential sale of your apartment – nothing more, nothing less.

    You’ll do fine in the burbs.  My hunch is you’ll be very poopular!

  • feener says:

    wow there girl….i do wear exercise pants but that is b/c I am heading to the gym and then i don’t shower and stay in the exercise pants. not showering lends more time with kids and errand running. so exercise pants = Healthy, nothing wrong with that. as for a book club, you must have DVR or TIVO which means you have plenty of time to watch ALL your shows and read the book, trust me i know b/c i love me my TV shows and won’t miss anything for anyone. but i still get the books read. it ain’t so bad, you will do fine. 

  • francine Kasen says:

    You will be meeting lots of  new friends through your kids! Face it, Dylan and Summer are your new social secs. And a little piece of advice I learned first hand…if there’s a kid in their class that they come home complaining about (she pushed me….she took my snack…or whatever) RESIST the mama Lion urge to call their mom and chew her a new one. That kid, and their mom may very well end up to be your best friends in the future!!! You will learn to balance being your kids’ protector, and NOT being the lunatic Mom. BTW. If my tight button jeans fit me, I’d be living in them instead of  these freakin’ elastic waist things! 

  • Ugh.  The ‘burbs can be a tough nut to crack.  My advice?  Take a reeeeaaaal good look at the people wandering around the towns you consider before you buy (even stalk the assigned school at pick up time to peek b/c those are your future peers!)  I wish I’d paid more attention. I’d still have chosed Stepford (groan) but I’d have picked a different school district. . .
    Other advice?  Just keep being you.  Someday you’ll find like minded people 🙂

  • Ann's Rants says:

    We made the move “back home” a few years ago. Prepare for lawn mowers–all day and all night. Of course most people find that noise less intrusive than fire engines or the El, but we we’re used to those noises.

    Those mommies are missing out big time. I wish I could have you over to watch Seth Rogan movies and pee our pants.

  • kristen says:

    dude, i wish all the stereo-types you’ve listed here weren’t true, but it did make me smile (a lot) how spot-on you are, heehee.

    for the record, the only time i’m wearing my workout gear is when i actually am going to the gym.

     i wish you’d move to my suburban oasis and we could walk off hand in hand in our JEANS.

  • jean says:

    You’re lucky…in my neck of the woods, some women wear their pajama pants to the grocery store!
    So, when we moved from Brooklyn, NY back to Ann Arbor, MI (my hometown)  I met my best friend (whose daughter was the same age as my youngest) who happened to previously live in Cobble Hill–one neighborhood over from our former Boerum Hill residence.  So, you know, expect surprises…hopefully good ones 🙂

  • Shannon says:

    I’m writing this as I wear my exercise pants. Don’t be scared of the suburbs, we are friendly people here 🙂 Westchester moms will even talk to you at the park. If I run into you I promise to say hi! ps. i watch 90210 too…even the original show when i can catch reruns.

  • Ashley says:

    Although, I have absolutely no experience with the NYC transition to Westchester, I have moved every 2 years from such ecletic locales as Louisville, KY, Miami, FL, and now Atlanta, GA. Hold off on the excercise pants, maybe pick up Twilight, it’s like GG, but with vampires, horribly addictive! It’s a fav among moms everywhere. Moving and finding new friends is hard, but not impossible. I traded trolling for men in bars to trolling for stay at home moms in parks! Good luck!

  • Katie says:

    No, no, no…you must avoid the exercise pants. The mom’s you’ll relate to will be in jeans. I promise, I’m in CA but suburbs are suburbs.
    You just don’t see as many of us because we’re home drinking wine, watching trashy reality shows…but we exist. And we are much more fun.

  • turnitupmom says:

    I am totally cracking up right now as I sit in on my couch in a Northern Jersey suburb wearing dance pants! But I don’t wear them every day….promise. I’m happy to be a part of your support group! It’s no so bad here in the burbs 🙂

  • MN Mama says:

    I have a sneaking suspicion you will do absolutely fine whereever you are.  You are a wonderful friend and an amazing woman.  Be yourself and care for others as you already do!  You will have more friends than you know what than dates on your calendar.  Hang in there!  Change stretches you and you learn more about yourself.  It can be fun. 

  • MN Mama says:

    I have a sneaking suspicion you will do absolutely fine wherever you are.  You are a great friend and an amazing woman.  Be yourself and loev others.  You will have friends before you know it.  Hang in there.  Change is not easy but it will stretch you.  I agree with many of the others….. I live in the burbs and I live in jeans unless going to the gym or running errands on the way home from the gym.  Hang in there!

  • Becky says:

    have you MET you!??! You’ll do great! How can people not love you? I haven’t even met you in person and I could eat you up. 

    As for Blogher… don’t EVEN talk to me about it.  Yeah, totally missed out on stupid tickets that no one told me I had to buy in 2005!?!?  Ugh…

  • Oh no….not you too, you haven’t been sucked into the cult of Lululemon have you?  I’m trying to my hardest to abstain but every time I turn around someone else is tweeting, facebooking or blogging about it.  Whatever shall I do?

    And if you think the NYC ‘burbs are bad, try a  Portland Maine ‘burb.  My reusable grocery bags are not organic hemp and I don’t drive a Subaru Forrester.  But I’m surviving.  Oh and living in Maine, and not liking lobster, doesn’t exactly help my case either.  Just sayin’!

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    Don’t fret.  When you turn 60, you get to wear running shoes with Every Outfit – All The Time – .  Enjoy the burbs; start some new trends; like dressing like your girls do.  Princess dresses, glitter and pajamas in public. 

  • merlotmom says:

    Very funny!  Yes, having been an NYC girl and now living in suburbia, I’m afraid your friend is right.  We DO all wear exercise pants and many of us don’t get to the gym.  It might take a bit to get used to the slower, more homogenous, environs, but the suburbs have their advantages as well.  Don’t ask me what they are right now, i”m on my way to the gym (not really, but I’m wearing sweats so…)

  • shay says:

    I moved from a small town too the city, to the ‘burbs, to the country and I now LIVE in my Lulu’s.  Help!  I think I might need some sort of intervention.  BUT they’re so comfy and warm.  Someone did ask me the other day if I owned jeans….
    Sad but true:(

  • MommyTime says:

    I can’t make any promises about Westchester, but I can tell you that around here, there are some mean suburbs mamas, and some skinny exercise pants mamas (typically the same group), but there are also lots of other really good mamas to hang out with. Who (like me) have never even heard of Lululemon. I promise.

  • I resisted the Juicy Couture velour track suit craze and I can resist Lululemon too, even though everybody is talking about it and they really do have cute but comfortable looking styles that might, just might de-emphasize my ample butt with properly placed lycra.


    You almost got me, Lululemon. You almost got me.

  • Oz says:

    How could anyone NOT want to be your friend?   

    I wear exercise pants all the time now.  I tell myself that a tunic makes yoga pants appropriate for anything from a meeting to actually doing yoga.  Then again, I’m pregnant.  Maybe all the mamas in Westchester are expecting or something. 

  • I will admit to living in the suburbs, driving a minivan, and watching late night TV.  I will not, however, be caught wearing yoga pants unless I am actually doing yoga.  We all make our choices.  As long as they serve wine, you’ll get along just fine.

  • ella says:

    If I wore exercise pants (here in my hamlet we call them Yoga pants), i would probably be arrested or secretly filmed for one of those “Oh NO! She did not wear that out of the house” reality shows.
    Keep your pants on and enjoy life in CT.

  • I think the TV Club sound great! I’m suggesting it to my neighborhood moms group pronto.

    I grew up in the city and only became a suburbs gal in my 30s. It’s not so bad – but I also live in a really nice neighborhood. And by “nice” I mean people are friendly. I don’t know about the wealthy suburb moms… From what I’ve heard, the workout pants with diamond studs crowd is pretty cut throat.

  • Terra says:

    I am a suburban mom – I live in jeans, I hate excersize, I can’t stand book clubs and bunko or whatever it is called – if socialization for my kids wasn’t so important I would buy a shack in the woods and live happily ever after…I think you will be JUST fine in the suburbs and might even find yourself Queen Bee rather quickly  –  if that suits you – but I see you and your twinkle toed daughters loving all it has to offer and being AOK with it!

  • Jaclyn Locke says:

    I bet after just a couple days you will love suburbia….how could you not if you get to wear lululemon everyday? I wear lululemon just about everyday and I think I have gone to the gym 3 times this year. But thats between me and you!

  • WTH is Lululemon? Lulu lemon? am I totally off base? Yah, we South Texans don’t rock that stuff 😉

    You make me laugh. I will be at BlogHer and if you’re speakin’ I’ll be in the room listening. Can’t wait to meet!

  • Elisa says:

    Oh, don’t worry!! You will find stuff to do. First of all, if you move soon we can hang out all the time and find stuff to do together, so neither of us feels like a loser going in alone 😉

    Second, you are charming and funny, there’s no way you won’t make friends easily. If nothing else, rely on Twitter! Lots of Westchester moms on Twitter 🙂

  • Rebecca S. says:

    Loved this post. I try to “step it up” as much as possible when it comes to looking fashionable in my Boston suburb, but stepping it up around here is fairly simple to do. Still, I find myself wearing exercise clothes b/c I work from home and I am often about to exercise or thinking about exercise. (Usually the latter). Anyway, I have a new solution for the summer: tennis outfits. No, I don’t know how to play, I don’t belong to a country club, but I just think they are cute. When you move to the burbs do what my friend does- be brave and invite a bunch of mom/kid combos to your house for happy hour. Wine and goldfish will help everyone make friends faster.

kelcey kintner