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Visit a mattress store. Lie down. Wonder if you have to take off your shoes. Wonder if lice is on the pillows. Wonder if they could turn down the lights because man are you tired.

Lie on every mattress in the store. Get more and more confused about which ones you like. Decide to only lie on the ones that are on sale.

Listen to the sales associates talk about the differences between pillowtop cushion firm, luxury firm pillowtop, tight top plush and tight top cushion firm.

Wonder how many squats you’d have to do to get an ass that is tight top cushion firm.

Leave store with zero clarity.

Come back and try out one kid on a bed.

mattress - cash

Come back and try out three kids on a bed.

mattress - 3 kids revised

Come back and try out five kids on a bed.

mattress - all five kids

Listen to the sales associate scold your children for jumping on beds.

Exit store with zero clarity and sapped of all energy.

A week later, return to store after downing a caffe latte, a green tea banana smoothie and a shot of Red Bull.

Pick a mattress. Insist that it has the perfect combination of firmness, comfort and bounce. Know in your heart that you did meeny, miny, moe.

Mattress arrives! Yahoo! Lie down. It feels good!

Wait, you hate it.

It’s too soft and too hard. It feels like a cushion roller coster. Your body is sagging. The mattress is swallowing you up like quicksand. You are going to die from pillowtop smothering. What is the return policy on these things?! Are they even returnable? Why did you not ask that before purchasing?!

You can exchange (with some fees!!)

But you can have 60 days to obsess over it before you return it.

Obsess over it for 60 days. Maybe it is comfortable and you don’t realize it. Your back hurts. Is it the mattress? Your tailbone hurts. Is it the mattress? Your finger hurts. Is it the mattress? Oh no, that’s a paper cut.

You decide to return it. Explain to sales associate on phone that you may have gotten a paper cut from the mattress. Ask her to waive fees. She does not.

Head back to store to try out all the mattresses.

Make promise that once this is over, you will never buy a mattress again. When your mattress gets old, you will simply ask a dear friend to arrange a covert operation in which your mattress is switched out without your knowledge and an identical one is put in its place.

19 Responses to steps to buying a mattress (this will not help you buy a mattress)

  • LOL. We went for a Cloud 9 (I have no idea if you have that there, but it’s a mattress with various foam densities and it must be turned every 2 months. It is the most comfortable mattress I’ve ever had (except for the two weeks it took to ‘wear in’ where my back hurt like hell). I will NEVER have a sprung/ coil mattress again.

  • Franny says:

    Oh no Kelc! I could have saved u so much aggravation if only I knew u were going mattress shopping! I actually re- decorated our guest room just to accommodate mistake # 2! We now sleep on mistake # 3. The policy was that u have 60 days to exchange it…..BUT ONLY ONCE! So we bought # 1 and started our Goldilocks syndrome. Too puffy and high and pillow-y. I needed a running start to get on it. Returned it for less puffy but still soft ( the salesman said that since we are ” up there in age” we need softness for our increasingly brittle bones). That soft piece of crap is in our newly painted, carpeted, linnened,fanned and lighted guest room. ( # 2 is NOT returnable). here I lie on # 3, all alone, because it is still too soft for David’s taste. At midnight, he sneaks into our son’s empty room to sleep on that 31 year old twin size bed that’s JUST RIGHT. And I dream of that one in a cheap hotel in Va. that was so perfect I wanted to jam it into my duffle and shuffle off to Cherry Hill with it! As far as I’m concerned, mattress shopping is worse than bathing suit shopping!! PS, the kids look great!!

  • Ann says:

    Memory foam = soooo awesome when you lie on it in the store. = melt into the earth due to synthetic heat problem and whenever you try to sit on said mattress and your butt disappears below your knees.

  • Susan Kintner says:

    Fabulous! Especially the kids! As I was in the market for a mattress, I will not bother to search and just love what I have. The dogs would love a free tryout but I have a hunch the store would not be enamored! Mom

  • Jeneen says:

    I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who immediately hates a mattress after purchasing it. We ended up with a sleep number, it makes me feel better that i can constantly adjust the firmness/softness and also my husband likes a way softer bed than I do.

  • daphne says:

    We had same experience (minus the 5 kids) and were told if we didn’t like it could be returned. I called after night 1 and was told that I didn’t try hard enough, and to get back in there and sleep some more. Pretty sure we ended up keeping it only to avoid returning to mattress store…

  • Princess Judy says:

    I fell in love with a pillow at the mattress store once. It was lovely. It was divine. It was $200. For a pillow? That thing better do dishes and dust while I’m at work.

    We have a really expensive sleep number bed. I’d trade it in a heartbeat for the rock hard futon I had in my youth. It was very low to the floor and I often slept on the edge with my leg resting on the floor. It was the perfect position for my bum hip.

  • Sarah says:

    I got an email from Groupon that had a mattress on it. I bought it. They delivered it and set it up for us. It was magical.

    I highly recommend making rash decisions when it comes to large purchases. There’s no way it could ever end poorly!

  • Kim W. says:

    We rented a big house with our family for Thanksgiving and we had the most amazing mattress ever. I completely unmade the bed so I could find the label. I photographed the label.

    When I got back home, I looked up the type of mattress. It was made in 2003.

    They just don’t make them like they used to.

  • You totally pegged this one. When I was pregnant w/ Jack we moved from Full to Queen. One of our biggest marital argument ensued b/c Tim wanted pillowtop and I didn’t. Return. Exchange. 2 yrs ago I decided to move to a King and Tim refused to go with me. He would not even discuss the “M” word with me. I ended up doing the try, try, freak out about lice, order, return, order again thing. I kind of, sort of, maybe like the one we ended up with. At least Tim is way on the other side of the bed now.

  • judie says:

    I got a tempurpedic. Two years went by before I decided I didn’t like it. I wonder if that is the mattress, or me? Hmmm, wonder if that salesman is still there. He was cute. πŸ˜‰

  • Melissa says:

    This is hysterical. I love the part about obsessing over the mattress and wonder if it is causing every real or imagined ache and pain. Glad to know I am not the only crazy one.

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kelcey kintner