Visit a mattress store. Lie down. Wonder if you have to take off your shoes. Wonder if lice is on the pillows. Wonder if they could turn down the lights because man are you tired.
Lie on every mattress in the store. Get more and more confused about which ones you like. Decide to only lie on the ones that are on sale.
Listen to the sales associates talk about the differences between pillowtop cushion firm, luxury firm pillowtop, tight top plush and tight top cushion firm.
Wonder how many squats you’d have to do to get an ass that is tight top cushion firm.
Leave store with zero clarity.
Come back and try out one kid on a bed.
Come back and try out three kids on a bed.
Come back and try out five kids on a bed.
Listen to the sales associate scold your children for jumping on beds.
Exit store with zero clarity and sapped of all energy.
A week later, return to store after downing a caffe latte, a green tea banana smoothie and a shot of Red Bull.
Pick a mattress. Insist that it has the perfect combination of firmness, comfort and bounce. Know in your heart that you did meeny, miny, moe.
Mattress arrives! Yahoo! Lie down. It feels good!
Wait, you hate it.
It’s too soft and too hard. It feels like a cushion roller coster. Your body is sagging. The mattress is swallowing you up like quicksand. You are going to die from pillowtop smothering. What is the return policy on these things?! Are they even returnable? Why did you not ask that before purchasing?!
You can exchange (with some fees!!)
But you can have 60 days to obsess over it before you return it.
Obsess over it for 60 days. Maybe it is comfortable and you don’t realize it. Your back hurts. Is it the mattress? Your tailbone hurts. Is it the mattress? Your finger hurts. Is it the mattress? Oh no, that’s a paper cut.
You decide to return it. Explain to sales associate on phone that you may have gotten a paper cut from the mattress. Ask her to waive fees. She does not.
Head back to store to try out all the mattresses.
Make promise that once this is over, you will never buy a mattress again. When your mattress gets old, you will simply ask a dear friend to arrange a covert operation in which your mattress is switched out without your knowledge and an identical one is put in its place.