I feel like I’m losing a bit of my creative soul. I’m not sure when it happened exactly.
Sometime between my 20’s and when everyone stopped calling me by my name and started calling me, “Mom.” And I’m not talking about my kids. I’m talking about dental hygienists, doctors, class instructors and just about everyone else. “Hi mom!” they say, with cheery smiles as I walk in with my children.
Damn, I swear my name used to be Kelcey.
The funny thing is I thought I would lose a part of myself when I got married. I was an independent person and I couldn’t imagine how I was going to join someone in holy matrimony without giving up a part of me.
But what I learned was that although marriage meant more compromises, I could still truly be myself. Actually, a better version most of the time.
Then my husband and I had kids but they didn’t take my creative soul either. Just the opposite. Yes, they gobbled up time and stole my energy but they also filled me with a completeness and joy I had never known. Even as I type this, it is hard for me to fathom that my oldest daughter, 10, is already two years passed the half way mark to “adulthood.”
Even though these days, she is a roller coaster of emotions… one minute gloriously happy and then next minute expressing her desperate need for an iPhone 6, an Instagram account and her own room, to the next minute in a fit of tears because we bought the wrong color protractor.
She can make me crazy and yet, I don’t want her to leave. Ever.
So no, it wasn’t parenthood.
It wasn’t even the night I recently played Bunco, at long last succumbing to this intriguing suburban ritual of dice and musical chairs. It was something else.
I realized it one night at dinner in Miami. I was sitting there in this great restaurant, feeling the energy of a city and I felt more like myself than I had in a long time.
And I realized how much I missed stuff… off broadway plays, coffee shops that don’t start with “star” and end in “bucks”, photography shows, West village cobblestones, pre-war architecture, finding a great seat at your favorite sushi bar, people watching, city grit and a million other little things.
Courtesy of Grub Street
I miss the energy. I miss it rejuvenating me. I know, I am making it sound like a facial. But it’s about lifting my whole spirit.
I guess it happened slowly overtime, so quietly that I sort of missed it. As the years have gone by, we have for many necessary and important reasons (good schools, safety, affordability) moved deeper and deeper into a suburban bubble.
And although there are many advantages, I realized that it’s suffocating me a bit. And I need to free myself just a little before I spend too many days not feeling like myself.
So somewhere between shuttling kids to activities and finding the right color protractor, I’m committed to finding more city grit in my life. So I can be a bit more me.