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Feb
24
2016

When I became pregnant with our 5th child, I was told many many times, “Oh this one will have no choice but to go with the flow!”

And they were right. My 2 1/2 year old son Cash has an incredibly pleasant disposition. The kid barely ever cries and will exuberantly say hello to you a hundred times – especially if you are doing something super important like working on your computer to make a deadline and would prefer if a toddler didn’t help you with your powerpoint presentation.

But here’s what my son can’t seem to remember. I am old and I am tired.

But he is not.

Toddler with berries

Today I’m sharing a small list of things my son has done over the past couple weeks. Keep in mind, because of Cash’s determined effort to run free and hitchhike across America, our house is a fortress and we keep very close tabs on him. Like if we owed a parrot, the only thing it would know how to say is, “Where’s Cash? Oh there he is. Where’s Cash? Oh there he is.”

But despite our efforts, he still seems to squeeze in some very destructive activities or as he calls them, hobbies. ย Often when we are cleaning up one mess, he takes the opportunity to create a new one in another location. The kid really know how to maximize his time.

Things my 2 1/2 year old had done over the past couple weeks:

Cleaned our toilet with our kitchen cleaning brushes. Yeah, the ones we use to clean the dishes we put food on.

Threw his shoes (and socks) out the car window which I did not realize until we arrived home. I said to him, “Where are your shoes?” And he said, “window.” So I give him credit for fessing up. I retraced our route and found them because Paw Patrol sneakers aren’t going missing on my watch.

Toddler shoe in road

He threw a bunch of throw pillows into a bathtub filled with water.

Somehow opened a bag of grout he found and scattered it throughout the first floor of our house.

Dragged a heavy box over to the alarm system so he could reach the buttons. Pressed as many buttons as he could until the security person came over the intercom and asked if everything was okay at the home. Cash is thrilled at this new discovery that a voice came out of that box. He is planning future conversations!

Poured a half a gallon of milk onto the table. I mean, he initially started pouring it into a glass but then just kept going. It’s not his fault glasses are too small to hold a whole carton of milk.

Washed his hair at the bubble station at the Discovery and Science museum.

Toddler at Discovery Museum

Squeezed out an entire bottle of shampoo and then when he heard me on the stairs, pulled out his sister’s Shopkins and played happily like nothing was up at all.

At the grocery store, he dug his fingers into raw pork chop before I could stop him. Raw pork. The kid is apparently not afraid of parasites.

Pumped out body lotion onto our bedspread and rug. Lavender scent if you’re wondering.

He requires us to wrap tape around the clip of his seat at dinner because he can open every clip out there. I tried just fastening the clip backwards and he looked at me like, “Woman, do you really think I’m that dumb?” I can say with confidence he’s not.

And finally, he just threw our landline phone into the tub. Which as you would expect, does not help a phone work better. But the upside, he didn’t electrocute the twins who were in the bath at the time.

So what can you do for me?

  1. Send me a bottle of wine (obviously I need it)
  2. Or share your own crazy kid story so I know I’m not the only one out there.
  3. Or reassure me that this is all a sign that Cash is going to be a future President some day.
  4. Maybe all of the above.

 

 

 


25 Responses to so this should make you feel better about your kid

  • Kerri Paquette says:

    Well….at least Cash doesn’t have a twin? We cared for foster twin brother toddlers starting at the age of 2 (they were also delayed). My house had kept umpteen other children safe & busy, including my bio set of twins & a set of twin girls from the age of 10 months to almost 2 years. HA!! My bio twins would use eachother as step stools to get over any obstacle. They would run off in opposite directions, on purpose. The would scream in large stores as they loved the sound of the echo of their voices & when they would yell while laughing hysterically back & forth at each other “You a witch!”, NO, you a witch!”, I was embarassed as they used the letter “b” instead of a “w” as they could not pronounce a “w” yet. There was the day I had them both in the slings & one reached out & grabbed a glass jar of spaghetti sauce off the shelve in the grocery store & dropped it on my Birk-clad foot. OUCH! Had to send my older kids off to get someone to help me. They come back with a teenage boy. He very carefully picked the broken glass off my feet & toes. I couldn’t move or I would get cut & I yes I still had both twins in the slings. When we were pretty sure all the glass was dealt with he grabbed some wet wipes off the shelf & wiped off my feet. As well as the sauce that splashed up my pants. It wasn’t even my brand of sauce! Eventually we did a shortened shopping & got out of there. I continuously thanked the kind young man. My older kids were both horrified and thought it was also hilarious. I got back in the van & realized I my pants were so soaking wet that I would end up being very cold by the time I got home. Plus I think I was allergic to something in the sauce as my skin was getting very itchy…hence why I probably didn’t buy that brand. So…I chose to take off my pants & turn on the heat (it was end of summer, early fall?). I was finally warmed up & driving along in my 12 passenger van, where I am above all the cars, so they cannot see in. Then much to my dismay an 18 wheeler drove by, glanced into the van & the driver started grinning at me. I looked down & realized that in his position & the way I was sitting, that not only was it obvious I was not wearing pants, but it looked like I wasn’t wearing underwear either. The cell phone rings & one of my kids answers it. It is my husband. He says where are we & what are we doing. Kid responds,”We are driving down the highway, mom is only wearing underwear & the 18 wheeler driver is smiling at her.”

  • Sallyann says:

    My 3 year old son, Wyatt(Wyatt Riot) has caused so many “wft” moments since he was able to crawl. He moves without caution and doesn’t listen to me or his father. He knocked over one of those fake fireplaces onto of himself when he was 6 months. There was a summer of him attempting to eat mud and telling me “mmm, mommy it tastes yummy”, picking up dog poop and throwing it at his older brother and dumping out dog’s water bowl onto the deck, licking up the puddles. Never thought I would have to say stop licking the deck to my son. Last weekend, he ask his brother (who’s a germ freak) this: do you wanna smell me, I smell like pee? I could probably write a book on Wyatt Riot’s shenanigans.

  • Sallyann says:

    My 3 year old son, Wyatt(Wyatt Riot) has caused so many “wft” moments since he was able to crawl. He moves without caution and doesn’t listen to me or his father. He knocked over one of those fake fireplaces ontop of himself when he was 6 months. There was a summer of him attempting to eat mud and telling me “mmm, mommy it tastes yummy”, picking up dog poop and throwing it at his older brother and dumping out dog’s water bowl onto the deck, licking up the puddles. Never thought I would have to say stop licking the deck to my son. Last weekend, he ask his brother (who’s a germ freak) this: do you wanna smell me, I smell like pee? I could probably write a book on Wyatt Riot’s shenanigans.

  • laura says:

    Love that boy! xxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxooxoxooxoxoxooxooxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoox

  • Emma says:

    I have had 6 children, and because I started early and stayed late, they range in age from 29 down to the youngest who is on the charming and pleasant cusp of turning 13. So many shenanigans, catastrophes, and near-misses but here’s the good news. They’re a distant memory. If I try really hard I can remember the time my now 24 yr old would sprinkle oatmeal packets all over the living room rug and then get down on all fours with the dog..and eat it. Or when my now 27 yr old, if given 5 unsupervised minutes, would empty every drawer in her room and pile it all on her bed with all her toys and say she was going on vacation. Or the time I spent hours cleaning and redoing the turtle tank (don’t ask why we have turtles) and within the hour the youngest “helped” by dumping an entire container of food into the tank.
    You are NOT alone!! And soon you’ll be dealing with different kind of crisis- High School, College, Boyfriends, Girlfriends, moving out and more! I won’t tell you “you’re going to miss these days”, because you won’t…I think when you have many children you’ve had enough of it. Sometimes I wonder how I even survived it. Wine is good.
    Maybe Cash can throw his hat in the ring right now…it wouldn’t be the strangest thing happening in politics right now!

  • alex says:

    Good god, woman. I’m having a panic attack just reading this. This story is reminding me of one that I heard from Bruce’s mom a few years back. Bruce Goveia was a holy terror when he was little. His mom told me that to keep from losing her mind she would put Bruce in a harness and tie him to a tree, like a dog. So he had about a 10 foot radius of movement, which she figured was plenty considering she had four other children to keep track of. I think tying a child to a tree might be frowned upon these days, but desperate times and whatnot. Meanwhile, I’ll send you a bottle of tequila. Wine ain’t gonna cut it. xoxo

  • Daphne says:

    I remember standing in the hardware store, in tears, begging them to construct some sort of harness to restrain my angel as I was tired of visiting the ER every time she decided to leap of something high. They tried to point me towards child restraints and then ran away as my hysterical voice shrieked that SHE CAN BREAK OUT OF EVERY CHILD RESTRAINT EVER INVENTED! Ahh the good old days… (I do remember using more duct tape in the toddler stage than I had expected)

  • Ryan Richeal says:

    My daughter Camdyn dropped my older daughters stuffed cat in the toilet and didnt tell anyone. Then she fished it out and carried it around the downstairs before telling me. So of course I FLIP out on her screaming to put it in the laundry(spot that is next to the basement stairs) she starts crying, throws it in the spot and then promptly sticks her drenched and dripping hands into her mouth while she is sobbing. Oh and the toilet was full of pee before she dropped the cat in. So she peed, fished out the cat and then flushed. I was gagging all night

  • j more says:

    When my son was about 3 i caught him in the middle of the night downstairs in the kitchen. he had dumped out an entire bag of sugar and was playing in it on the floor. When I asked why, his reply was “because the park is closed and I wanted to play in the sandbox”. I’m still finding sugar in my floor!

  • Dorothy says:

    I had a two year old climb out of his crib at naptime – for the first time ever – grab my teen’s red lipstick and color every surface in the room, bed, dresser, wall and finally himself, vewy, vewy quietly, before I caught him.
    The antics change as they get older, sigh. 14 year old climbed out second floor bedroom window in the middle of the night with best friend to go “speak” to someone who dissed him, with his sister’s baseball bat in hand. Resulting in a call from the cops at 2am. Awesome.

  • Kate Hood says:

    My kids are well out of the destructive toddler phase. But my oldest, Oliver will never leave the do really weird (and often moderately destructive) things phase. Most recent incident: My daughter was looking for a pencil at homework time and found that all were missing their lead points (lead? graphite? I don’t know – whatever the writey stuff is). And when I say “points” I mean you’d have to sharpen them at least 1/4 of the way down to find more lead/graphite. All heads swiveled to see Oliver cradling the missing points in his hands. I asked why and he said, “they’re my babies.” Obviously.

  • Mel says:

    Cash sounds very busy! Just like my 2 year old who also refuses to acknowledge (or perhaps takes advantage of) the fact that I am old and tired.if I’m removing clean laundry from the dryer, she’s grabbing it and stuffing it in the washer. If I’m in the shower, she turns on the tub and climbs in fully clothed. She won’t eat ANYTHING I offer her but will chow down on dirty tissues, cat food and stickers like she’s at a Vegas buffet. Le sigh.

  • Jodi says:

    My 3 yo “monster” once disappeared during our little town festival with 6 adults standing right next to him. We scoured the surrounding blocks, for what felt like an eternity, only to find him ten feet away from where it all started. He had scaled the door of some guy’s pickup truck, climbed in the open window and was attempting to insert the keys into the ignition!!
    He was the reason I said I would never have any more children. Obviously, he grew out of it as I had 3 more but the newest nearly 2 year old has had me calling upon poison control not once, not twice but 3 times already! He has stepped it up a notch to claim the busiest toddler award from his big bro for sure!
    We are really DONE this time ๐Ÿ˜‚

  • Janiece Hemphill says:

    I found you on Facebook, and read your posts, and the comments, with many smiles! It brought me back decades ago, as my I am now a grandmother of 6, and my heart attack inducing, grey hair creating years with my oldest son Chris, who is now 43. He created the term in our family ‘baby stealth mode’… He was very, very quiet when he perpetrated the worse ‘baby induced’ disasters in the history of our family. He walked at 9 months, and by 1 year, he was painting his bedroom from his poopy diapers.
    By the age of 18 months, he could not be kept in clothing, cribs, or playpens, and once climbed into the window over his crib, unfastened the screen, climbed out the window, fell in the bushes and went into the neighbors house and woke them up..at 3:00 a.m…naked.
    At 2 and a half, he pulled his 1 year old baby brother out of his crib at 3:00 a.m. (the Baby Witching Hour), then took him to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and emptied a tub of margarine, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk onto the linoleum..creating a ‘slippery slide’.
    In the space of 1 hour, 6 months later, during ‘nap time’ he shoved his teddy in the toilet, flushed till water rolled down the hall, then while I was mopping it up, cracked a dozen eggs over his baby brothers head, ten poured a pitcher of tea over his head!
    (Keep in mind things were different 40 yrs ago)…At 4, on the first day of day care, he went upstairs, told the day care ladies his mother was there to get them, and took his 3 year old brother and walked out..to our new house, 10 blocks away. (Last day at day care for them, and I was hysterical and irate when I went to pick them up!) I found them outside the bedroom window of the new house in their underwear, playing with the toys Chris had thrown out the window, after he climbed in.
    Chris was a trail blazer in many ways..the first in his high school class to get a secret tattoo, a Mohawk, start a chapter of ‘SHARP SKINS’, (Skinheads against racial prejudice), have death threats by the local KKK for leading protests at their rallies.
    By his 20’s he was back-packing across Europe, a practicing Buddhist, vegan, and a very talented practitioner of body modification, returning to open his own business.
    Chris passed on his wild, adventurous nature to his daughter Audrey, who at 3 was caught trying to drag her tricycle up a ladder to ride it off the roof!

  • Mary Clare says:

    The universe/higher being was saving the best for last for your family! I had some active toddlers prone to similar stuff, but Cash definitely is on a faster pace for toddler antics of destruction than any of mine. Good thing those chubby cheeks soften the reaction to the mess and craziness! Toddlers are built cute for a reason.

  • Kristina says:

    He’s a fun kid! My younger self totally wanted to hang out with him. You gave me a great morning giggle. Thanks, great way to start my day.

  • Andy says:

    He washed his own hair at the science museum?! Amazing! I’m going to suggest this to my kids next time we go, then we can just skip bath time.
    Thanks for the suggestion Cash! You should have your own parenting blog.

  • Lea says:

    Maybe you shouldn’t have named him after the man who invented trashing hotel rooms. Just a thought. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Loved this post!

  • Jovan says:

    My son is just 2 years old love him dearly but he is a 9-5 job! He attends daycare Monday-Thursday but like all children he has picked up a few habits from daycare. His new favorites are “NO Mommy, I don’t want to, I don’t like that, and my favorite “Mommy time out”!

  • Amy says:

    You’ll miss these days one if these years. My now 31 year old had a thing for toilets when she was 2. She flushed a 14K gold and diamond watch once and got a sippy cup stuck in the toilet another time. The sippy cup incident required totally removing the toilet to find the cup that made it all the way to where the wax ring sets. Or the time my 4 boys built a ramp off the top of the shed to ride down on a plastic alligator teeter totter. They were pulling bikes up the ladder when I caught them. My babies are 21-31 now..: oh how I miss the days when I could still put a stop to some of the craziness.


kelcey kintner


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