Sign #1: I used to live in the West Village. Now I drive my enormous gold minivan to the city.
I went into the city this weekend to meet a friend for dinner. I found a parking spot pretty quickly and then spent the next 19 minutes trying to get into it. In my defense, I have a big car. Not in my defense, it was a big spot. It took me so long that some guy on the street took pity on me and finally started directing me when to turn my wheel, when to reverse, when to pull forward. I used to be a parallel parking superstar. A god damn superstar. But the minivan completely throws me off my game. Once I emerged from the car, I quickly scurried away, hanging my head in suburban shame.
Sign #2: I had the following conversation with my hairdresser…
“How much layering do you want?” she asked.
“I like the layers on that actress – the one from 90210. Do you watch 90210?”
“The old 90210?”(Yes, because I am dying to look like Shannon Doherty, circa 1995)
“No, the new one. Do you watch it?”
“No,” says my hairdresser. “Do you?” (Shit, this woman is 10 years younger than me. This is humiliating.)
“Well, I don’t really (a lie) but sometimes I see it when my daughter is watching (a lie) and I just noticed the actress’ hair (the truth!).”
“Hmm… maybe you can bring in a picture.” (Yes, I’m going to carry around a photo of AnnaLynne McCord and in addition to the layers in her hair, I’d also like her stomach. Can I have that too?)
“Yeah, just cut the layers. Whatever you think.”
Sign #3: I actually took the time to watch Kathie Lee and Hoda interview Marie and Donnie Osmond on Today about their Christmas show on Broadway.
Kathie Lee usually seems drunk which makes the show fun and unpredictable. She was talking to Marie who happens to be a spokesperson for Nutrisystem and lost 50 pounds on the weigh loss program. So Kathie Lee said,
“You look younger than your children and that’s not from Nutrisystem. You look great.”
Which is completely code for…
“Your face lift looks awesome. Can you refer me to your plastic surgeon?”
See, that’s why I watch.