Rick and I were invited to a party this past weekend. I love a party. Who doesn’t love a party?! And then I saw the recommended attire… “Sexy Outdoor Attire.”
Nothing makes a woman who has given birth and breastfed four children consider skipping a party and watching reruns on the CW network like “sexy outdoor attire.”
But wait, I have some cute dresses.
In fact a backless wrap around dress that I wore all the time pre-children. I would just need to wear my Spanx knock offs and some kind of chest support. But I realized way too late in the day that I didn’t have any of those backless strapless bras or adhesive bras so I thought… packing tape. Naturally.
Then I went ahead and used clear packing tape to tape up my boobs.
And it was brilliant!
In concept. But it didn’t work at all because my breasts made crunchy noises and had sharp weird angles. Rick said it looked fine. And I think by “fine” he meant, “I really wish we could just leave and go to this party.”
So then I tried duct tape. Again, naturally.
Pretty much the same result.
At this point, I could hear Rick silently sighing, so I put on a different dress. One where I could wear a proper bra and my boobs didn’t have sharp weird angles.
The party was very fun. They had a fireworks display (really). And a topless woman covered in body art…
Perfect sexy outdoor attire.