Okay children, there’s this rumor that you are going to be released soon which makes no sense because I know I signed a petition to keep you in school 365 days a year. Or was that a petition to save the sea otters. Or maybe it was a permission slip for you to visit some country farm. Whatever. I can’t remember.
The point is I’ve been receiving a lot of threatening letters from the school (which seems a lot like bullying) about you being done with school very soon. Which means I’ve put together a list of rules for the summer that all children must follow.
Rules for the Summer
You Still Have a Bedtime
Bedtime is the same. The SAME. You’re not going to bed later because it’s summer. Okay maybe 20 minutes later. But not later later. If you go to bed any later, it will be practically morning. You’re growing. You need sleep. I need you to be sleeping. Bedtime will be the same except all the nights where I let you stay up too late.
If You Want a Lemonade Stand…
There will be no lemonade stands UNLESS you do more work than me. I will not pay for the ingredients and make the lemonade and drag the table, the pitcher, the cups, the chair and the sign down to the corner only so you can make a few dollars and then beg me for the next week to go to Toys R Us so you can spend “your” money. You must do the bulk of the work. Okay, half the work. Okay, 20% of the work. THIS IS NOT A NEGOTIATION. Okay you do 10% of the work but that’s my final offer. And I get to drink as much lemonade as I want.
Clean Up, Clean Up, Clean Up Time
An activity must be cleaned up in the house before you start on the next one. lololololol.
Cut It Out with the Slime
Stop making slime. At this point children, you are stockpiling slime. If there is armageddon, we will have enough slime to build a fortress and keep our enemies out. We have enough slime.
Fidget Spinners are Not a Collector’s Item
You can make it through the summer without buying any more fidget spinners. We can use the fidget spinners we already own to also combat our foes during the final days of the world.
No Mythical Creature Drinks
Do not even ask me for any more of those unicorn dragon mermaid loch ness creature $5 drinks from Starbucks.
If you want a treat, I will buy you a .99 cent doughnut. If you want something cold, freeze the doughnut.
I Hate Sunscreen Too
You will not wince and squirm and complain when I put on your sunscreen. I’m trying to protect your skin. Trust me, this isn’t my idea of a good time either. But apparently children are supposed to spend a lot of time playing outside so we must both endure. Do not give me this face.
You will Love Traveling!
We will be doing some traveling. You will pack. You will unpack. You will be delighted at the places we take you. Every road trip will be an opportunity to learn something new in the world. Or at the very least watch TV and eat snacks while fighting with your siblings and losing your shoes in the car. Spin it however you want.
There’s a Place You Can Find Food
Food is in the kitchen. If you’re hungry, you can go get some. No need to declare, “I’m hungry” 103 times. Just eat something (that is more like hummus and less like cake) and you will no longer feel hungry.
The Quieter You Are, The More You Get Away With
Children often make the mistake of being too loud when they are getting away with something. So smuggle your phone into your room at night. Eat chocolate chip cookies at 8 am. Mail your brother to a circus. Just be very quiet about it and I’ll leave you alone.
You must follow each and every rule or else I will probably start sobbing and lock myself in the bathroom with a dozen red velvet cupcakes which means you won’t get any of those cupcakes so I would advise you follow these rules so you can eat a cupcake.