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When we decided to leave New York City for the green pastures of the suburbs, this is just the kind of thing I worried about…

Today our UPS guy brings a few packages to the door and says, “There’s a raccoon sleeping in your yard.”

Oh definitely. I’m sure the big guy is just doing a little sunbathing.

Or you know, he’s dead.

So between taking care of my two older girls and nursing my twins, I suddenly have to figure how to get rid of a big dead raccoon in my yard.

I call the police who send over an officer to confirm whether the animal is indeed dead.  I’m pretty sure I saw a “Law and Order” with the same plot line.

The officer shows up and says, “Yup. He’s dead.”

“Well, how do I get rid of him? He’s huge. And he might have rabies. Yuck.”

“Throw him in a garbage bag.”

“I’m not getting near that thing.”

“Well, you can call a trapper who will charge you $150 to do the same thing.”

$150 bucks? No way.  Apparently, it’s a slow day on the Westchester police beat because I convince the officer to help me. He instructs me to get a shovel, a garbage bag and some gloves. I make sure my kids are inside with the babysitter (I’m not up for fielding a lot of dead raccoon questions) and I gather the necessary equipment. Then the officer says,

“I’ll need you to hold the bag while I dump the raccoon in.”

Umm… what?!

Dude. I’m so not holding that bag. I’ll never sleep again if I have to get that close to a big, dead, nasty raccoon. Seriously.

And then he calls me a chicken. Now I’m being heckled by a police officer. Fabulous.

But suddenly I think of a better solution…. a box! I run to the basement. Remember how my girls almost burned down the kitchen when they lit the toaster oven on fire? Well, we just purchased a new toaster oven and the box is PERFECT RACCOON SIZE!

So the officer boxes up the animal and per his instructions, we put it on the side of the road to be picked up by sanitation…

Unless someone in need of a new toaster oven steals that box first.

41 Responses to raccoon in a box

  • Lauren says:

    Hysterical! Also, what kind of toaster oven did you get? My husband broke the dial off ours and I turn it with pliers and guess the setting :). Broil is a dangerous setting!!

  • abby says:

    That was way too funny. It’s like the movie Seven but inatead of Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in the box there is a racoon head. This post made me laugh so hard. And to be heckled by a cop? Did you show him all those kids inside the house?

  • Diane says:

    Classic story of life in suburbia. Happens all the time. You never get this kind of excitement in the city! We were taking the dog out for a walk last night and came across a bunny! The little girls chased that poor thing around the block for 30 mins. Priceless.

  • Kim says:

    I thought that I had it bad! I have raccoon stories that would make you laugh, but my mole story is even better! I had a dead mole in my driveway one morning (they are a lot smaller then raccoons), and I could not manage to go near it (so this makes me a bigger chicken then you). So, I went to the front of my house, and luckily one of my elderly neighbors was driving by, and thought something was wrong, when I told her about the mole, she laughed, and removed all traces of it for me! Hope that makes you feel better!

  • E says:

    As if the story wasn’t funny enough, the thought of someone curb cruising and sticking that box in his car is even more hilarious. Do you know how bad it’s gonna stink in this heat?

  • Jennie says:

    The thought of someone stealing that box and opening it to find a dead raccoon might be the funniest thing I’ve thought all day.

    In fact, let’s just pretend that actually happens.

  • Michelle says:

    you just gave EuroPro Kitchen some AWESOME advertising. You should be asking them for some kickback….

  • Roberta says:

    So funny. A very similar thing happened in my neighborhood about a year ago. A raccoon climbed up a telephone line and electrocuted himself on the transformer landing in my neighbors front yard. The neighbor had the same quandry as you and decided to discard in a box they had recently received. His only “mistake” was not removing his address when he discarded the box in a dumpster. But he was never caught.

  • Wow! You have been provided some serious fodder for blog humor lately. I’m so jealous. I want a dead raccoon in my front yard that I can dispose of in the box for the new toaster oven I bought when my kids almost set the house on fire with the old one.

  • Rebecca S. says:

    you should have had a little raccoon funeral- it would have filled up some time for Summer and Dylan

  • anymommy says:

    Um, that would be the funniest story ever from the other side. “I stole a toaster on the side of the road and ended up with a raccoon carcass.”

  • Robin says:

    I can totally relate to this. I live in a suburb too. Hopefully someone doesn’t think they are getting luck with a new toaster. Great story! :)Happy Weekend!

  • shay says:

    people live in the suburbs all the time without the pleasure of a dead wild animal! you guys are the lucky winners obviously.
    …and what?!?!?! He expected you to HOLD THE BAG?!?!? um…right!

  • I don’t know what I’d do if I found a big dead raccoon in my yard… The mice and squirrels that the neighbors’ cat leaves around are bad enough. A five year old, a three year old, newborn twins and a dead raccoon… You are super mom.

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    You should have let the girls see what you did with an unwanted raccoon; and let them know that ‘unwanted’ children (those who don’t listen to their MOMMYS) are disposed of in the same manner. Then save up your money for the Psychiatrist (who might charge less for 2 patients from the same family). That’s Aunt Marcia’s tip on raising obedient children…

  • Doug says:

    @Marinka I’d have called the police too. They typically have a non-emergency line that is for all kinds of things, including animal control, or cars that have been sitting out front of your house for days that might be stolen. You can also tell them about potholes. Pretty much it’s the best way to contact the city for anything, and if they aren’t set up to handle it they’ll at least direct you to the correct department.

  • I once walked outside to find the dog with a big, fluffy brown rabbit in his mouth. Also dead. I screamed, closed the door and called for Hubby to come and deal with it. Turns out, it was the neighbour’s pet. He had dug a hole under our neighbouring fence and found his way in. Obviously, the dog thought he a good playmate, and must have scared the poor thing to death (not a single piece of fur was missing).

    I don’t blame you not wanting to get near that raccoon. I couldn’t do it either!

  • Kristin says:

    If I was up there, I would have taken care of it for you. That’s what friends are for – or at least your vet friends. If it happens again on a weekend, just give me a call. 😉

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kelcey kintner