I finally had a mammogram this week. It’s kind of like a candygram but more boob grabbing.
I was a little nervous about the whole thing because I should have had one a lot sooner but it kept getting delayed by pregnancies, breast feeding and me temporarily forgetting how to use a phone to make an appointment.
But finally the day arrived and I showed up at the imaging center. You can’t wear deodorant which seems unfair to the people who work there but made me feel very free like a 1970’s wild child.
They immediately gave me this soft, warm robe and I suddenly thought to myself, “Hey, I’m getting a coconut infused seaweed wrap with my mammogram!” But they sort of forgot about the seaweed and instead compressed my breasts in this big machine.
The technician was quite friendly so I asked the question every woman there (without a boob job) wanted to know, “Is there an award for flattest, most droopy breasts?”
She smiled but didn’t really respond so I think I’m still in the running. She did call my breasts dense which seemed rude. I’m sure her boobs aren’t the smartest but I’m not going to call her out on that. I have manners, you know.
The mammogram experience was surprisingly okay. Just some minor discomfort and it didn’t even take too long. Although there are ways to make this experience more enjoyable for women…
Lime spritzers while you wait.
Passed hors d’oeuvres. Pigs in a blanket would be ideal but lamb chops acceptable too.
Complimentary hair styling. Keep this versatile.. hair straightening or curls!
Ryan Gosling slippers. I don’t know if they exist but they should.
Turn the volume of the TV in the waiting room down from ridiculously high to normal hearing level. Or maybe just turn it off because we are all reading our phones anyway.
Thankfully, my mammogram results were good. I don’t have a family history of breast cancer but you just never know. So I was relieved.
They want me back in a year. I’m open to it. But currently negotiating about the lime spritzers and Gosling slippers.