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You didn’t see the Academy Awards?! You had something better to do with 5 hours of your life?

Well, no matter. You can still interject yourself seamlessly into post Oscar banter at the office or the playground. Here are your official Academy talking points:

Brad and Angelina think they are ACTUAL royalty… you know, like the British monarchy kind. And Mr. and Mrs. Majesty could not be bothered to take part in plebeian Red Carpet rituals.

Sean Penn (who won “Best Actor”) never bothered to thank his wife, Robin Wright Penn, during his acceptance speech. Not really a brilliant move since this couple was recently on the brink of divorce. I think Sean and his Oscar may soon be seeing each other exclusively.

My husband tragically stumbled in the “Best Actor” category, incorrectly picking Mickey Rourke. Rick feels a great deal of shame about this misstep and knows he needs to commit more time to watching the E network and less time on those tedious news shows.

sarah-jessica-parker-oscars-2009I adore Sarah Jessica Parker but really didn’t like her hair. Something about the middle part or the big curls. I asked Rick for his opinion. But he was too transfixed by her breasts to actually hear me.

Lovebirds Alicia Keys and Zac Efron are rumored to now be ring shopping. Or maybe they just presented together at the Oscars. I don’t recall the actual details.

Obviously, the big winner of Oscar night was….

Jennifer Aniston.

With on and off again boyfriend John Mayer showing up and the Brangelina beauty wonder twins both losing, it was obviously her night to sparkle.

Oh and I think that “Slumdog Millionaire” flick did pretty ok too.

38 Responses to post oscar cliffs notes

  • Suzie says:

    Since you and Rick are the SJP experts, inquiring minds want to know if she had a boob job or if she has the BEST push up bra ever invented. If it’s option B, then I want to shop where she shops. With her credit card, of course. Wow.

  • PAPA says:

    My recap: Seacrest chasing down Brangelina and losing again, haha
    SJP’s “hubbie” matthew something or other looking like a walking wax museum, what was with his hair “color”
    hugh jackman – boring, keep it on broadway
    ben stiller channeling joaquim – not funny
    slumdog – was it really THAT good?  i’ll answer that.  no.  but remember it’s all about the STORY…in this case bringing the little kids to Hollywood
    anniston and jack black – face it you have to put someone with jennifer to make her exciting
    oscar telecast this year: thumbs down: boring, predictable and mickey rourke didn’t win…darn!

  • Suzie says:

    I have to disagree with PAPA, I loved the telecast this year. Having previous winners honor the current nominations was very classy and much more meaninful than two people reading boring lines from a teleprompter. And I thought Rick’s new BFF Hugh did a fine job. I do agree on Matthew Broderick though–he’s so waxy.

  • Chris says:

    Very nice cliff notes.  I couldn’t agree more on the Brangelina front – and Jennifer Aniston looked great, sounded relaxed and had her arm candy with her.  Right on.

    I’m sorry for this… but I dig Sean Penn – in a dickhead kind of way.  I just do.

    SJP’s boobs were very distracting.  Gorgeous, but distracting.

  • misty says:

    i adore SJP and really, could her husband have appeared more bothered to be there???

    as for Sean. I love him, i do. I adore him. He’s talent… but really, that was a pretty ass-ish move. And since his script was written, well… deliberate too. Jerk.

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    Please TELL ME, what’s so attractive about SJP’s boobs that look like she stuck a tea cup under her skin?  Are men that shallow and women that insecure?   Wait, don’t answer me…I know the answer.

  • wa says:

    Sean P. did thank his best friend “Sajray Majaapush” or something like that, so maybe that’s his pet name for Robin?
    And I know it’s not nice to say, but could Beyonce just go away for about 20 years? Does she have to be EVERYWHERE? Are there no other singers in the world?
    OK, I feel much better now that that’s off my chest.

  • Tara says:

    just wanted to let you know that I won in my Oscar pool!!  woohoo…$60!  Okay, I tied…so $30…woohoo!!!  I picked everything right except for Best Original Screenplay or was it Adapted Screenplay…you know, one of those that we really don’t care about anyway…like lighting and makeup and soundeffects! 🙂

  • Anna Lefler says:

    That’s it.  From now on, I’m not taking my breasts anywhere without a sculpted, sequined plaster platform to hold them up.  (And, apparently, an accountant to hold me up…?)

  • Kere says:

    I thought SJP’s boobs looked gross! All mushed up and boom. A little more realistic would have been nice. Did anyone else catch the Jennifer Anniston smile to Brad and Angelina while she was on stage? just goes to prove that the media really does twist things.

  • Sandrine says:

    I won my $0 pool against my husband and I had many wrong answers but I often vote with my heart like best foreign film I have to go with my motherland unless Almodovar is there… Just to brag my friends were nominated for best documentary-the lady that managed to say the f-blimped word-I voted for them too even if I knew the crazy French man story would win…

  • Katie says:

    This is quite an accurate recap.  Besides this, Great Britain was a big winner at the awards last night.  Slumdog Millionaire won numerous awards, Kate Winslet received Best Actress, Man on Fire won Best Documentary and the Best Costume Design award went to those behind the Duchess.  What a night for our friends across the pond!  I watched an interesting summary video on the “real” winners at newsy.com.  Take a look:


  • francine Kasen says:

    Sean is just so bad-boy HOT. The only one I would have wanted to see more than him, would be Mr. J. Depp. Now THAT’s a sandwich I’d like to fill.

  • calikim says:

    My Neighbor Sean was on Oprah today and she addressed him not saying thanks to Robin. He said because it was “implicit”‘. Also said if he said Robin, he would have to go on to Mom and dad, and his kids and so on….and that he gets in trouble if he mentions some of those people. He then went on to say, in fact, I’ll be expecting a punishment now for mentioning them on here.

    So there ya go!!

  • patois says:

    My only whoop! of the evening was for Sean. I think Robin and his kids and his parents heard the speech practiced enough and had ample time to beg for inclusion.

  • ErinB says:

    i loved seeing sjp there- even with her strangely high boobs, funky hair and husband who looked like he wanted to hang himself…angie is such a hussy, jennifer a needs a new hair do and brad needs a shave. i am so over them.  and now does this mean i have to go see slumdog? i was enjoying my track record of never seeing movies that are nominated.
    whew what an exhausting night. is awards season over? bring on the fricken ER finale.

  • pajamadeen says:

    I, too, have an “issue” with Sarah Jessica Parker’s big bazoom.  Why, it could pass for an Arctic ice shelf, jutting out from the coastline.  A little less bazoom and a little more modesty would have been nice.  And how is she going to _top that_ next year?  (And I agree with whoever said that she seemed larger – I don’t remember her being that well-endowed, either!)  Broderick does look ill at ease, kind of like he’s thinking:  “What am I doing in this picture with these boobs!”)

  • Damselfly says:

    So SJP and Matthew are together again? Or should I not believe all the rumors?

    My favorite thing of the night was that beautiful crystal curtain. And Queen Latifah. Guess I’m weird.

  • lilith says:

    If this was SJP’s and Broderick’s attempt to hush rumours about their falling marriage, then he failed miserably.  
    Hugh Jackman was pure gold. Can I be friends with Rick, so I can say I have a friend who’s besties with Hugh?

  • ella says:

    I love me some SJP, but she’s not playing to her strengths AT ALL. I actually can’t stand the black all around the eye liner. Makes her look creepy and old-lady like.
    And I hate “in your face boobs” on anyone. I spend the whole time wondering if they’re going to spill out, or wondering what sort of magic tape has been used and I never hear a thing anyone with those boobs says.

  • Jordana says:

    I really enjoyed the Oscars this year – I missed giving Rick $5, but Michael did an excellent job channeling him in our own mini-pool. Of course he was in my mind as his BFF was the host. I actually felt bad for Jen – John Meyer can just NOT compare to Brad on ANY level. And I LOVED the multiple presenters and Hugh’s singing and dancing. Don’t know who Papa is but I’m very happy he didn’t ruin my Oscar night!

  • Kate says:

    I did not watch the Oscar’s Sunday because every time I have, I’ve been almost bored to death.  However, I am now feeling not watchers remorse.  I just got finished watching the After Oscar’s show on Oprah because I don’t know what to think until Oprah has told me (like every other American).
    I wish I could have seen Hugh Jackman dancing and singing it out on stage.  Also I am sorry I missed where past winners spoke to the nominees.  Oh well, good thing there is next year!

  • Jessica says:

    SJP does not have boobs… those are goddamn torpedoes! Seriously what WAS she thinking? And I do not like the way MB is holding her… too possessive, (did I spell that properly?) as though he has something to hide… I saw none of the movies this year. I saw Kung Fu Panda, sigh…
    I was too busy watching Rich Girl Poor Girl Weddings … or something like that, on TBS or Lifetime … or something like that. The girls were rediculous. It felt good to laugh at them. About as good as it feels to laugh at SJP’s torpedoes!!!!

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kelcey kintner