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3 1/2 year-old Dylan and 15 month-old Summer really have the word “no” down. Me? Not so much. I find myself wanting to do everything for everybody and then feeling quite overwhelmed. Oh and doing EVERYTHING isn’t even sufficient… I want to do it perfectly too.

So as a result, I find myself up at 1 am, trying to come up with a very creative way to sell a $600 golf club. My daughter’s preschool asked me (in an incredibly nice way) to spruce up some of the item descriptions for their silent auction. And one of the 158 items on the block is a Callaway Golf FTi driver.

My golfing expertise includes a significant amount of miniature golf as a kid and one very late night outing to a golf course with an old boyfriend (details not being disclosed).

So here’s what I’ve come up with so far…

“With this awesome Callaway Golf FTi Driver, you’ll blow the the other mini golfers away at the Flushing Meadows Pitch & Putt!”

No? How about this one…

“This Callaway Golf FTi Driver is so cool and stylish, your wife won’t mind a bit when you leave her with the kids for 10 straight hours on Saturday while you hit the green!”

No? Ok, you come up with something. And while you’re thinking, I’ve got another auction item that needs a little creative flourish: a Bottega Veneta Handbag, valued at $3,550.

How about this…

“This stylish handbag is made of the finest, Italian leather AND comes with a full-time nanny (it must for the price, right?)”

The cost of handbags just knocks me over.

Here are a couple other tidbits that recently stunned me and my own cheap handbag.

Like Lulu, I could not believe Maxim dared to mess with SJP. A Maxim Magazine polled declared Sarah Jessica Parker the “unsexiest woman alive.” Really? Really?! Don’t we all wish WE were THAT unsexy. Yeah, it would just suck so much to be that beautiful, insanely hip, talented, famous and fabulous. I would just hate it.


So if Rick dumps me someday, I am so not dating guys who read Maxim. Or at least not the ones who subscribe. For gosh sakes, I have standards.

Meanwhile, I read an article in the New York Post about competing shows, “Cashmere Mafia” and “Lipstick Jungle.” According to the Post, one TV insider said, “ABC and NBC only bought the shows to p— each other off. Nobody wanted the other one to have a hit on their hands if it turned out audiences loved shows about middle-age women.”

Whoa… what’s that Scooby? MIDDLE AGE? Who are you calling middle age? Here are the ages of “Lipstick’s” actresses:

Brooke Shields 42
Lindsay Price 31
Kim Raver 39

Is this middle age for women?


I wonder if Maxim readers think they are unsexy too.

mama bird notes

Contributing mama Daphne Biener has a serious wild child on her hands. Duct tape and safety harnesses are no match for this little Houdini. Click on contributing mamas to read more.

There is a hint of hope in the air that you could actually be wearing a swimsuit in a few months. But do you really want to? Click on drooling over this for some super cool retro swimsuits that don’t reveal too much.

This week, leave a comment on the mama bird diaries and you are entered to win Escada Moon Sparkle Eau De Toilette. A fruity floral fragrance, with sparkling strawberry and red apple notes. You will smell delish. $70 value.


23 Responses to my so-called middle aged quest to do it all

  • Kristen says:

    $3500 for a handbag??? Holy cow….. I am speechless. By the way, it is okay to say no. I wish I could say no to jelly beans!

  • Jennifer H says:

    I would hit the websites for both the golf club and the bag, and see what they say about their product. Is that cheating? If it is, it's cheating for charity. Which could be its own charity, now that I think about it!

    Good luck.

  • Heh. Silent auctions grew old for me long ago. Good thing my kids are out of preschool!

    Oh, and a friend once told me that she literally sits on her hands at meetings (e.g, PTO meetings) in order to avoid volunteering for anything more than she's already taken on.

  • Abby Siegel says:

    Love the new security code. One bad email and you're all over it! Speaking of pleasing everyone, are you still coming to my birthday dinner next week? Because, if not imagine the guilt trip! Just kidding…oh yeah and our reunion is October 10-11 and you have to come with me!!!!

  • nap warden says:

    Really? SJP is the unsexiest woman ALIVE! Really? How about Barbara Walters…Rosanne Bar…I don't know…maybe Joan Rivers. I mean, SJP has unique qualities, but unsexy…that is not one of her traits…boo Maxim!

  • Melissa says:

    While I'm sure that SJP was hurt by Maxim's poll, I like to think that in her fabulousness, she was eventually able to let it roll off of her back. She's just incredible. Smart, gorgeous, body to die for, adorable little family… and the best head of hair around. Maxim is lame. What a cruel idea for a poll.

  • Laughing out loud at your description of your golf resume…I had a similar "golf date" turned memorable only b/c the sprinklers came on.

    SJP will forever be FABULOUS.

    Love your SA descriptions!! I think you should donate that hamburger phone to the auction. Have your husband autograph it (or Summer for that matter)…It'll bring more than that handbag for certain.


  • SJP will always equal Square Pegs for me (I've never seen Sex and the City) but I thought she was pretty great back then.

    Saying No is an art, for sure… I agree with Shannon on the Hamburger Phone! Definitely a winner!

  • Jacki says:

    You mean someone donated a Bottega Veneta purse? And to think I hate spending $100 on a cute Guess purse.

    Oh…and don't worry. When my dad first sent me the email with those pictures, it was titled "Bambi & Thumper" and knowing what kind of emails he usually sends I thought it was going to be about two strippers.

  • Queen Goob says:

    Don't fret over SJP, she went out the afternoon Maxim hit the stands and bought herself 7 Bottega Veneta handbags and all was well in her middle-ages world.

    OH! And golf clubs + golf course + horse = really fun "polo" match…..

  • Jordana says:

    Kelcey – I remember that night on the golf course!! Forgot all about that – thanks for the memories – maybe we can swing by Longshore after the reunion ( :

  • Beth Hynes says:


    I can't believe I didn't teach you to say "NO." How about "Not this week, but perhaps I can help at another time." As for the Bottega, just put a frenchie phrase, such as "Je ne sais quoi" and leave it at that. Anybody ridiculous enough to spend that kind of money for an accessory that's not made of gemstones will love such pseudo-sophistry.

    I could not agree more on Maxim, however, with respect to Rick, if he was ever insane enough to let you out of his life, YOU would be smart enough to realize that with alimony and child support aplenty, who needs a husband?

    Make sure you give Summer some good probiotics for the next 60 days to help her tummy heal properly. Hope you are into nutrition these days.

  • wa says:

    Somehow it got out this year that I used to be a copywriter, so I, too, had the "give it some punch!" job for our silent auction item descriptions.

    But if you just use the descriptive phrases "kick ass" and "f*cking awesome" a lot, they probably won't ask again.

  • Milena says:

    Agree on the SJP thing. What were they thinking? And those girls from the shows you mentioned, I'm sure they are considered geriatric by Maxim standards.

    Good bags ARE terribly expensive. I used to buy me one really good one once a year. That was before I married and had my child. Now it seems like a superfluous and vain indulgence. What's the point? I'll still have to put dirty diapers in it, or clean up spilled milk and tear the lining with a pointy toy. I can do that on a 50 dollar bag with less pain than I used to now.

  • ErinB says:

    it's bad enough there is a list of "sexiest" people out there . but really… a list of "unsexy" people? first of all…who cares? second of all…who is this list according to? some yahoo at Maxim? and SJP is on the unsexy list why? because she doesn't look like a stripper like those on the "sexy" list???

    SJP- screw Maxim! I just heart you with your fabulous hair, impeccable style, and your all around adorableness…I hope you look at your bank account and closet full of fab clothes and just laugh at that list!

    as far as our ladies on Lipstick Jungle…I would like to sign up to look "middle aged" like them!!! any day!!

  • Can I win a retro swimsuit instead? One that covers . . . oh, just about everything?

    So, that SJP thing reminds me of a review I just read of a book trilogy. Someone hated the book, hated every book in the series.

    Wouldn't I love to have a series of books hated that well!

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kelcey kintner