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I think I might be pregnant with the royal baby.

Wait, hear me out on this. Here’s my hypocrisy. I mean, my philosophy. What’s that word? Oh right. My hypothesis. No worries people. My mind is still as sharp as a butter knife.

Kate Middleton and I become pregnant around the same time and I’m just thinking there could have been some weird cosmic shift during hurricane Sandy and suddenly I’m carrying royalty and she’s carrying a commoner from New York state.

(Either that or we both peed in a fountain at the same time like Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds although I have no memory of that and peeing in a fountain with a duchess is sort of something one remembers.)

Now I realize that my “I’m carrying the royal baby” theory is going to be very hard to prove.

The Duchess of Cambridge will be all like, “I just gave birth to the future king or queen of England.” And I’m going to be like, “No, you did not girl. You just gave birth to a future accountant from Manhattan. I have the king right here.” And then Camilla will likely get involved because we all know how nosy the Duchess of Cornwall can be and she’ll probably side with Kate because she hates my American accent or something.

But I’m thinking Pippa would at least hear me out on the matter. Plus, if my baby looks remotely like Prince Charles (which frankly every baby does), I might just have a case.

Now if I end up having to raise a royal baby, I will clearly make changes in the house like using cloth napkins (fancy like a royal palace!) instead of discount paper towels. And I will make my dad stop referring to the potty as “the pot” because that sounds way too plebeian and because it makes me think of some fat middle aged guy sitting on the toilet smoking cigarettes and reading the sports page.

And of course, we will all have to drink tea. I mean, I won’t. Because tea is gross. But I’ll say things like, “It’s tea and biscuit time” and then I’ll obviously serve Maxwell House and munchkins.

Even if my baby is a royal infant, I won’t make you call me the Duchess of New York or anything because I’m not showy like that. Plus, I don’t live in a palace unless you count the times I’m forced to climb into the Disney Princess Super Play House Tent.

A simple “My Fair Lady Kelcey” will totally be sufficient.

15 Responses to my royal baby

  • Hey, I have that Disney Play Tent. Maybe I’m not a Commoner either? Also, now I have to return that Carter’s sleeper that I just bought your baby as that will totally not be good enough now.

  • Abby says:

    You know I love you so much but my nephew Murray is the future King of Connecticut so don’t even go there. And my sister-in-law is the future Princess of Connecticut (as much as it pains me to say this, as I always thought it was my job) but if you want to cover NYState be my guest. xoxoxoxo AB

  • Sasa says:

    LOL, the best part was “the Duchess of New York”. But I think this title/name would really suit you well 🙂

  • Helen says:

    I have to confess I am really offended. Maxwell House!!! Dearie if you came to England or where I live in Wales you would be drop kicked out of the nearest window. Its Nescafe coffee!!!!!

  • Tommy-Tom says:

    For the record, I’m still fairly trim and smoke not at all. I do read sports, though not while sitting on you know what.

    • Steph says:

      I vote for bitsy’s idea. and maybe make angelina play your servant. Congrats on your royal baby! You can totally pull off being a Duchess.

  • Renee says:

    Hi Kelsey – I rarely comment (sorry!) and I’ve been behind on my blog reading, so I only just heard the news that you are pregnant. Wow – congratulations!! I’m sure you probably WERE feeling pretty panicked (I know I would be…), but I think it’s great news. Everything happens for a reason (even a drunken romp where you forgot to use birth control! or maybe that just happened to me!). Honestly, I think 5 kids are amazing, but it’s not something that many of us would choose to do because, yes, it’s not easy. So, maybe having it happen by accident is the only way to go..When you and Rick are much older, you will have a gaggle of kids and probably grand-kids around you. And, honestly, what else can you really ask for?!?

  • Olga says:

    I watched the royal wedding in the hospital next to my newborn female Prince Charles. Now we are working on table manners so Buckingham, here we come!

  • My daughter has been complaining about the fact that I didn’t marry a prince lately. I live in New York. You live in New York. Just saying. Maybe twenty years from now my six year old can rob the cradle with your royal offspring– and if it’s a girl they can be the first royal lesbian couple! Wonder what the Queen Mum would say to that.

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kelcey kintner