I think I might be pregnant with the royal baby.
Wait, hear me out on this. Here’s my hypocrisy. I mean, my philosophy. What’s that word? Oh right. My hypothesis. No worries people. My mind is still as sharp as a butter knife.
Kate Middleton and I become pregnant around the same time and I’m just thinking there could have been some weird cosmic shift during hurricane Sandy and suddenly I’m carrying royalty and she’s carrying a commoner from New York state.
(Either that or we both peed in a fountain at the same time like Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds although I have no memory of that and peeing in a fountain with a duchess is sort of something one remembers.)
Now I realize that my “I’m carrying the royal baby” theory is going to be very hard to prove.
The Duchess of Cambridge will be all like, “I just gave birth to the future king or queen of England.” And I’m going to be like, “No, you did not girl. You just gave birth to a future accountant from Manhattan. I have the king right here.” And then Camilla will likely get involved because we all know how nosy the Duchess of Cornwall can be and she’ll probably side with Kate because she hates my American accent or something.
But I’m thinking Pippa would at least hear me out on the matter. Plus, if my baby looks remotely like Prince Charles (which frankly every baby does), I might just have a case.
Now if I end up having to raise a royal baby, I will clearly make changes in the house like using cloth napkins (fancy like a royal palace!) instead of discount paper towels. And I will make my dad stop referring to the potty as “the pot” because that sounds way too plebeian and because it makes me think of some fat middle aged guy sitting on the toilet smoking cigarettes and reading the sports page.
And of course, we will all have to drink tea. I mean, I won’t. Because tea is gross. But I’ll say things like, “It’s tea and biscuit time” and then I’ll obviously serve Maxwell House and munchkins.
Even if my baby is a royal infant, I won’t make you call me the Duchess of New York or anything because I’m not showy like that. Plus, I don’t live in a palace unless you count the times I’m forced to climb into the Disney Princess Super Play House Tent.
A simple “My Fair Lady Kelcey” will totally be sufficient.