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I recently dropped Summer off at this class for 2 and 3 year-olds. I am about to leave for some one-on-one time with the NY Post when a little girl (whom I know) tells the teacher she has to pee. I hear this and offer to take her to the bathroom so the teacher can continue the class.

Once we are in the bathroom, I am really patting myself on the back for being such a caring adult who would help a child in need, when the little girl suddenly pees on her underwear. Oh damn it.

As you may know, this can happen when a child, who is potty training, isn’t quite situated properly on the toilet. So now, instead of looking like the mom hero, I look like some idiot who can’t take a toddler to the bathroom.  So I clean her up and we return to class. I email her mom with an update and then I’m off to read the gossip on Page Six.

Except now a little boy has to go the bathroom. What is up with these kids? Obviously, way too hydrated. Now I don’t know this boy Alex but I offer to take him to the bathroom too. I’m telling you that my altruism knows no bounds. I need a do-over anyway in the surrogate motherhood department.

So we bound off to the Ladies’ room and that’s when I realize that I have no idea how a little boy pees. Should I text a friend? Wing it? Ask him?

“Do you pee sitting down?” I ask this 3 year-old.

He nods his head yes. Excellent. I thought so.

So I put him on the toilet and I may not have a masters degree in aerodynamics but I’m telling you it immediately becomes clear there is no way this kid’s pee is going to actually go in the bowl. I’m perplexed. How the heck does this work exactly?!

“Maybe you pee standing up. Do you pee standing up?” I ask.

Again, he nods his head yes.

So I stand him in front of the toilet, assess the situation and this too just does not look right.

Now I’m sort of panicked.  I don’t want him to have an accident. I don’t want to be covered in pee. I don’t want him to be covered in pee. I’m desperate.

“How exactly do you pee?” I ask, realizing this might be the dumbest question anyone has ever asked a 3 year-old.

“I want to wash my hands,” he responds (this kid is obviously sensing he is not with a professional).

“Perfect. Let’s do that and your nanny can help you go to the bathroom after class.” He is wearing a pull-up after all so an accident won’t be catastrophic.

So we wash hands and I march him back to class and get him into his seat. And then I dash out of the room before any more kids can request my assistance. And by now, I have to go to the bathroom myself. Which is something I actually know how to do.

P.S. Of course, as soon as I get home, I email a couple friends who have boys and I get the detailed logistics about how this whole little boy peeing thing works, including the fun of how brothers can cross streams, pee on walls and hit targets. Apparently, I’ve really be missing out over here in girl world.

mama bird notes:

This year Blogher ‘10 is in a little neighborhood called New York City. Aunt Becky, Marinka, Wendi, and I (of The Mouthy Housewives and Mommy Wants Vodka) have put in for a Room of our Own on how to create a successful advice site.

It’s going to be funny, entertaining, and we are sure to embarrass ourselves but we need your help to make it happen. Just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you! And see you in NYC!

33 Responses to my morning in the ladies’ room

  • Mo says:

    Ah yes, the old cross-stream. Great fun indeed.

    So as it turns out your altruism does know bounds, or did I misunderstand something? Anyway, I need to go to the bathroom.


  • Jodi says:

    lol. The mother thinks it’s hysterical and the mother has 2 boys, so this being her 1st go at potty training a girl has also made some major mistakes and is confused by the entire process. much easier to train a boy!!

  • Anastasia says:

    Good morning laugh! Having two boys I didn’t realize that if you don’t have them you might not realize the what the possible pee scenarios of little boys can be.

  • SoMi's Nilsa says:

    My husband has a brother and I’m quite certain they got into a lot of bathroom mischief as children. That’s why, should we choose to have children, we’ll wrap things up after one. =)

  • Jennifer H says:

    Oh, if only they would just pee sitting down. For their whole lives.

    Next time you drop-off, I’m guessing you and your NY Post will be outta there in flash. 🙂

  • Laura says:

    Huh.. I have no idea how little boys pee. I assume that the ones who are school age are fine standing up, but what about the 2 and 3 year olds? are they even tall enough to pee over the edge of the toilet bowl?

    someone please explain! 🙂

  • Amanda says:

    I think it’s standing up. However, I am not a mama yet and this is based on observing my cousin Chrissy hollering at her 3 year old son to “point his penis into the toilet” when he trotted off to the bathroom.

  • This post brought back funny memories. Even though I have four boys now, my first experience with helping a boy pee was my first babysitting gig at 12 years of age… Sat the little guy on the potty, dint think twice about it and there goes the pee all over the bathroom! At the time I was mortified, but now it beings back laughs. Thanks for the regurgitated memory! Have a great day!

  • Robyn says:

    The conversations about getting the pee in the toilet that I’ve had to have with my little boy are priceless. But, I can’t imagine having them with someone else’s little boy!

  • Aimee says:

    Totally want to attend that session at BlogHer –just got my ticket tonight and can not wait to be there in my favorite city of all times! wait –hold up—won’t you be like a gazillion months pregnant with twins by then?

  • MommyTime says:

    Hysterical. I finally figured out the other day why my daughter seems to find it necessary to put her hand perilously close to the stream while sitting on the potty: she has watched her brother many times sitting on the potty and carefully pointing down his pen!s, and so she mimics him. Only, yes, there is the little matter of her lacking a pen!s to point. But that doesn’t stop her. No sireebob.

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    I’m waiting for humans to evolve into having a pee hole (for females) in a more convenient place; so we don’t have to find a bathroom to empty our bladders all the time. Men just whip it out and pee on a tree…if necessary. I spend my waking hours planning ‘pee stops’ for my daily excursions.

  • Alecia says:

    Ha ha, this totally could have happened to me too. I have no ideas how little boys pee. I guess I should probably look that one up, although who knows what Google will come back with on that search. 🙂

  • This made me laugh.

    When my twins were born, I already had my newborn boy experience at hand from baby number 1 – but I was perplexed as to why Eleanor managed to pee everywhere whenever I tried to change her diaper. I mean – the very first thing I did was place a new diaper over her front to catch any renegade newborn pee pee while I adjusted everything else. Took me a good three days to catch on to the different mechanics of baby girl pee pee direction.

    When your little boy is born – remember to immediately put the new diaper on top – then you can adjust the rest. Of course this is probably a more intuitive diapering practice…you know after the first time you get baby pee on your face.

  • traci says:

    You poor thing, helping a boy pee is beyond your scope of practice if you haven’t potty trained one. Not to mention, slightly uncomfortable for you if he were to tell you ‘My mom helps me hold *it* down’. Not that I would know anything about that.

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kelcey kintner