my moment as the big apple circus guest ringmaster

I wake up on Saturday and immediately decide to pull out my Big Apple Circus tickets so I won’t forget them.

Except they aren’t in the drawer where I’m 99.5% sure I put them. I search. I re-search. I panic. I search again. I call my husband, who’s at work. He tries to calm me down. I get irritated with him for trying to calm me down.

I finally call my contact at the Big Apple Circus and explain to her that I have somehow lost the tickets. I’m pretty sure it’s at that moment she realizes that she has picked the perfect guest ringmaster.

Thankfully, she does not take away my almighty guest ringmaster powers and very kindly arranges for someone to take us to our seats when we arrive.

As soon as we get there, Summer starts sobbing, “I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE CIRCUS!!!!” which is just downright crazy because they have pink cotton candy which is the pinnacle of ultimate happiness for a toddler.

Despite Summer’s extreme hesitance, a very nice guy named Marty leads us to our seats.

“So how many people does this theater hold?” I ask.

“1, 672 seats.”

And that’s when I start to feel a little queasy because that seems like a hell of a lot of people.

The show starts and it’s just completely awesome and I momentarily forget that I have to speak in front of 1, 672 people.

After the first act, Marty comes and takes me backstage. I put on my official ringmaster jacket and a top hat. I ask the very sweet official ringmaster Kevin if I look dorky and he says no. But he may not be the best person to ask because he’s wearing the same outfit.

And then a few minutes later, the ringmaster announces me….

“FROM THE MAMA BIRD DIARIES…..KELCEY KINTNER”

And they open the curtains. And it’s totally scary. Here’s a shot of me talking (I’m on the right).

Somehow I manage to thank everyone for the opportunity, say hello to my kids (who refused to come out there with me) and give a quick shout out to Rick. Let’s not forget that Miss Jennifer Aniston, who could never manage to mention her husband Brad when accepting an Emmy, is now divorced – so I’m no fool. I know to mention my man.

Later on, when I am back in my seat, Summer asks…

“Why didn’t you do tricks?”

I explain that my cartwheel (as awesome and brilliant as it is), just doesn’t compare to a guy juggling ping pong balls with his mouth or doing death defying acts on the Wheel of Wonder. And by the way, that Wheel of Wonder should be called the Wheel of You Are Insane If You Try This.

The video of my ringmaster moment is below but your life will be far more enriched by going to the Big Apple Circus than by actually watching me.

Thank you to the Big Apple Circus for hosting us! We adored it. I mean, I’m a bit nauseous from leftover cotton candy but other than that, I loved everything.