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“I had a dream last night that you cheated on me,” I said to Rick one morning. “I guess because we’ve been watching Nashville and it’s one of the story lines.”

“Really?! What happened in the dream?” Rick asked.

“Oh I moved out. I left you with the four kids and shacked up with some guy I had a crush on in my twenties. Given the situation, it all worked out pretty well for me. I just saw it has an unexpected opportunity to date other people,” I responded.

“Wait – you left me with the four kids?!”

“Well, you did cheat on me. Which you haven’t even apologized for yet.”

“I’m sorry?”

“It’s okay. Sorry I abandoned you with all the kids.”

Meanwhile in real life, my husband has been severely neglecting his duties to help me address holiday cards. He claims he can’t because of an injury…

Rick's sore finger

That’s him soaking his sore thumb. Apparently, it’s very infected to the point where he needs antibiotics. The infection has a weird name. I think it’s called, “I-Don’t-Feel-Like-Addressing-Christmas-Cards-Because-I’m-Jewish-But-My-Wife-Is-Trying-To-Make-Me-Interfaithitus.” Or something like that.

And in things that have to do with other people’s lives but not mine, I happened to see an ad for a pet tracking device on TV.  The purpose is to prevent lost pets and their tag line is…

“Keep Your Dog Off the Pole.”

dog on the pole

Which is nice because it will hopefully keep dogs from getting lost and also keep them from becoming strippers. Since I’m not a pet owner, I didn’t actually know a lot of dogs became strippers but it’s great to know something is being done to curb this canine problem.

Finally, you all know that I have some elf anger which is not pretty, especially during such a jolly time of year. I realized I had two options… take the chance that I might assault an innocent elf at the mall or get my emotions out by writing about it. So here’s my piece for Lifetime Moms. The elves at the mall must be so relieved.

mama bird notes:

Holly Camp Cards (a small business and MBD advertiser) is giving mama bird readers a 25% discount with the code BIRD25. Happy shopping.

9 Responses to my imaginary life, my real life and a dog’s life

  • I’ve woken up INCREDIBLY PISSED at my tween stepdaughter over a fight we had in my dreams. But – you know – fighting with your twelve year-old female child isn’t so far-fetched in actual life that all I’ve had to do is wait long enough to pull that anger in to fuel an actual disagreement over her attitude or homework or how many buttons is the correct number to button when wearing a lace cami underneath a button-up shirt.

    Dear god, I see a nightmare coming on tonight…

  • Whitney says:

    Mike insists on putting a bandaid on his finger to help me write our holiday and thank you cards… As if I write cards on a normal basis… What is wrong with these guys! Can you imagine if they were put on this earth to have children?? They’d have bandaides all over their bodies! ;0)

  • Ashley says:

    The other day I had a dream that my husband had a sweet little red-headed girl with another woman. I woke up angry because he didn’t give me a girl or a red head. If she had been asian I really would have been pissed.I’ve always wanted an asian child. Bastard.

  • ErinB says:

    Sorry to hear of Rick’s injury. In exchange for his poor timing he needs to buy you an ink jet printer and labels STAT!
    Ps LOVE Nashville!

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kelcey kintner