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my gps has an attitude problem
I drove out to New Jersey this weekend with the girls for my niece’s 2nd birthday. Dylan and Summer had a crazy fun time and then it was time to drive home.
Except my GPS hates me. The attitude on that gal is atrocious.
Seriously. Like I’ll type in Stop & Shop and she will give me one in Boston. And frankly, not to be a prima donna, but I just don’t have the time to drive 184 miles to buy ice cream.
Or the GPS won’t recognize an address. Like my home address. And lately she gives the most out of the way directions to all of our destinations.
So basically I was on my own to get myself out of Jersey. And that’s how I managed to go South on I95 towards Philadelphia. Not towards my destination of New York. But Philadelphia.
In my defense, 2 1/2 year-old Summer was whining nonstop about how she needed her fruit flat (which had fallen on the floor and I couldn’t reach from the driver’s seat without dislocating my shoulder) and telling me that she wanted to see Santa and the Rockettes. Not someday. Right now.
So this whining went on and on as I drove the wrong direction.
For 50 minutes.
At which point, I become concerned that the George Washington Bridge was MIA and this might be some kind of national security issue. And then I realized my mistake.
So I immediately had a mini meltdown and blamed the GPS and then blamed my husband for not fixing the GPS and then myself for being the idiot who drove the wrong way for 50 minutes. Dylan and Summer seemed to sense that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and suddenly got a lot quieter and more agreeable.
Or maybe it was because Dylan, for some reason, started joking about weeds being stuck in Santa’s butt. And I was so relieved that Summer’s whining had stopped that I couldn’t even defend poor St. Nick and his arse.
I turned the car around and finally started going the correct direction.
A couple hours later, we finally got home.
Turns out, our GPS may not be completely broken after all. Apparently, we had inadvertently set the GPS lady to only give us routes that include ferry crossings. So that explains quite a bit. Except for the fact that she wants me to do my grocery shopping in Boston. Bossy chick.
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some GPSs really should be banned.. I sometimes imagine a Seinfeld episode where hands come out of the GPS system . Jerry and the GPS voice start strangling eachother. weird.
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we had a british gps that kept telling us to “keep left”. did you know that means “stay straight”? No?
neither did I.
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Why in the name of all things festive, jolly and downright Christmassy would Santa have weeds up his butt?
Weeds?!
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i don’t like the sound of your gps – she has a weird thing for ferries
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We don’t have these problems in NYC.
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Just yesterday while stuck in traffic on I95 in Miami – we, a group of four women, were having a hoot about just those types of mishaps. Mine – also the Jersey Turnpike – south – i am sure it is the Turnpikes fault – poor signage….and as for gps – love the accent hate the directions…
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It happens to the best of us – I once drove two hours in the wrong direction because I had read my map upside down.
Did you at least get a chuckle out of the Santa buttweed comment?
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Dylan saves the day! I love it when that happens. She even has me laughing, which is a lovely way to start the day.
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Oh my….. I am glad you made it home safely. Leave it to the girls to get you laughing. I know mine always help in a pinch.
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If we get lost for 7 hours in Texas, at least we’re still in Texas.
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If I went the wrong direction, I’d end up in the ocean…again, I don’t see that as a BAD thing!
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I’m convinced that our GPS was made by the same recluse nazi in South America that is designing my dress shoes. They lure you with the style and promise of the good life, and then ZAP you with yet another torture!
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We don’t have GPS in the swamp. I don’t even think were on those old fashioned things they all maps.
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You remind me of my aunt … who, once she starts talking to someone in the car, loses all sense of direction. She generally keeps driving straight, even though her exit was miles ago. And it usually takes entering another state before realizing her mistake. Thankfully, she lives in New England, where the states are small.
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Our GPS is a pile of crap too – her British accent is so condescending! She’s always RECALCULATING! ugh!
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I would have thought Santa was against weed, but I’m sure he tries to accommodate everyone’s Christmas list.
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recalculating, recalculating, recalculating…. I switch the voice over to the australian dude when I use the gps…makes it much more tolerable. kinda like I am listening to a vacation tour guide or something… ya know, cuz CT and the Outback are very similar.
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dude, the GPS and NJ aren’t friends, even if you aren’t looking for ferry crossings. An NJ trick: put in shortest route, rather than fastest and you won’t be lead over the river and through the woods. I always knew there was something up with Santa’s rump. xo
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Oh, so funny! Whenever I miss the turn that the gps gives me, she sounds so annoyed with me. I really think that the next words out of her electronic mouth are going to be “Can’t you just follow my directions, you moron?”
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Aw, that reminds me when my step-son was driving back to college from Long Island to upstate NY and wound up breaking down on the NJ Turnpike…by Philly.
Good times.
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Too funny! When I roadtripped with a girlfriend this summer to lovely Omaha, she brought along her GPS. Well she’s got an Aussie man as her GPS voice. He kept on saying merge onto the “motorway” and with his accent I thought he said, murderway! Hello?!?
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omg.. that’s the worst! stupid gps lady.. even though it wasn’t broken i would have chucked it out the window. lol
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50 minutes on I-95 in Jersey? So you went what? five miles?
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That sucks! Suckity. Sucks.
But I’ve done that too, so don’t feel bad. There are other morons out there. I did it in Belgium, and with my sister-in-law in the car. Okay, so it was different. But we did go an hour in the direction of Brussels rather than Antwerp.
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You missed the ‘lost’ test for Mensans. Question was: ‘How long do you have to be lost before you stop and ask for directions?’. The woman said – ’15 minutes’; all the men said ‘We never get lost’.
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Jersey?
What exit????
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I had some problems with my iphone gps this weekend in cleveland (we were there for a wedding). Of course I was by myself driving the kids from the church to the hotel (and babysitter) while everyone else was living it up at the cocktail reception. But I wasn’t bitter about that when I was driving through a dark industrial neighborhood with creepy looking men walking alone down the almost deserted streets. Oh no = not a bit. I did find my way back to the downtown area of course – but really had to rethink my premature observation about how easy it was to get around in strange cities now that we have gps…
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ugh. that’s happened to us more than a few times. my GPS has a name. It’s Lola!
Shoot me an email re the babysitter!
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This is seriously the funniest thing I’ve ever heard about a GPS. There is a setting for ONLY routes with ferry crossings?!?! I’m cracking up on the couch right now. I mean, I’m sorry for your pain, of course, but I still can’t stop giggling.
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lol..i won’t buy a gps. if i get lost it is dan’s fault and since a gps doesn’t care if you get mad or hit it, it’s more fun to hit and blame him!
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Ugh! My sister has a GPS in her vehicle. Bossy Guy we call him. Always telling us where to go and how to do it
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Sadly, I HAVE DONE THIS. Many times. Many, many times….
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I hope my GPS has that setting. Oh, the adventures we could go on, following ferry crossing-only routes in landlocked Colorado.
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That is hysterical. You would do a lot better with that GPS setting in Seattle.
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Did you see the episode of The Office where the GPS says to turn right and Michael turns off the road and ends up in a lake? And the GPS says “make a u turn, if possible”
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Perhaps there is a nice shoe store next to the stop n shop in boston and your gal is just trying to help you out? hmm maybe it is time for me to buy a gps …
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oh fear gawd…. i am crying. So funny. For 50 minutes you drove? Sounds like something I would have done as well. To to too funny.
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HILARIOUS! Great post! and glad you made it home safe and sound.
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I STILL can’t use my GPS. I’m such a dork I either use a REAL map [paper] or MapQuest my route from my phone. What’s with the weeds in Santa’s rear?
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it’s so great when the poop and butt jokes work in your favor.
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The worst thing about our GPS is the woman who tells us where and when to turn is a real bitch. She really gets on our nerves, particularly when we take a wrong turn. And, to make it worse, when we get pissed at her and yell, she manages to remain perfectly calm. She really drives us nuts!!
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Aww, yes the GPS. Wonderful but limited. I had one of those drives home when I had a mini meltdown (from the whining and crying and husband being out of town) and it got really quiet, and the littlest one stopped whining/crying in seconds and I was amazed…It was a wonderful drive home even if you are not supposed to do that.
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I have yet to meet anyone who hasn’t gotten LOST with one of those. Funny thing is they are stolen out of cars all the time. Why may I ask?
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I hope that your gps shapes up after the setting change. Do you remember the time we got lost on the way to Rendon? We did not even have a gps (or alcohol) to blame for that one. . . . Great post!
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