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Rick and I have decided that in all likelihood we will become Olympic pair skaters. He wants us to skate together so that some other man wearing a flashy, sparkly jumpsuit doesn’t have his hand supporting my lady parts during the lifts.

I, on the other hand, think we should have different partners because can you imagine skating with your spouse? And then he falls? When you’re in medal contention? How do you work that out in couple’s therapy?

I guess you’d meet your girlfriends for a coffee and complain, “Not only does my husband consistently forget to empty the dishwasher but did you see how he fell during his double toe loop and killed our chances of even a bronze?! 10th place in Vancouver? Who needs that crap? I really could kill him sometimes.”

If for some unexplainable reason we don’t become Olympic pair skaters, then we are going to, at the very least, try to work more snowboarding lingo into our daily conversation.

For example, when we go out, I would normally say, “Are you going to order a martini?”

Now I’ll say, “Your usual double Mctwist 1260?”

Or when we’re driving, instead of saying, “Look. There’s a parking spot. But it’s small. Do you think you can parallel park it?”

Now I’ll just say, “Honey, that parking spot is tight. Do you think you can frontside double-cork 1080 it?”

I can only imagine how much cooler everyone is going to think we are with our new fancy Shaun White inspired vocab. By the way, I showed Dylan and Summer Shaun White’s snowboarding performance at the games and Dylan said, “SHE’S really talented.”  Since he won gold, I doubt he cares.

Meanwhile, I’m currently on a radio strike because I turned on NPR for two minutes the other day and they announced who had won the gold in the women’s downhill skiing (before I had a chance to watch it that night).

Dear NPR,

I’m very nice to you. I give you money. I listen to your long arse stories about water rights issues in Washington state. I put up with your callers that are so long winded that it take three days to finally formulate their question or comment. The very least you can do for me in return is to give a spoiler alert before you announce Olympic results because I (like many fans) are watching the competitions at night.  Just give me a couple seconds to lunge towards the radio and change it to my favorite soft rock.

Because I no longer trust you during the Olympics, I won’t be listening for the next few weeks. Tell Leonard Lopate that it’s nothing personal. Still a fan, Kelcey in New York.

mama bird notes:

Seems like weight loss is a big issue these days with everyone running from the thin mints. Contributing mama Erin Butler is determined to do something about it and she found a super cheap personal trainer. Click on contributing mamas to read more.

19 Responses to look for us at the sochi winter games

  • Julie says:

    Your third para about the dishwasher and the screwing up the chance at a medal made me Lol. No kidding. Mostly because IT IS SO TRUE! You KNOW that is JUST how the conversation would go.

    I laffed at the lady parts comment, too. My hubby would have said the exact same thing. He already feels slightly embarrassed when he sees some of those hand positions–he’d probably have a coronary if it were me or his daughter out there! 😀

  • Braja says:

    I’m baaaaack!!!! I know!!!

    Wait…you DID notice I’d been gone a while, didn’t you?? Jeeeeeez…

    I wanna see you in electric blue shiny lycra. Skating or not. Is that like blog porn? Cos, y’know….

  • MN Mama says:

    Because Lindsay Vonn got her start here in MN, I heard the result of the down hill too. i was completely annoyed. I avoid internet and radio after noon. Enjoy the Olympics! Thanks for keeping us smiling!

  • Crystal says:

    HA!!! I spit my coffee out at Wendi’s comment…is THAT how babies get here?!?!?!?! I think you and Rick would probably make a better curling team…that way you can be pregnant at the same time and he doesn’t have to worry about lady part hand placement. ;c)~

  • I think the manhandling of lady parts during skating is what leads to marriage, not the other way around. But hey, I say go for it.
    I would be so mad at NPR too! My daughter laughs at me because I hold things up in front of me during the news with Brian Williams. But at least they warn you and don’t say it out loud!

  • misty says:

    My husband, obviously not banking on our future olympian career (which is probably best since we’d only qualify for the ametuer Wii division) has decided to sacrifice television for Lent- leading his wife (me) and daughter that NOT watch to Olympics. Such sadness. But i just thought i’d tell you that, should you and Rick take this on- i totally will watch. Screw Lent and other “sacrifices” he makes us have…

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    When ‘SCREWING’ becomes an Olympic Sport…you and Rick can be TEAM FOLBAUM. Keep practicing…I see GOLD in your future. Start shopping for your outfits at Victoria’s Secret…and make the USA proud of you both.

  • Abby Siegel says:

    Ok, I’m in Canada and a former skier racer so I have a lot to say but I’m using the bartender’s computer so this will be short. Kelc-can’t wait to watch the ladies’ long program on Thursday. Curling SUCKS-it’s like fancy housekeeping where you can get an Olympic medal. And Daphne, today i chastised the kid at the ski shop to pull up his pants! This is because he was like 20 and I could see his boxers adn I’m too old for that now. Not to see men’s boxers but it was too much. Gangsta at the ski resort!

  • Ann says:

    Okay, but even funnier is I am picturing you 18 mos pregnant (twins) while Rick hold you up by your lady parts.

    p.s. My sister told me that when skiers fall and their equipment goes flying it’s called a “yard sale” I love that.

kelcey kintner