The Oscars are quickly approaching and we all know it can be downright humiliating to show up at your neighborhood Oscar party and be forced to pretend you are all King’s Speech Foo Fighter savvy when sadly you are not.
So dear readers, I’ve done the work for you. Here are the movies I’ve seen this year and their Oscar worthiness. Consider this your Cliff’s Notes for the Academy Awards….
Sex and the City 2: Definitely not going to win. Look ladies, it’s fun to go on vacation. Not watch other people go on vacation. This movie is seriously missing a plot line for a good 45 minute chunk. Charlotte trying to get a cell signal while falling off a camel in Louis Vuitton is not an action sequence. This movie would be a lot better if it had more plot twists, better writing, more humor, additional sex scenes and if I hadn’t seen it.
No Strings Attached: With all the buzz over “Black Swan” and some chick stabbing herself in the cheek, Natalie Portman’s stirring, griping emotional role in this mediocre comedy is being severely overlooked. Actually, who the hell noticed Portman was even in it? I was there to see Ashton Kutcher. But someone secretly replaced hot Ashton with dorky, badly dressed Ashton. We know he’s no acting genius, so let’s not make him less attractive. The only redeeming part of the movie is Lake Bell’s very funny performance as Kutcher’s co-worker. Pick Lake Bell for Best Supporting Actress. Wait, she’s not nominated. What!?
A Lot Like Love: Another Ashton Kutcher film. It’s like I’m stalking the guy. I’ve only seen about 20 minutes of the movie. How am I supposed to watch a whole movie on a two hour airplane ride with four children?! But even in that brief time, I could tell Ashton had a whole lot more chemistry with Amanda Peet, than that swan tutu girl. But this isn’t going to win an Oscar either. I guess mostly because it came out in 2005.
Zack and Miri Make a Porno: Rick and I had the chance to see this movie a few months ago. The plot slowly, masterfully unfolds and the viewer finally discovers that this movie is about Zack and Miri making a porno. Throughout the movie, you’ll find yourself asking two questions… How poor would I have to be to make a porno? And, would beauty Elizabeth Banks REALLY fall for schlubby Seth Rogan? In the end, I think not. So no Oscar for Zack and Miri.
An Education: A movie about a teenage girl in the 1960’s and her love affair with a much older man. I loved this movie. Just adored it. Oh crap, Rick is notifying me that it has already been nominated for Best Picture and was beat out by “The Hurt Locker?!” Ridiculous. What is a hurt locker anyway? According to urban dictionary, it means “inescapable emotional or physical pain.” A love affair in the 1960s sounds so much more awesome.
Justin Bieber Never Say Never: Could definitely win. The Academy wants to make up for the fact that he was somehow overlooked for Best New Artist at the Grammys.
Black Swan: This movie has more of a chance since it’s actually nominated this year. Emotionally disturbed Natalie Portman + back stabbing ballerinas + pregnant in real life = Best Actress!
The Social Network: I didn’t actually see this but I know it’s about the creation of Facebook. I like social networking. I like Facebook. I really like Justin Timberlake. Definitely might win.
The King’s Speech: I didn’t quite make it to this movie either. But the Academy really likes a fancy title and multi-layered period costumes. So this is absolutely a strong contender.
And then there are a whole bunch of other movies nominated. Don’t worry about those. Just shout out things like… “I loved the art direction in that one.” Or… “I was unimpressed with the adaption of the screenplay.” Or… “Does anyone remember Marky-Mark and the Funky Bunch?” Or… “If I had one arm, I’d definitely snack less.” You’ll be fine.
Now get out there and enter those Oscar pools! Good luck!
mama bird notes: