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I couldn’t wait to sit down and watch the Red Carpet on Oscar night. I just love the dresses and the awkward small talk and the child size celebrities fawning all over each other.

But it was sort of hard to hear the fashion commentary (did Helen Hunt just say she’s wearing H&M?)  with 2-year-old Chase and 6-year-old Summer fighting over a spatula.

Because kitchen utensils are so awesome.

We put the spatula loving kids to bed and settled down for the Academy Awards.

And the host walks out and I’m like,

“Who the hell is that?”

And Rick says, “Seth MacFarlane.”

“That’s not Seth MacFarlane. That looks like some game show host.”

And Rick responds, “That’s definitely Seth MacFarlane.”

“I have no idea who that is. Oh wait. I’m confused. I thought Seth Rogen was hosting.”

And then if the Oscars weren’t already ruined, Rick starts guessing the winners and as usual, he’s right every time. As I’ve mentioned before, his Oscar picking skill is right up there with his talent of spotting a toupee from 2.3 miles away. Except Rick didn’t enter an Oscar pool because he’s “not a gambler.”  Why is he afraid of mountains of money?!

Then Seth MacFarlane made some kind of eating disorder flu joke and I’m like my boy Seth Rogen would never do that.

Not long after, Catherine Zeta-Jones lip synched a musical number from the movie Chicago.  Why the Chicago tribute? I do not know. Something about a 10th anniversary. But I heard Beyoncé  and Milli Vanilli were pissed that someone was stealing their niche.

As the show puttered on, I knew I was losing interest because I kept saying to my husband, “What award is this?

I did momentarily perk up when Kristen Stewart turned up on stage without brushing her hair.

But then I got depressed again during the in memoriam section because I really hate that Nora Ephron is no longer around.

But on the upside, I can’t wait to incorporate the Jaws music into my daily life. Inspired by the academy awards, I now plan to play it every time I want my kids to stop talking.

And super talented Jennifer Lawrence fell while climbing up the stairs to accept her Best Actress award. But thankfully, her dress was the size of a gorgeous circus tent, and it seemed more like she was just bowing down to the Oscar gods.


She rebounded nicely.

Oh and Argo won for best picture. Maybe someday I’ll see it.  I heard it’s way better than Chicago with a lot less singing.

mama bird notes:

So what else have I been doing besides watching The Oscars? Writing about extreme teen behavior on Lifetime Moms and everything you need to know about pregnancy glucose tests on Alpha Mom. That’s what.

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kelcey kintner