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I was at the gym recently (no, seriously, I really was there), on the Arc Trainer. The Arc is an elliptical machine with a dash of a stairmaster and a sprinkle of treadmill or something like that. Whatever it is – it’s my way to get my heart rate up (because I’m told ranting and yelling about all the heaps of laundry and mail and dishes piling up in the apartment is not actually considered a cardio workout).

As I gasped my way through 20 minutes or so of Arc training before yoga class, I watched “In the Loop with iVillage.” I’m not even sure what the iVillage is but it sure feels good to be in the loop. Bill Rancic of “Apprentice” fame is one of the hosts. Remember that guy?!

On this day, they were interviewing a sex educator/therapist who claimed to have all kinds of ways for committed couples to keep the sexual flame burning year after year. Except no one would let the woman talk.

One host would ask her a question like, “How do you keep intimacy alive when you have young children?”

She answered, “First, have a lock on your bedroom door –“.

Then one of the hosts (not Bill, who just looked completely embarrassed by the discussion) would jump in with another question. I’m thinking, hold on there cowgirl, let the lady speak. Oh I’m sure it’s all the same stuff… create a romantic bedroom, discuss your fantasies, don’t be afraid to communicate, make time for date nights… heard any of this before?

But, heck, maybe she’s got a new tip. And who couldn’t use a new tip now and then to keep things spicy and unpredictable?

But now we’ll never hear it. And let’s be real, no matter how good looking your husband is, the “locking the door” tip is not going to suddenly turn him into the hot 20 something cabana boy from your vacation. Just sayin’.

This is why I can’t watch these shows. All you ever hear are those chatty hosts talking and talking and talking. As a former TV girl, I would occasionally anchor my channel’s daytime talk show. I’m sure I never let those guests speak either.

It’s just so exciting to ask the questions! And make pithy comments! And throw in my opinion!

Oh, it just makes me cringe.

And I truly hate to do this to you L.C. lovers but I think I’m over MTV’s “The Hills.”

Look, I wanted to like it. I really did. But I was watching the season opener and I just had this incredible desire to turn off the TV. Yes. That. Serious.

It’s so manufactured and contrived, that I either want them to hire some awesome writers or start giving Lauren (L.C.), Brody, Heidi and the rest of the awkward/attractive gang designing challenges and turn it into Project Runway LA.

Am I really suppose to believe that Lauren stains her dress in Paris and then MIRACULOUSLY another gown (that fits absolutely perfectly) is available an hour before the ball? And the long, tedious silences between Heidi and Spencer and her ski bunny parents is sucking my will to really do anything.

Yes, I watched the whole hour.

Ok maybe I’ll give it one more episode.

But I’m not afraid to turn it off.

And read.

You heard me.

“Eat Pray Love” is sitting on my bedside table right now.

25 Responses to it takes a village

  • GHD says:

    I can't get into those chatty morning shows either… never have. i can only imagine how annoying it must be to be a guest… oy!

  • nap warden says:

    OK, first off..if we are being honest…I was hoping to set a mood and get some tonight. Of course, Husband comes home late and drunk, so drunk I just sent him to bed! I mean silly drunk is one thing, stupid falling down drunk is another. Maybe if I had been drunk with him, he would have looked more attractive to me.

    Can't do The Hills anymore, and I was an addict!

  • Lulu says:

    I'm with you, sister. I was yelling at the TV during that episode. What used to be charming is … no longer. The OBVIOUS voice overs, "what about brody?" Whitney asked. Yeah right. And … with Heidi and Spencer all over the tabloids, it's not like a mystery whether or not they work it out and start getting along. Ugh.

    My question is – what did they do about the first dress?

  • Tully's Mama says:

    Ladies, please. The Hills are so not alive with the sound of anything this round. Get your husbands in bed and let them get next to your Hills for once. It will improve your marriage, you'll get a bit o' cardio and make you appreciate him even more because anyone is better than Spencer Pratt. Kelc, get back on the air and teach the world a thing or two. Oh and this security code thing is hilarious. Love the festive confetti sprinkled throughout the square. Party chick.

  • Kimberly says:

    ok, kelc.. i think i have to agree.. i am OUT on the hills.. not out in the sense that i won't watch it anymore;) but i agree.. ridiculous… so scripted.. AND, i truly think if heidi has one more injection, her face may be frozen permanently… what was with those lips?!?!? isn't she like 21 years old???? she looked like she belonged on "the real housewives of the oc".. now, that is a show worth watching!

  • Queen Goob says:

    I don’t go to the gym any more as I live in a “college town” and I’ve found that the bouncers employed by our locale establishments tend to look down upon middle-aged women beating the crap out of the skinny b!tches that have poured themselves into body-hugging “workout” clothing and are not breaking a sweat.

    And that machine you were on while watching TV? I’ve lovingly dubbed them epileptic machines as I tend to fall to the ground in what appears to be a grand maul seizure when I’ve finished my three minute workout.

  • Kristen says:

    Great! If you are over this show which I have never even heard of except for you blog then maybe I can be as cool as you!

  • wa says:

    I have never watched "The Hills", but feel like I really know Heidi & Spencer since they seem to come up with a reason to be on US Weekly's cover every week. I think the only angle left for them at this point is alien abduction.

  • Milena says:

    I can't remember when you posted a picture of the hubby but I have to say that he DID look like a 20 something cabana boy. On another note, as I hardly watch television (even when I worked as a TV producer for 9 years), I cannot comment intelligently on any of the shows you mentioned, most especially on the Hills. That doesn't stop me from knowing about all the characters you talk about because, I do so LOVE all the gossip magazines but, I digress… glad to see you are finding the time and place to read. I told you. All you had to do is grow a pair of extra arms and multitask.

  • sam says:

    read the book k. sister!! it's the one book i've read since my life was taken over by a very short, opinionated but super cute man. it was worth the lack of sleep, an inspriring book, it made me happy…don't those dumb shows leave you totally empty? this book will fill you up with yum! (not that you lack yum, my love, you're one of the yummiest mummies out there! inside and out!) the whole tv thing is lost on me though…maybe i should track down one cabana boy, no?

  • Allison T. says:

    Oh, say it ain't so. I was actually going to email you when you posted DURING Real Housewives of NYC, but couldn't think of anything witty enough. I, too, was let down by L.C. and the whole dress thing a) made me nervous b) reminded me that LC really isn't the brightest bulb and c) ended up being 100% unbelievable. You don't think that Teen Vogue is going to find out about this?? Um, I read The Devil Wears Prada. I know how it works.

  • motherbumper says:

    “Eat Pray Love” is on my bedside table too! I use it to angle the remote so I can use my elbow to change the channel and not have to shift the Doritos or put down my beer.

  • Rhea says:

    I have to admit, I've never watched The Hills. Am I the only one? I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love right now also. I'm still in the Italy part of the book. It's good. I'm long overdue for a trip to the gym. It's been one of those months…

  • Mom101 says:

    I can't watch that show because I can't even focus on what they're saying since Bill looks so chiseled and botoxed and scalpeled since the Apprentice. Way to go from good looking smart guy to television tool.

  • im with you kelcey. the scenes with heidi in colorado with her parents & spencer=excruciating. also lauren and brody? enough already. i might have to start going to bed at a reasonable time on monday nights again.

kelcey kintner