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The other morning I dropped both kids at camp. My mom was home with the twins and I thought about just driving to Laguardia Airport and getting on a plane to Paris.

I could imagine reclining the seat and just sleeping for the seven hour flight. Once arriving, I would check into a hotel and rest some more. Then I would spend my afternoon wandering around Paris, eating chocolate croissants and drinking espresso.

Now there are several reasons why this scenario might not pan out for me, most obviously because I think you have to go to JFK to get a flight to Paris.

And of course, my four children.

Worried that perhaps this daydream signaled I was about to pull a Marie Osmond, I called my husband.

“I was just fantasizing about driving my car to the airport and escaping to Paris.”

“Were you alone on the plane? Or was I with you?”

“I was alone. How could you be with me? You’re at work.”

“Well, if you do this, I’d like to come with you.”

I didn’t expect this to be so hard. I mean I knew it would be hard to have newborn twins. Just not this hard.

Twins are much more challenging than one baby. Logistically, it’s difficult to take them anywhere. And wherever we are, they always want to be held at the same time. So I end up like this….

A lot.

There is so much guilt. I don’t spend enough time with the twins. I don’t spend enough time with Dylan and Summer.Β  The time I do spend is me running around like a crazy person. And I’m starting to think I have the parenting skills of Betty Draper.

I try to describe my life to others as one big never ending groundhog day but I’m so tired, I just always end up saying, “It’s like one long Greyhound day.” Those poor people walk away thinking, “What is a Greyhound day exactly?”

I want to be enjoying this more. I want to lie here and gaze into my babies’ eyes and I swear I will once I get Dylan’s lunch packed, the dishwasher unloaded, give Chase his reflux medicine which still isn’t working and on and on. And I want to enjoy a laid back afternoon with Dylan and Summer and I absolutely will as soon as I nurse the babies, change the babies, hold the babies, repeat, repeat, repeat.

There’s never enough time. There’s never enough of me. Yes, I have help. But there is still only one of me.

And at some point, we will turn a corner. And this phase will be over.

And I will look back and I’m sure I’ll miss it.

59 Responses to i’m dreaming of paris

  • Jen says:

    no, I doubt you will miss it. You probably won’t even remember it. Which will probably be for the best πŸ™‚ Hang in there.

  • cathy says:

    so….maybe i’ve been lurking your site for over a year but just wanted to finally let you know just how fabulous you are. seriously, you are hee-lar-i-ous and i wish i could be .000001% as funny and poignant. you are doing a great job even if you feel like you aren’t. and i won’t tell you that this stage is going to pass really fast. the first 4 months went by soooooo slow! BUT after that, as you know, time whizzes by way too fast. and then you can go to paris.

    p.s. sorry for lurking, but i live in seattle and that is just so far from nyc, even by information superhighway standards.

  • Jennifer says:

    It’s hard to resist the lure of a solo flight and croissants. BTW, I totally pictured you in the outfit SJP wore when she got to Paris, with the big skirt and hat.

    You know what, though? I bet your kids grow up loving that they come from a big, busy family, and there will be enough time for everyone, just maybe not all at once. But it will be more than enough and they will feel very loved.

  • Nicole says:

    And when you turn that corner, you’ll put two more birdies on your masthead up there πŸ™‚ No, I’m kidding. Sounds like you are doing awesome, really. I wasn’t even functioning enough to realize that I would someday miss it. I had only two, 14 months apart, and looked forward to going to work. When the 2nd was 11 months it was like a light shined down and I started to really enjoy him. Now they are 6&7 and I’m incredibly envious of your two babies πŸ™‚

  • scrappysue says:

    you will miss it, and it will go by in a flash, but in the meantime, you are dog tired. i remember that feeling as if it were yesterday. i had a year between 3 and 4 which isn’t the same as twins, but #3 didn’t walk when #4 was born, so i did a lot of what you’re doing. now my baby is almost off to college (high school) and i swear i was pushing one and carrying one only yesterday. hang in there πŸ™‚ i’ll be back next july to chase after them πŸ™‚

  • Susan says:

    My twins just turned 5 yesterday and I remember those days. It gets better when they hold there own bottle, then no more diapers, and then finally school all day long. When I see other people with twins I wonder how I got through those days.

  • maura says:

    My twins are about to be 4.
    It is a hard road – that gets EASIER than having a singleton (who always wants to play with mommy). Twins play very closely together… but the first few months are bone-crushing tired.

    Here is a funny quote that made me laugh this morning:
    ”Sufficient unto the day is one baby. As long as you are in your right mind don’t you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot. And there ain’t any real difference between triplets and an insurrection.” – Mark Twain, 1879

  • Kathy says:

    Any thing else after this is going to seem so easy! I can’t imagine even with help it still falls all on you. Hang in there you are doing a great job. Someday you will be in Paris and all you will do is miss those kids.

  • Kathy says:

    I can’t imagine how tired you are. I have only one 22 month old girl and she wears me out most days. Hang in there and I do hope you get a relaxing day in the near future. And remember there is no such thing as SUPERMOM. We just have to try to be Mom and our kids will always love us.

  • Bitsy says:

    I know those awful feelings. I didn’t have twins but baby number two was sick for 11 months straight and I never slept for more than an hour at a time. But I looked like hell and you look beautiful and my house was a pit and yours has curtains! CURTAINS hung up and straight and clean. It took me 16 years of home-ownership to get curtains hung! You never fail to impress me! Hang in there; I know you’ll make it!

  • Jordana says:

    Oh, I know that guilt. You are doing a great job, honey. But you don’t need me to tell you that.

    If you ever get a chance to read again I am LOVING “The Bad Mother” by Ayelet Waldoman – she speaks to a lot of these feelings.

  • Diane says:

    You dream of Paris, I dream of carpet with no Orbeez in it. I don’t think the vacuum will be happy with this new addition to the vermin, dog hair, and tiny lego pieces that my son cannot bother to pick up. If it is any consolation – you look beautiful and not sleep deprived. My mantra for the years (and I do mean years) of interrupted nights was ‘Sleep is for %#ssies!’ You are a rock star! Hang in there!

  • Thanks for being so honest about this struggle! Because it IS hard. It’s hard enough to have one newborn. When my second daughter was born I honestly didn’t think I could take any more sleepless nights after 6 months. I was in tears so often and snappy at my husband and oldest daughter. Not a great time in my life. But soon everything will fall into a routine. Hang in there!

    And of course you have Mom guilt on top of it all. Then when they are past this stage, you’ll have more Mom guilt. Ha!

    You have my permission to cut yourself some slack. πŸ™‚ You are doing a great job on very little sleep and being pulled in 4 different directions at once.

    Thinking of you today and wishing you the best!

  • Marinka says:

    I have a feeling that you are enjoying it, too, despite how hard it has been. Unfortunately, none of us have those staged moments where we watch our children unravel a roll of toilet paper and laugh lovingly.

  • I’m with Jen. I doubt you’ll miss it. πŸ™‚ My aunt had triplets, and I was there a lot in those early years. It was insane. Now they are all 3 driving and applying to colleges. She likes to say, “It doesn’t get easier, it gets different.” I think that probably sums it up.

    I have a feeling this isn’t the encouraging comment I was hoping to leave. Any-WHO. πŸ™‚ My point is, you’re not alone in the mommy guilt. And if you ever decide to take that plane to Paris, make sure you stop in Philly first and pick me up.

  • NYNancy says:

    I have been there and lived to tell the tale. It isn’t twice the work of one – it’s exponential. But you really WILL turn the corner, and when they are older they will entertain eachother and you can fly off to Paris without them even noticing you’re gone. Sorta.

  • Diana says:

    The only thing you have in common with Betty Draper is that you are both beautiful.
    The Paris dream is a good one! I go between Paris and a beach in Thailand when I have my dream like that! See you there!

  • I know this is a startling thought. But you won’t miss it. You will be proud you survived it. You will be proud you made it thru. But you won’t miss it. This is your bootcamp.

    Push thru. Carry on. And one day soon it will be easier. And you feel relived.

    And Paris will still be there waiting.

  • Robyn says:

    I just KNOW that you are doing this mommy-of-four thing WAY more fabulously than you realize right now. You’re rocking it – and you deserve that trip to Paris!

  • Your posts always make me laugh, but this one also made me want to give you a big hug. Although I had my twins first, your descriptions take me right back to those days when I had to decide who got held and who had to cry in the swing. I remember the fantasies I had about lazy, sunfilled afternoons with my cooing, sweet babies. Uh, no. More like stressful, scream-filled days with my babies who refused to nap more than 15 minutes at a time.

    I know you’re tired of hearing it, but it will pass, and when you look back, you won’t even realize when things started to get easier. You’ll miss the tiny baby days, but NOT the exhaustion. πŸ™‚ And C and H will grow up being great friends. Oops, gotta go. One of mine is beating her “friend” over the head with a maraca. *hugs*

  • Oh sweetheart. This is me giving you a huge nod of the head and an even bigger hug.

    You ARE doing the best you can. Which I think is great.

    I hate this saying because seriously what else are you going to do but hang in there.

    Mucho Love!!

  • Alex says:

    Hang in there, Kelce. You are knee deep in the worst part of it right now but you shall soon emerge the happy, well-rested mother of four gorgeous children…all of whom love their mom and wouldn’t want any other.

  • Some of what you say is reminiscent of having a mother who worked full-time when I was a kid. She wasn’t ever home at the end of my school day. And sometimes, she and my dad would go out with adults only at night. That said, I always felt loved and cared for … and never once resented the life my parents carved out for me.

    How this relates to you? You are an amazing parent who loves her children. You’re serving as a great role model to them and it won’t go unnoticed as they grow up.

  • Jean says:

    Hold on to every moment! And, I still say you are amazing! Can appreciate the Paris fantasy…and I only had two…and they were five years apart!

    BTW, love your house…


  • Nellie says:

    Ohh, I so remember those days. I only have one daughter but the first three months was the hardest and thought it would NEVER.END! I’m so happy that it did but I still look back on those dreadful days and feel like my daughter and I were short-changed with quality, beautiful, dream-like days and moments together. Then I realize that hormones and lack of sleep played a major part of the misery. Now, I am just thrilled it’s so behind me and I have the joy of dealing with her big 3-year-old, temper-tantrum behavior. I still love her to death though. :O

  • Allison T. says:

    I’m sure I’m sending the wrong message here, but since everyone else already said all the obvious and true stuff about how wonderful you are, can I mention that the room behind you looks incredibly neat and tidy and your new house looks super cute? (Don’t tell me about the disaster in the kitchen or upstairs, just play along.) πŸ™‚

    Seriously, you may be losing it but you’re still so cool, especially because you can admit it. You rock.

  • Rhonda says:

    You ROCK. That’s all there is to it. Bring in the help more so you can get some sleep and you will be amazed at how much more you can handle your beautiful bundles of chaos. And then, go to Paris! Another bit of advice from a mother of five, enjoy each one separately and feel the blessings as they all get to enjoy one another. It’s a beautiful gift to have given them each other. So now you can feel no more guilt as you have given the gift to each of them of siblings! You and Rick are truly blessed.

  • LB says:

    When I was 4mo. pregnant with my 1st, I expected a 2nd trimester burst of energy which never happened. I exhaustedly asked my mom, “When does the being tired end?” Her response:
    “When they go to college.” Nearly 7 yrs and another child later, I’m just starting to realize that once these little buggers arrived, my previous life was was over, and my life as Mom was etched in stone. The perpetual sacrafice of parenthood has made me finally and truly appreciate what my own parents gave to me- themselves.
    Congratulations, Kelsey. You are human, and you are a mom. And doing an even better job than you know.

  • Jami says:

    Reading your post was like reliving my twins newborn months. I remember that sense of being overwhelmed so much. I had lots of help everyday from the grandma’s but you’re right – there is only one of you. These posts are so great about the twins….well all of your posts make me laugh really but the twin posts…really great! Anyway, though it is overwhelming now with the two of them soon they will be easier because there are two of them. They will be playmates and partners in crime. Take it all in stride because it will really be over before you know it and you might miss it, but you’ll survive. Thanks for sharing these honest posts with the world.

  • susan kintner says:

    As I have the privilege of seeing you in action-as a mom, a wife and a person in her own right, I know you are wonderful and that it is all exhausting……..and Paris is a delicious idea whenever you are ready, it is too! xo m

  • Krista says:

    I will join you on your flight to Paris. I have a 3-year-old and a 3-month-old and I CANNOT even imagine the exhaustion you must be feeling. In reference to your Groundhogs Day comment– I just said to my husband that I feel like I just do the same thing over and over and over and over…. and none of it very well. My daughter needs constant attention and my son just wants his mommy to play with him for awhile. Here’s hoping the corner turn happens sooner rather than later for the both of us.

  • MommyTime says:

    I have no sage advice, only hugs. I’m sending them in the hopes that helps. I’m sorry it’s not a ticket to Paris, but it’s perhaps more use-able right now.

  • Oh man, I’m so tired today that I didn’t even get the Greyhound joke. I’m like “Greyhound day, what’s wrong with that?” And as I’ve said before, I only have TWO children. NOT twins PLUS two children. I am feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelin for you…

  • Issa says:

    I don’t even have twins and all I heard was “chocolate croissants and drinking espresso”. I have three kids and I get this though. That want for space. For quiet. For SLEEP. Can’t imagine having my last as two. Or something. The boy still doesn’t sleep. Anyway….I will tell you my vast knowledge of twins, which comes from my stealing the sentiments of my friend Matthew: The first three months bite the big one.

    Helpful? Yes? πŸ˜‰ He does claim though that after that, you find your groove and they get easier.

  • Angie says:

    Thanks for posting this- I needed it today. I’m with Krista, I have a 3 year old and a 3 month old and my butt is getting kicked. I feel bad most of the time, and I can’t get the 3 month old to take a NAP for gosh sakes. Unless it’s on me. Ugh. I love them both so much and I feel like a yucky mom most of the time. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone. And I have a feeling you are doing a terrific job- for what you can do (nursing one is hard, two? I don’t know how you are doing anything else!) And the same probably goes for me too, I just don’t feel like it right now.

  • Aunt Marcia (Guess Whose?) says:

    You have ‘help’? But you don’t have ENOUGH HELP…load the payroll with cooks/shoppers/nannies/cleaning service and all the help you need NOW. Then sit back and play with your kids…and plan a trip to Paris…

  • Heather says:

    Oh my gosh, you must be so tired, I can’t imagine, and it’s tough to have to spread yourself so thin. Perhaps you and your husband should just go to a French restaurant since that might be more obtainable at the moment! And, your house looks really cute, and NEAT by the way! I’m impressed!

  • Aimee says:

    Can I just say for the record you look FABULOUS! You would never know twins with two older sibs was so hard with the way you look girl! I mean the fact you are out of pj’s—victory! Treat yourself-You deserve another Juicy winter coat!

  • ErinB says:

    Only you can pull off utter exhaustion and humor at the same time! I know life feels like one never-ending-sleepless day but as they say…this too shall pass. You have come so far already and we are all in awe of how you manage to handle it all and make us giggle (that pic with the twins is fricken priceless!) you are doing us all proud!! PS I am thinking we can get a great package deal to Paris with all the interested moms on this board! HA xoxo

  • LT says:

    I am not so sure about joining you in Paris (as you probably remember, my first and only time there was quite an adventure for both of us :-)). I will meet you and Daph at Rendon. And, I still think you are supermom.

    I know I have told you this before but I could not form sentences during the first 3 months with my twins. You write not only complete sentences but really well written, smart and funny pieces. You are my hero and a great mom. XOXO

  • CaliKim says:

    Well, it looks like everyone said just about everything. So the only thing I have to say is you totally need one of those pouchy thingies for your back too!! That way you can wear one baby on your back like a back pack, and have the other one in the front!!! That way your hands are totally free to do the million things a day you have to do!

  • sara says:

    Ugh – do I put on my therapist hat, and remind you that you are doing an absolutely INCREDIBLE job under VERY difficult circumstances? and that Dylan and Summer will, in NO way, be scarred by this. You have given them both the very best gift a mom can give her kids – a little brother and sister who they will grow old with, and be supported by, and love forever. OR do I put on my friend hat and just tell you that Greyhound thing was completely hilarious – and made me inappropriately laugh out loud in the middle of starbucks…when I’m supposed to be working. I love you, K! And I love your posts. This, too, shall pass mama – and your whole entire gorgeous family will be better for it. So just take it day by day, ask for help (more help) from your friends, and in a year or so, we’ll be laughing at you (I mean, at this time).

    xoxoxo mama! you’re totally inspiring!

  • Auntie T says:

    First of All:
    One of the BEST MOMS I’ve ever seen.
    Dylan and Summer Feel Loved all the time by you and Rick and the rest of your amazing family and will always remember only that…… And the are having a ball playing with their TWO NEW SIBLINGS.
    And if they are cranky, they are just tired and testing you, too!
    You are just so tired at this time…all the time. it will get better as you get rested and that time will be here before you know it. And then the big girls can go to Paris!

  • Sara says:

    Thanks for this. Our twins are 12 weeks, and your entry made me feel normal and human. My husband and I often talk about the Groundhog Day feeling!

  • Courtney says:

    Twins are very hard! Twins, plus 2 other kids – ridiculous hard! You are doing a fantastic job, you look fabulous and you’re STILL making us all laugh with the blog – that’s nothing short of a miracle. When I was pregnant with my twins, my sister told me “just SURVIVE the first year… then thrive after that – they won’t remember it, and neither will you.” I thought that was the most negative advice I’d ever heard. Well, turns out it was 100% TRUE. So take each day (heck, each hour or minute) as it comes, know that you are doing your best and remind yourself that neither baby will remember if they had to cry for a minute so you could tend to another one of the kids. When I first had the twins, I would have sworn I had scarred them for life when I had to let one cry while I tended to the other (I never did master changing 2 diapers at once) – but yet, they are 2 of the happiest toddlers I know. I have no doubt that the same holds true for your kids, now and in the days to come.

  • A radical thought: what if this part of their babyhood is really freaking hard and maybe you WON”T miss it when it’s over? I mean, babies are delicious and delectable and delightful (and now I’m singing an early 90s disco tune) but…it’s hard hard HARD. I said the same things to myself during those early dark years and I think that telling ourselves “we should be ENJOYING THIS” makes it even that much harder. Who needs the guilt? Kids are so resilient and they feel us loving them every cotton-picking minute (even when they say “I hate you” and slam the door)…And who says people have to have combed hair, clean clothes, or eat on non-paper plates, for god’s sake? A little dirt and mess is good for everyone’s soul. Or so I tell myself. As Anne Lamott would say, “bird by bird” (by which she means, one step at a time). If you’re worried about doing a good job, you probably are.

  • christy says:

    I’m not sure that you’ll miss itk, but I am SURE that you’ll make it through it. Since I only have two, I can’t imagine just how hard it is..but I do know that you’re a fantastic mom and those four kids are lucky to have you. My advice – hire more help if you need it and can – and this too shall pass… big hugs!

  • ~Laura says:

    If it helps you at all, that picture could have been me with my twins. I did the same hold one, baby bjorn the other thing. Twins come with guilt right off the bat. I always envied those mothers who could just stare into the eyes of their one baby. Everything so calm and quiet. That’s not exactly how it goes with two at once. However, I swear it will be ten times easier once they hit two and three and don’t even want you to play with them because they have a built in playmate. You will actually find yourself trying to be the third wheel and butt in a little! Hang in there. You are doing great because you are doing it. And you love them. And they know this. Period. And also, totally take your husband up on that Paris idea in about a year or so!

  • Denise says:

    Let me bring you back to reality, you would not sleep for seven hours on that flight. You’re legs would be cramped and there would probably be some guy snoring and drooling on you when he used your shoulder for a pillow. Or there would be an electrical problem and the flight attendant would be neurotically reaching over you to see if the lights are working every five minutes (that happened on my return from London in Jan!)

    Those babies are just gorgeous! Be kind to yourself, you are doing a fabulous job Kelcey.

  • I don’t pretend to know how to manage infant twins, but sometimes I think we endure rather than thrive. And that’s okay as long as we doesn’t stay that way.
    Oh and I’m really close with my sister so whenever I get into fear and guilt around dividing my time with my children, I remember what a gift siblings can be to one another.

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kelcey kintner