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if you don’t feel like watching president obama’s state of the union address, you can just read this…
President Obama is set to give his State of the Union address tonight and I thought I’d give you a little preview of what he plans to cover.
1. President Obama will talk about the economy, creating jobs, our deficit, health care, blah blah blah.
2. Then Obama will address the very real and serious problem of “Olympic Longing.” This comes every two years as Americans sit back to watch the Olympics and suddenly come face to face with their unfulfilled dreams of becoming an Olympic athlete.
Obama will propose free ice skating, skiing or bobsledding lessons for every American so each of us can realize our true Olympic potential. (This will likely make our deficit balloon quite a bit but clearly, we can not go another year without Congress passing comprehensive legislation to address this epidemic.)
3. Obama will promise the middle class a tax refund every time some celebrity tweets something ridiculous and inappropriate on Twitter. There will be an extra $500 check for every time Kirstie Alley (@kirstiealley) calls Joy Behar “Joy Bewhore.” (This will also jack up our deficit but we must hold celebrities accountable as we lighten the financial burden for the the middle class.)
4. In an effort, to satisfy the female electorate, Obama will announce an executive order mandating that all male senators do a nude centerfold for a major fashion magazine. Newly elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown has already taken the lead….
Senator Brown has graciously offered to give modeling tips to Senator Reid, Senator McCain and Senator Byrd before their photo shoots. (Yes, Senator Byrd is still alive.)
5. Obama, who believes in an open, honest government, will then tackle the issue of Jay Mohr. Because everyone (ok just Wendi and me) wants to know why this B level actor looked like this back in the day…
And now looks a bit more like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float.
Is it just age? Steroids? The opposite of whatever Madonna is doing to her face and body? Obama will name a special commission to find out and report back to the American people. Mohr’s show “Gary Unmarried” will be canceled long before those findings are available.
6. Obama will wrap up his speech with tough words for the CW and “Gossip Girl.” Like all Americans, the President is outraged that there will be no new episodes of “Gossip Girl” until March and has called upon the CW to do more for the country in the future.
Finally, Tiger’s alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel has been given the enormous honor of sitting next to First Lady Michelle Obama during the State of the Union. As the only Woods’ mistress to not blab publicly about her indiscretions with the married golf star, Obama feels she is an inspiration to all Americans.
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What, nothing about the Brangelina? The final season of Lost? This is disappointing.
I am totally down with this Olympic Longing Initiative. I have long wanted to be a luger (wait, is that what you call it? one who luges? a luger? oh, you know what I mean…)
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Fabulous post. Are ww watching the ladies free skate together? I will come to rye so we can be together!
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I like the idea of middle class refunds. If I was president (or let’s just say prime minister) I’d give the middle class a tax refund any time I had to wait longer than 25 seconds for the little green man.
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Oh this was entertaining! Much better than the real speech – loved it!
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Please no centerfolds of US Senators!!! PLEASE! Although, a calendar similar to the one in the movie would be HILARIOUS!!
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I didn’t realize all this was going to be discussed. Perhaps I will tune in after all.
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Holy S__T! Woman you are on a roll today! Great blog!
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I think if a person balloons out, and wants to pose with a pet, he should choose a Great Dane that will make him look smaller and not a mini dog that makes him look more enormous.
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Hysterical! If he actually said all this I might actually watch instead of drink!
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Oh my word that was funny! (I just said “Oh my word”! The nursing home is right around the corner)
Yes Kirstie Alley is a loon but since I seem to like following celebrity loons on Twitter I’m of course following her…
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Nicely done. And here I thought you were finally posting about LOST…the show that preempted the SOTU and finally returns to us next week!
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Isn’t Jay like married and has kids? I mean that’s what happens to all the semi-cute guys in Hollywood, right? They get married, have a couple of kids and then just let themselves go, its a shame… {ok, just do you know, that comment was meant in the most sarcastic way possible}
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Well, thank you. That’s one more thing I can mark off my to-do list today.
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The guy looks huge because he’s holding a peanut of a dog. If he were holding a big dog he’d look better.
Mary
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OMG, I can’t wait to see Senator Shelby in a centerfold!
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LOVE the list, especially number 3! I’m with you and Wendi Jay’s transformation. Do you watch his show? It’s not bad.
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I’m laughing out loud for real that you put up Jay Mohr. Oh, Gary Unmarried. Why you be so damn puffy?
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Could the Jay Mohr special commission also find out what happened to Luke Wilson? He used to be so cute, now he’s all fat and super -chipmunk-faced doing cell phone commercials. What’s up with that?
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well now I can watch my taped Project Runway from last week since I am clearly in the know about the speech tonight :-}
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Thank god you did this recap. We have theater tickets tonight and I’m not sure watching the State of the Union on DVR would be quite the same.
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It’s a good thing Strom Thurman is dead. . .
He is dead, isn’t he????
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I should get all my current events from you.
But then you’d go all bradpitt billygoat on me and make me gag again.
WHAT is with the BEARDCICLES.
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oh Thank God, because I clearly couldn’t sit and listen to a speech after spending EIGHT HOURS with screaming five year olds.
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Damn! I should have watched the update! I had no idea his speech would be so fascinating. Also, I really want to do the bars in the gymnastics for the summer Olympics. Think he’ll stretch the money another 2 years? I’ll only be 35 by then. Totally young enough.
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Brilliant! I loved this post, and I’m glad you spared me from the real thing. I like Obama, but I’d rather be blogging.
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Guess I should have read this earlier then I could be sleeping now knowing all was well in the Union!
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Wow, I listened to his speech, for like 10 minutes against my will, and you are so right on. Especially with all of the blah, blah, blahs
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Yuck – I can’t even think of any Senators I would want to see nude. Spare us.
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