President Obama is set to give his State of the Union address tonight and I thought I’d give you a little preview of what he plans to cover.
1. President Obama will talk about the economy, creating jobs, our deficit, health care, blah blah blah.
2. Then Obama will address the very real and serious problem of “Olympic Longing.” This comes every two years as Americans sit back to watch the Olympics and suddenly come face to face with their unfulfilled dreams of becoming an Olympic athlete.
Obama will propose free ice skating, skiing or bobsledding lessons for every American so each of us can realize our true Olympic potential. (This will likely make our deficit balloon quite a bit but clearly, we can not go another year without Congress passing comprehensive legislation to address this epidemic.)
3. Obama will promise the middle class a tax refund every time some celebrity tweets something ridiculous and inappropriate on Twitter. There will be an extra $500 check for every time Kirstie Alley (@kirstiealley) calls Joy Behar “Joy Bewhore.” (This will also jack up our deficit but we must hold celebrities accountable as we lighten the financial burden for the the middle class.)
4. In an effort, to satisfy the female electorate, Obama will announce an executive order mandating that all male senators do a nude centerfold for a major fashion magazine. Newly elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown has already taken the lead….
Senator Brown has graciously offered to give modeling tips to Senator Reid, Senator McCain and Senator Byrd before their photo shoots. (Yes, Senator Byrd is still alive.)
5. Obama, who believes in an open, honest government, will then tackle the issue of Jay Mohr. Because everyone (ok just Wendi and me) wants to know why this B level actor looked like this back in the day…
And now looks a bit more like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float.
Is it just age? Steroids? The opposite of whatever Madonna is doing to her face and body? Obama will name a special commission to find out and report back to the American people. Mohr’s show “Gary Unmarried” will be canceled long before those findings are available.
6. Obama will wrap up his speech with tough words for the CW and “Gossip Girl.” Like all Americans, the President is outraged that there will be no new episodes of “Gossip Girl” until March and has called upon the CW to do more for the country in the future.
Finally, Tiger’s alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel has been given the enormous honor of sitting next to First Lady Michelle Obama during the State of the Union. As the only Woods’ mistress to not blab publicly about her indiscretions with the married golf star, Obama feels she is an inspiration to all Americans.