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I recently flew to Memphis and I noticed the Delta pilots make a real effort to ease the fears of those of us who might not love flying.

Look, I know it’s the safest way to travel.

But getting into a big tube and traveling 500 miles per hour, at 30,000 feet in the air, is never going to really jive with me.  I have to just hunker down, watch a movie and try not to think about the aerodynamics which is pretty easy because I don’t know what “aerodynamics” actually means.

Still the pilots try to calm our fears with euphemisms and I truly appreciate it.

Here’s what’s in and out in pilot talk.

In: “We may encounter some rough air.” (That doesn’t sound so bad. My heels are a little rough and they hardly bother me at all! Except when the nail lady scrapes them with that callous remover and then tries to charge me extra for the treatment. But overall, rough is not so bad.)

Out: “Hold on. It’s going to be a wild ride!” (I’m writing my will out on this cocktail napkin.)


In: “We are approaching a line of weather.” (A line of weather? I love lines! I could draw all day.)

Out: “We are approaching one hell of a thunderstorm.” (My will is too long for this napkin. I’m continuing it on the pretzel wrapper.)


In: “Due to the weather, we are briefly suspending our beverage service so the flight attendants can sit down.”  (Those flight attendants work hard! I can wait a few more minutes for a glass of wine.)

Out: “Due to turbulence, flight attendants must sit down immediately!” (oh have mercy on my soul, I need that wine RIGHT NOW.)


In: “In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device.” (That sounds lovely. I wasn’t planning on a water landing but who doesn’t love relaxing on a raft?!)

Out: “In the event of a water landing, you’re screwed because I’m no Captain Sully.”


In: “Thank you for flying with us today. We hope you enjoyed your trip. Please fly with us again.” (You know flying is really quite civilized. And so damn fast. What was I so nervous about anyway?)

Out: “Thank you for flying with us today. We hope you enjoyed the $200 charge per ticket for changing your departure time, the $25 per bag fee and the bumpy air!”

23 Responses to i love flying! as long as i can do it on the ground.

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kelcey kintner